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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: PaulyX on November 26, 2019, 10:33:41 PM
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Alright, so festive songs are supposed to be bashed out really quickly, then return to embarrass you years later, right? I mean that's the brief, right?
So here's my entry. Something about a penniless chap aiming to be less of a d*ckhead towards his significant other next year. (Note to self).
Happy Yuletide bruthas & sistas and good luck in the comp...
https://soundcloud.com/commodore-64/circuit-of-the-sun/s-4HhZZ
Circuit of the Sun
I didn't do half the things that I said I would
You didn't get half as mad as we both know you should have
I always thought I had more time until one day I didn't
I was in half a mind to downscale my ambitions
But tonight at midnight it's the turning of the year
I wanted to do something to take us both away from here
My cards are at the limit but I've booked us both a ticket
For one more circuit of the sun
I don't have much to offer but it would be my honour
If you would sit beside me on a circuit of the sun
Last time we went overseas I came close to marching orders
You said "Start a charity, call it idiots without borders"
Once you said I was full of promise, now I'm just full of promises
Next year I'm gonna make it up, or so goes my hypothesis
Tonight at midnight the calendar's reset
I wanted to say something... but what it was now, I forget
My cards are at the limit but I've booked us both a ticket
For one more circuit of the sun
I don't have much to offer but it would be my honour
If you would sit beside me on a circuit of the sun
Na na na
Baaaa.....
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Well, this is pretty cute. My favorite part: "so goes my hypothesis". !! All the animals at the end kinda took me back to my childhood on the farm. Ahhhh.
I got nothing constructive to offer. Or destructive, for that matter. I definitely got a kick out of it.
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Nice rhythmic start which continues throughout..is that a delay on the snare?..sounds really good 8) variation here and there works well and good lyrics mate...
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Lovely foot stomper, love that folky feel in the verses. And then gets more psychadelic in the chorus, which is also right up my street.
"Full of promise / full of promises" was my favourite line among others.
This Festive Send Off is getting to be quite a party!
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I always love to read your lyrics first @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) as they are always interesting. My favourite line here is "Start a charity, call it idiots without borders"
I love that descending riff in the verse and the offbeats in the pre-chorus, then it's a great full on chorus which is as catchy as anything - and Sheep ;D ;D ;D ;D
Another top quality entry in the comp
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I thought it was relatively romantic actually! Sinner making amends the best he can ;D
Some nice lyrical twists as ever, and yes as Pomps says above, always worth reading your lyrics in their own right.
Lovely chorus, dynamically lifted by the well textured arrangement, the beautifully shambolic play-out OK, didn't quite get the animal farm meander at the end, but it made me smile, so what the heck. Yep, cool entry indeed.
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Superb set of lyrics to support a real nice idea. The mix (on headphones) was a bit intrusive with the bass in my left ear dragging me away from all else, but that's production rather than song-writing. I really like this, and would have liked to have heard it much more stripped down because I think the story is everything here. Great song.
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Howdy,
This is great.
Love the intro - just draws you in.
The verse sets you up perfectly for the lift in the chorus.
The Na Na Nas work great.
The Bas made me chuckle - but are so fitting. Sheep are we all.
Not something you van sit still to.
Loved it.
Digger
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Brilliant lyrics.
Great feel to the rhythm and the chorus kicks in with a vengeance.
Quality writing and a great listen.
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You're always good with the lyrics! It's annoying ;)
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Love it Paul :) the lyrics are top notch as always and I especially like the chorus 8) excellent entry!
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Hi Pauly - like others have said - super lyrics and the song draws you in like a minnow trap :)
And rhyming promises with hypothesis - almost goes unnoticed it's so clever ;D
Is that sheep at the end? My wife has three of those - dumb as stumps. Don't know how you trained them to sing.
Enjoyed the listen!
Paul
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Loving the chorus for sure, the rest is pretty good too.
Clever, clever lyrics.
All those sheep?? Was it recorded here in New Zealand?
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@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034),
Great title! I love the chord sequence of the intro and verse sections including the smart lyrics, "Once you said I was full of promise now I'm full of promises."Such a cool vocal melody fits like a dream! I enjouted the purposeful guitar and simple yet cool musical outro that is extremely effective.
A really enjoyable listen.
Paul
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@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034)
Hi, loved the lyrics, great catchy little song. Great drum sounds....Really interesting construction
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Really enjoyed it!
Cheers
Jamie