The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MonnoDB on October 03, 2019, 10:17:10 PM
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Hi All,
Here's another cheery number from me :)! Ok, it's not at all cheery.. a bit of a theme of mine and the one that brought me to writing and then songwriting.. But it is what it is I guess - sometimes they just pop out.
Sounding Board O'@Jambrains is as always to be thanked for input and support in the background :)
As usual I've gotten to that certain point in the mixing when I can't hear what I need to change.. yes, even in 1+1s.. So any and all feedback is appreciated.. Be brutally honest please!
Karen.
https://soundcloud.com/monnodb/no-more-tears
I am numb
I’ve forgotten how to feel
I have become
An impenetrable shell of steel
I won’t succumb
To their appeals
They beat their drum
But I will not reveal
What goes on inside my head
I won’t be drawn, I can’t be read
I’ve run out of tears to shed
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved
I am alone
It’s best that way
I ignore the phone
I have no words today
If they think that I’m not home
Maybe they’ll go away
Cos they just want to know
What I cannot say
What goes on inside my head
I won’t be drawn, I can’t be read
I’ve run out of tears to shed
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved
My words are only mine to hear
I made a promise I will keep
I close my eyes and you’re with me
For now I've everything I need
What goes on inside my head
My vision’s dull, my passion’s dead
I have no heart, I’ve stone instead
My oath is etched upon your grave
I won’t let go, I won’t be saved
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Hi Karen, well this is a very sombre number and I hardly feel qualified to comment, what with my daft songs about ugly babies etc!
Still, I did love that very dramatic and moody piano for a start and thought this song really suited that stripped back 1+1 treatment.
You have a very pithy vocal style that mixes bitterness with an underlying sweetness, and a Celtic gift for melody and poetry that all blends together to concoct a really unique appeal. Sparing harmonies all added to the beauty of it all.
(But if you are ever over in Liverpool me and my missus will take you out on a daft and drunken night out and get all this misery out of you once and for all ;D ...just joking, of course!)
Another very unique and special song to add to an already quality collection!
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Very dark and quite theatrical, I could hear this as part of a West end show such as Les Miserables for instance, all I would suggest is maybe introducing some dark moody strings in the last third but otherwise..a very strong piece.. :)
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@shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) thanks so much Kevin. Hear you on the strings but I really suck at that sort of thing and anyway with dark songs like this sometimes I think strings can push them over the emotional edge.. but I think that's just me.. ;D
Haha @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) I'd say that would be quite a night!! I'm happy to report that songwriting is a very effective route for my misery ;D ;D. The rest of the time I'm a cheery sort :)! And while some of the misery in my songs is personal, not all of it is, to me at least :)!
(But if you are ever over in Liverpool me and my missus will take you out on a daft and drunken night out and get all this misery out of you once and for all ;D ...just joking, of course!)
Thanks a mill for the lovely comments... they are very much appreciated.
K
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Very well crafted song, a very unique voice which i liked.
Thought it had a really cool melody to it :)
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) - Just taking a listen, and writing this
Very nice, can't add anything, don't change it.
Just fine as it is.
btw, your lower register Vox is very cool, could be something you experiment with in future...
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Hi Karen, lovely song. I love dark, sad songs and you always deliver.🎶👊🏻🎶
To me though the piano is too loud. It is competing with your vocal in places where really imho it needs to stay in its lane.😁 As soon as I finished listening to yours I went on spotify and listened to Adeles "someone like you" for a reference point. Now I'm not saying everyone should mix like Adeles team, (the piano style is different for a start.) but it was just to back up my own thoughts as a reference.
So yeah...do with this as you will. 🤪I am only listening on apple pods if that helps.👍🏻
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Cheery is ok!
I like the piano vocal combination - it draws me in as listener.
Sounds intense. And really like it when the second vocals kick in, I get a touch of Stevie Nicks!
I agree with Leo your vocals could be a bit more up front, without losing the intimacy, not quite Adele who's vocals dominate..
Lots to like here
:-)
neil
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This is an excellent moody piece @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) Karen. Personally I would like the 1+1 and wouldn't add anything to it. Your vocal work is top notch and I love the harmonies. I also like your lower vocal work - Quite a range on this one. My only tiny nit would be as Leo has mentioned, would reduce the piano volume a tiny, tiny tad.
A top quality piece of work
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Really lovely, this...I loved the stripped-back feel and the piano is very tasty...though I'd perhaps agree that it could go down just a tiny bit to let that wonderful voice shine through some more...but then again, I do like the understated feel of the vocal...it's not yer big, bold, showbiz "look at MEEEE" kind of thing and maybe that's one of the reasons I like it so much.
Lyrics are great...and made me want to know more...I particularly liked the line about the heart of stone...my Ma used to say to me "you haven't got a heart, you've got a swinging brick" although I'm <sure> she was only joking.
A very lovely thing indeed.
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Yo Karen.
I always eagerly anticipate a new song from yourself and I always know I'm going to love it.
I believe the simplicity of the arrangement compliments the song very well and while further additions may work,I think it would just be another version,not necessarily better. There's always the temptation to tinker,but sometimes leaving well enough alone is the right thing.
Perhaps,the reason you are unsure of any changes is because there are none needed.
I'd echo the consensus of the vocal/piano balance being a little weighted toward the piano,but it's a very small thing.
Immensely enjoyed Karen,thank you for sharing. :)
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Hi, I really like the slightly dischordant piano chords you have chosen, I don’t know what they are but probably augmented/ suspended somethings... they fit the unsettling nature of the song. I agree nothing else is needed. Quality track.
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Haunting & beautiful
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Hi,
All I can say is that my modest ears really enjoyed your song. The stripped down side of the whole makes it possible to appreciate the essential depth of the subject. Nothing bothered me in the mix. It's a song that touches with its emotion and subject.
It's quite successful, I'm brutally sincere ;)
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Thanks all for listening and the great feedback - I am chuffed entirely. Consensus seems to be that the piano is too loud so I've tweaked it a bit and brought it down.. new version uploaded. Vox sounds a bit loud to me now but I guess I always think that. I'll see how it sits after a few listens.. Thanks again - every comment and listen very much appreciated!
@Inanité_sonore (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22286) - thank you for your brutal sincerity. You are very kind!
@PaulG (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21306) - thanks a mill for your lovely comment!
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) - tbh I'm not sure what I'm playing. Sus chords to start with for sure but I mash a few chords together as well so I haven't tried to work it out.. I rarely write on piano but I do tend to end up with a few odd chords when I do :)! Thanks a mill..
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) ah, ever the gentleman. Your words mean a lot and I thank you for them! I tinkered only with levels!
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) - I've just noticed your sig for the first time this evening - heart of stone eh? The lyrics - yeah it's probably more overt than I intended but obviously not too much.. hard with this sort of song tbh. Understated works for me - not sure I have another delivery mode tbh! Thanks a mill - appreciate your words v much.
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) thanks for your comments here and on SC. As noted on your thread I identified with your lovely song too. Hard theme but I'm drawn back often. Piano up as noted, hopefully enough / not too much :) Thanks again...
@Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) - cheery is great! I'm just crap at writing cheery songs :)! I have a couple somewhere I think!
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - thanks for that and for taking the time to check a ref track (I SO never do that - I really should!!) I'm hoping my tweak is enough as noted!
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) - thanks so much.. Yep I do have quite a low voice!!
@Sebandme (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22491) - Thanks a mill.. Much appreciated
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Hi, great piano playing, and some great chords in there (I've used some of them myself I love Aug/Maj 11/13 ths etc etc). Great vocal too!. I wouldn't change anything its great as it is.Think this might be the first one of yours I've listened to, I'll watch out in future!
Cheers
Jamie
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Great listen. I agree with shadowfax about the West End ref. Also agree that subtle strings in certain areas would work although it sounds perfect the way it is. Again i get a Kate Bush vibe from this which is a compliment in any ones book. If reducing the piano volume, in my ears it would be ever so slightly as it doesn't overpower the vocals too much. Enjoyed and will have to check out your other stuff now.
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) The new mix is fabulous :)
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@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) thanks so much for giving it another listen and thanks for the comments on the new mix.. much appreciated (as I really don't know what I'm doing mix-wise ;D ;D ;D).
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) thanks so much.. I think you checked out my last one too (it had whistle) but yes I defo think we're just coming across each other now as I'm relatively new to the forum. Thank you for your lovely comments.. and I'm another fan of such chords.. look forward to checking your stuff out too - love your new one!
@Modestmouse1965/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22459) thanks so much.. Never see myself in that genre so interesting to see refs to it and KB well, I am not worthy but love to even slightly evoke such a comparison. Thanks re comments on levels - hopefully I've addressed that with this mix.
K
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Hi karen.
This is a very moving piece, your vocal tone is great for this, that Low piano register and those little pauses do it for me.
Very nice work.
Andy
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Wow, this is very good Karen. Love the piano motif...nice chords!...and the way the piano arpeggio parts pick the song up and carry it along when they come in. The vocal is absolutely lovely too of course.
Nice bridge too...love how it's introduced with that piano bit and the vocal going right down on the 'I will keep'...just got there!...but it sounds cool.
Does it need something else...maybe not...always difficult to know isn't it...and if it did have strings coming in they would be tricky to get right....no, it doesn't need them. Works great the way it is
I think it was maybe your last song where I was unsure about having the piano AND the acoustic guitar....this one you definitely did right to keep it unadorned. The piano takes a leading role...along with the lovely vocals. It fits here.
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@Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) - thank you Andy!
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - thanks and yes that line is very low.. :) Yes you're right, well last but one, I had piano and guitar in it. I think you were right then and now on this one. Thanks so much..
K
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hello @monnoDb :) Your songs always touch my heart. Chorus is outstanding and vocals expression is sublime. I also like dramatic piano, well done :)
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Hi Karen
This is crazy good. I’m sure I’ve listened to both mixes now but the current one is excellent.
The line “an impenetrable she’ll of steel” has a great rhythm and poetry to it. I also really like the phrase “I won’t be saved” which has a slight double meaning - I’ll never be saved and I don’t want to be saved, which is great.
The dramatic pause sealed it for me - super song and performance.
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Thanks a mill for your lovely comments @Sunduta (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22379) - much appreciated!
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - thanks so much for your lovely comments and for checking out both mixes. Glad to hear that I appear to have (almost at least) fixed the levels problem.. You always make me think about my lyrics ;D - I do like to fill my songs with lots of syllables! Re "I won't be saved" yes I guess it's probably more the latter but yes I do like the ambiguity... Thanks so much.
K
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Hi Karen
Cheery? haha I thought for a moment you wrote cheesy :D
But this is great - lovely vocals and dark mood a la Alanis Morrisette.
Love how the piano hammers on that 9th note ;D and your vocals re perfect as usual.
There's nothing not to like in this one
Paul
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a wonderful vocal performance. A beautiful honest and emotive song. Stunning!
Paul
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I cannot offer much more but just saying I really like the lyrics
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So Dark and yet lovely at the same time. very well done!
I really like the melody change @ "What goes on inside my head"
I was sad when this ended....:). Ray
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Hi Karen,
Right in my ball park.
Loving the mood.
Piano sound is really nice.
I could imagine Martin Gore singing this during his solo spot at a Depeche Mode gig.
Needs a black and white video.
Digger
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I'll take advantage of Digger's bump for a quick thanks before I let this post slide back down :)
Thanks to @digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823), @Bostonfan2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22448) @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) @lillypilly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19725)
Such lovely comments - I thank you!
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I'm so glad this popped back up again, cause I missed it while I was away from the forum :( This is such a powerful track K 8)
I always love anything you write but they just seem to keep getting better and better :) The 1+1 piano and vocal work perfectly with the
rather dark, but poetic lyrics (and I do like dark) ;) Your vocals are always captivating and draw me into the story line in a hypnotic kind of way, especially when the harmonies subtly make their appearance 8) Beautifully executed song :)