The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Paulski on September 13, 2019, 07:50:29 PM
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I was literally driving my car with a peach in my jacket pocket when this came to me. Does it work?
Peaches
She started her life on a Georgia farm
Red hair, pink cheeks - all part of her charm
Out in the orchard, pickin' the fruit
Workin' and learnin' a lesson or two, like..
Peaches don't like to be knocked around
They're easily bruised and the bruise turns brown
They're the sweetest thing that can ever be found
But peaches don't like to be knocked around
At sixteen she married a heartless brute
His eyes were as wicked as hers were blue
And she found herself on the receiving end
Of the kick and the punch of an angry man, but
Peaches don't like to be knocked around
They're easily bruised and and the bruise turns brown
They're the sweetest thing that can ever be found
But peaches don't like to be knocked around
One day he was raging, especially rough
And Peaches decided she'd had enough
So she drug up an axe from the basement floor
And she swung as he came through the bedroom door
So he never can bruise her anymore
'cause..
Peaches don't like to be knocked around
They're easily bruised and the bruise turns brown
They're the sweetest thing that can ever be found
The sweetest thing that can ever be found
Yes, the sweetest thing that can ever be found...
But Peaches don't like to be knocked around.
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Yup, it works. It's great. The only thing I'd change is instead of he doesn't "abuse" her anymore, he doesn't "bruise" her any more.
Look forward to hearing what you do with it. I hope there's some kind of Bernard Hermann- type thing when the axe comes out. 😊
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It works for me Mr @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) but what was the peach doing in your jacket pocket. Don't ya know they get all squidgy ;D
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Ouch. Nice storytelling. For some reason I didn't quite hear the word "wounds" as fitting well - maybe you could turn it around "they're easily harmed and their bruises turn brown" - or something!
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Paul,
Its a yes for me.
The chorus song particularly catchy or should I say peachy in my head as I read it.
:-)
Neil
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This reminded me of "Gunpowder and Smoke" by Miranda Lambert. In both, I guess what I find missing is any real sense that leaving was impossible, so killing him was the only option. Killing the abuser (in real life, and in stories/songs) should be a last resort, and this did not (imo) impart that "last resort" concept. A song that does convey the "last resort" justification btw is "Goodbye Earl," by the Dixie Chicks. I'm not even sure where I got it, but I did have a sense from that song that leaving was not going to be an option. I suspect that I got it from the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" which seems to be related to the song.
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Yup, it works. It's great. The only thing I'd change is instead of he doesn't "abuse" her anymore, he doesn't "bruise" her any more.
Look forward to hearing what you do with it. I hope there's some kind of Bernard Hermann- type thing when the axe comes out. 😊
Great advice - I changed "abuse" to bruise. Thanks!
It works for me Mr @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) but what was the peach doing in your jacket pocket. Don't ya know they get all squidgy ;D
Thanks John - yep they really don't like to get knocked around. ;D
Ouch. Nice storytelling. For some reason I didn't quite hear the word "wounds" as fitting well - maybe you could turn it around "they're easily harmed and their bruises turn brown" - or something!
Cheers Adam - I originally had "their skins turned brown" then someone suggest that wasn't PC. I agree "wounds" is hard to sing and interrupts the flow. So I'm going to repeat "bruise" hehe - nothing better than a little repetition IMO.
Paul,
Its a yes for me.
The chorus song particularly catchy or should I say peachy in my head as I read it.
:-)
Neil
Thanks Neil - glad it works for you. I'm thinking Tom Petty vibe if I can pull it off ;D
This reminded me of "Gunpowder and Smoke" by Miranda Lambert. In both, I guess what I find missing is any real sense that leaving was impossible, so killing him was the only option. Killing the abuser (in real life, and in stories/songs) should be a last resort, and this did not (imo) impart that "last resort" concept. A song that does convey the "last resort" justification btw is "Goodbye Earl," by the Dixie Chicks. I'm not even sure where I got it, but I did have a sense from that song that leaving was not going to be an option. I suspect that I got it from the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" which seems to be related to the song.
Hi Verlon Good points - but this girl started with the last resort I guess ;D Always good to get your read on things.
Thanks to all who read and commented ;D
Paul
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Yes peaches are the sweetest thing.
Concise.
A good write.