The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: PaulyX on September 11, 2019, 10:38:31 PM
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Hi, so, many of your were kind enough to give me really good, blunt and detailed feedback on "Pushing Chords Around a Fretboard". I took it all on board and it evolved into this track. Wasn't sure if it deserves its own thread since it is half the same song, but hey, it has a different title and vibe now, so here it is. Please don't feel obliged to comment as I'm already grateful for your time and the feedback on Take 1, but I thought I should share it as you guys shaped it a lot.
I hope now it has got more of a mojo to it - punchier guitars and drums, letting its hair down a bit more. Pompey Jazz was kind enough to do some BVs. And some of you thought the previous chorus lyrics were too introspective so I've turned it more into a kind of ode to the nation's pastimes... celebrating having a hobby in the face of the inevitable.
Thanks mates.
Pauly
The Things That Keep Us Ticking
I heard that they are taking volunteers for Mars
It’s history in the making but you can’t come back
Your bones will buckle, and for all your trouble, there’ll be
Volunteers for Venus waiting on the launch pad
I could have been a man of letters if I had just stuck with it
Like my elders and my betters, but back at school, the dogma bored me rigid
So I baulk at the prospect of their TED talk
Coz they’re crouching on the blunders of midgets
And so
That is why we spend our time on the things that keep us ticking
That is why spend our time on the things that keep us ticking
I’m 37 million and fifth in line to the throne
Just a dim civilian but hey, you never know
Come zombie apocalypse I could be holed-up in some megaplex
Fashioning a makeshift crown
But still
We would rather spend our time on the things that keep us ticking
We would rather spend our time on the things that keep us ticking
Jogging, blogging, window shopping, photo bombing, body popping
Five a side or happy hour, singing gospel in the shower
Oil painting, figure skating, franticly gesticulating
At the ref or learning yoga, doing doughnuts in your Skoda
Trying for a new world record, pushing chords around a fretboard
Expressing your point of view with caps-lock on (good luck to you)
Keep on keeping on my friend, it doesn’t matter, in the end
A pyrrhic victory’s still winning
For we must do the things that keep us ticking
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Yeah..onwards and upwards, great track..aint got no nits mate, like it!! 8) 8) :)
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@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034)
Great job here my friend. The Dynamics are much better. The song now breathes and evolves. I can hear that you have really absorbed all of the previous reviews and implemented many new ideas to make this production shine.
Excellent!
Paul
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Hi Guys, I thought I'd already posted a review on this :o, must have got lost in the machinery ::). Good work guys enjoyed it a lot,unfortunately I didn't hear the original so I can't compare, but no crits from me!
Cheers
Jamie
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Very clever to make it more general and so more relatable. Glad you kept the verses which are artful and intriguing.
Maybe I'm being too clever but I reckon there might be something more you could do with time/ticking in the chorus (nothing wrong with it but I just felt it might have some extra mileage.)
The ending is where it all flourishes - love the "list" here (reminds me of a slightly less frantic REM End of the World As we Know It...) - all the concepts and rhymes are fabulous. One idea for this could be a duet with PJ panned left and right with each of you taking an item in turn. Just a thought.
Loved hearing the evolution of this one - it was cool before but now it really lives up to its potential.
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What a top track guys. I didn't hear the original but this is great. Can't hear any faults. Vox and harmonies work nicely. So many great changes and builds. Just what i love in a track. Nice one guys.
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Oh come on - give me something to complain about!
This is a super track all the way round - not a nit to be found.
And it keeps growing with that bridge and ending keeping it interesting to the final tick.
As the mercans would say "Well done y'all!"
Paul
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Paul, definitely more polished the production and opened the lyrics up. A great tune either version, not sure which I prefer. The list ending is really top way to end the track.
:-)
neil
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Yes it's a great track Pauly and I'm also a fan of the new ending...I echo Adam's comments on the couplets and rhymes....great!
The new chorus slant is good and perhaps you were well-advised to make the lyric there of more general appeal....oh, please don't hate me.....but I think the 'pushing chords' had a stronger image...but of course I can personally identify with that where a lot of people can't.
And if I hadn't heard the old version I would be none the wiser!
And it's still great!
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Yo Pauly.
I love your style of composing,it instantly clicks with me. Love those clanking/repeating guitars,man this thing has drive.
Great throwaway lines abound,the 'midgets' one is epic!
I love everything you've done,letting John Lennon work his magic on BVs was an inspired choice.
That part from 2.53 on is magic,totally hook city. 8)
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Well you see I was quite attached to the chords / fretboard version @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) and found myself inexplicably opposed to a rewrite although I did keep this to myself :) ;D ;D
I now have to admit that I like this version even just as much !! I love your lyric-writing both content and the rhythm of it.. This is really marvellous!
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This was already excellent...it's better now...in many ways, though I think i maybe preferred the original "fretboard" chorus...i dunno...what a dilemma :-)
I think it's been a fascinating evolution for this song and seeing it play out in public is brilliant. I reckon it shows what a dilemma we can get ourselves into...
John (pompeyjazz) and I were talking the other day about the benefits of just whacking stuff out and moving on...and although I appreciate the extra time, effort, thought and care that goes into many songs produced on the forum...i also think that there can be a certain charm about some stuff that's incredibly difficult to distill and improve upon without losing something precious in the process. I'm not saying that this is what's happened here...i just think that there are so many brilliant ideas hatched by folks on here, i sometimes feel as though there's a hand that guides a lot of other far lesser stuff towards success whilst we never quite get to successfully bring our ideas to life in the way we hoped to. That's how i often feel, anyway.
What a great song, though!
And those lyrics are right up there with the best of the best.