The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on September 11, 2019, 11:55:58 AM
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Hi Everyone,
Here's something about love, life, and the passing of time.
Appreciate any and all comments, ideas, and thoughts.
Thanks,
Lynn, Keith and Dave
New mix
Listen to Faraway My lovely with HSC Honesty by Hull Soul Collective on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/diademgrove/faraway-my-lovely-with-hsc-honesty
Original mix
Listen to and Hull Soul Collective Honesty by faraway my lovely on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/fml-and-hsc-honesty
She turned her head and looked into cerulean eyes
He brushed a wisp of hair behind her ear
He kissed her cheek and said I'll see you later
He cuffed his jeans and waded into the grey green sea
Honesty was a castle made of sand
She closed her eyes and didn't watch him leave
Years ago she left another man for him
He had a wife he loved but she was ill
He said you know I'll never love you that way
It didn't matter because she loves him still
Honesty was a castle in the sand
She closed her eyes and knew he wouldn't leave
Now she sees that time is passing quickly
A wave has come and filled the castle's moat
As she slips into the grey green water
The truth is that she isn't sure she'll float
Honesty's a castle in the sand
She closed her eyes and hoped he wouldn't go
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Great track!! :) usually like what you produce, my only crit for this track is that the lead guitar sounds a bit pedestrian/amateurish compared to the pro sounding rest of the track and it's a touch too forward..for me anyways :) :) lyrics are brill!!
good work as per usual... :) :)
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I like the track too.
I agree mostly with what shadowfax said.
I enjoyed the listen.
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Thanks for the comments, much appreciated.
@shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) and @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) it may help if I explain my views on the lead guitar. I wanted something slightly odd but fairly simple and straightforward. I wanted it to slightly drag against the song. That was what I heard when listening to Lynn's demo. I think they complement the lyrics more than something more complicated and "professional" sounding would.
Apologies if I've missed the points you were making.
Thanks again,
Keith
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Hi guys, I liked this. It had a sort of folky vibe to it. There's a really good dreamy atmospheric feel to it. I get what you're saying about the lead guitar Keith but maybe I would drop it down in the mix a bit as it does seem to dominate a bit. Anyway, just my opinion and I thought that it's a mighty fine song :)
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Great words Lynn! I read it a couple of times before listening - such cleverness around the variations around the "She closed her eyes...." lines and I really like the mood of the whole thing. Love the concept.. and the imagery.. And I just LOVE what you've done around the vocal arrangement / treatment on the last verse lines (the overlapping) - sounds absolutely fab. Captivating stuff... Not surprising I like it I guess. I liked that guitar line personally and the drums are fab!
Might be my favourite so far.. and I'm already a fan!
Great work you three! :)
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Thanks for the comments, much appreciated.
@shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) and @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) it may help if I explain my views on the lead guitar. I wanted something slightly odd but fairly simple and straightforward. I wanted it to slightly drag against the song. That was what I heard when listening to Lynn's demo. I think they complement the lyrics more than something more complicated and "professional" sounding would.
Apologies if I've missed the points you were making.
Thanks again,
Keith
Hi Keith, I get what your saying re guitar but I for sure wasn't suggesting it should be more complicated, in my book complicated doesn't mean it's more pro...
the simple guitar part is fine, I just didn't get the dragging bit...your explanation clears it up..
best, Kevin
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Not unlike Suzanne Vega who's writing and vocal style I greatly admire. I'd perhaps let the lead guitar sit back a little as there are some lovely things going on in this track that are a little overshadowed.
Beautiful vocals!
Paul
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Fantastic lyrics, I liked the incidental details like the cuffing of the jeans. I also liked the handclaps in lieu of more prominent drums. It's slightly spooky and a bit folky and a bit chanty... I could imagine a cult singing this around a campfire before starting some kind of ritual... Oh and a tiny thing but I liked the "whale noise" like guitar effect right at the very end as it fades out.
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Love that sandcastle metaphor and the whole narrative, all well written. The vocal is real moody and haunting and cleverly produced - so that now we can definitely hear your signature sound Lynn. And very convincing it is too and really carries the song well.
Bit of a left field alt-rock folk tune this, I feel, and the whole thing really suits you! You are all putting together a very distinctive body of work, and all of the tunes would sound great live I bet. A proper band! 8)
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I think the guitar is fine for this....as that seems to be an issue in dispute!
The more melodic chorus makes a nice contrast with the flatter delivery of the verses and is probably the highlight for me (I'm a simple soul!)
It's probably not a concern of yours or Keith's for that matter but I would have liked the guitar to have done a bit of something wilder in the short break at 2.50...to break it up a bit more and pull us out of it for a while before going back in again...a very conventional thought which probably goes against your intentions...but I am very stuck in my way of thinking!
It's an interesting track with that plodding rhythm which drags it along and really makes its mark on the song where sometimes I listen to something without really noticing the drum track.
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Like the guitars on the intro - sets the scene well. Enjoying the storytelling, it has underneath everything it feel like electronic folk tune.
Vocals all set it off nicely
Only thought was I couldn't hear any bass..
:)
Neil
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Hello folks
I loved the vocals and the lyrics in particular...I'm a big fan of Lynn's vocals...and they're sounding really lovely again here.
The aforementioned guitar track puzzled me a little...I think your stuff is pretty arty and unconventional...and I mean that in a good way...so it's perhaps a question of interpretation...but I thought the guitar nailed and failed in equal measure, to be honest with you.
But I thought it was a really cool number with a trance-like quality to it.
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Hi Lynn
I really liked this - great vocals and a plodding kind of trance-like arrangement that really worked.
I'm still hearing those haunting melody lines in my head. ;D ;D
How did you get Neil Young to play guitar on this? He is often criticized by the purists but I think it sounds soulful and unconventional - just like the song.
Good stuff
Paul
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I just wanted to thank everyone for all your gracious comments.
Kev, I don't agree with you about the guitar sounding pedestrian. To me is sounds like a response to the lyrics, and makes perfect sense. I hear words in the rhythm and tone. I know what Keith is capable of on guitar better than anyone, so maybe that's influencing my interpretation. But I'm really glad you are able to give us a critical review in a kind way. Really appreciate that, and I'm glad you like most of the rest of it. 😊
Thanks Rightly. Hope you're feeling okay.
Thanks pj. Really glad you got a dreamy vibe from it. The lyrics came to me in a dream, so that makes sense.
Thanks so much Karen! Really glad you liked those background vocals. I owe Keith so much for getting them to sound that good. Also thanks for saying that about my lyrics. That means so much coming from you.
Thanks wicked Paul. Really pleased to be compared to Suzanne Vega. I'll take that!
Haha PaulyX. What would the purpose of that cult be? I can only imagine...Jeez.
Thanks Michael. I actually thought the sandcastle metaphor was a bit trite, but since it's the whole backbone of the song, so I couldn't really think of anything else that slipped gracefully into place. I'm glad you liked it. I'm on the fence about the lyrics, honestly. Honesty is honestly not my best writing. 😊 I'm pleased with everything Keith and Dave did to make it up to our usual standards.
Thanks Viscount Cramer. I think all of that was Keith's doing and decision making.
Thanks Neil. There's bass. Maybe it's a bit too low in the mix? Glad you like the storytelling. Reminds me a little of Hepburn and Tracy.
Thanks PaulAds for liking my voice and lyrics. We may be a little arty. Haha. I know we're not for everyone, and I'm fine with that. I'm just lucky to have this forum to give us feedback, which is so valuable. Really appreciate your time.
Thanks Canada. Haha. That sounds like Keith. Soulful and unconventional. I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks again, everyone.
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Hi, I think the guitar worked fine, if just a touch too loud. It contrasted well with the dreamy keyboards.Great vocals, good sound overall.
Enjoyed it!
Jamie
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Really liked this - got more into it as it went on. The hook is great, and everything really supports it - the organ really adds to the psychodelic feel.
The guitar is great when the overall sound is fuller - possibly it slightly pokes out during the intro when not so much is happening so maybe something subtler or just turning down a touch could be a worth trying there.
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Lovely Dreamy song. Love your vocals and reminds me of a folky Kirsty mcColl. Would love to have heard a lingering bass line and up a bit in the mix. I think the Lead is fine but in my opinion would work better if sitting back in the mix a bit. Nice one guys.
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Yo Lynn,Keith and Dave.
I dig the electric folk feel to the song and the great vocal delivery,very bittersweet and totally captivating.
I know you lot plot your very own course and the world is surely a better place for that,but there are a couple of things I'll mention,then you can ignore!
I'd love a more audible bass.
Don't have the lead guitar playing after every line,or pulled way down in the mix,or both! For me it detracts from the song,too busy and too...there. (Sorry Keith)
Then again,if you listened to folk like me,you'd be yet another verse/chorus outfit! ;)
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Thanks Jamie, Adam, ModestMouse1965, and Skub!
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) we don't ignore any advice. We just sometimes choose not to use it. 😉
In this case, here's the new mix:
Listen to Faraway My lovely with HSC Honesty by Hull Soul Collective on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/diademgrove/faraway-my-lovely-with-hsc-honesty