The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: irwin on August 31, 2019, 04:14:44 PM
-
Hi guys, this song is a collaboration I did with two of my friends and I am asking for some feedback.
https://soundcloud.com/jay-williams-productions/lonely-fool
Lonely Fool
©2019 Irwin Byron Abrigo
(First verse)
If anybody see my baby
Tell her that I'm feeling lonely
Cause not anyone
Can do the things she does
She keeps me lively
In the day time
Make's me groan in the night
But now that she's gone I really
(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home
(Second verse)
If anybody see my lady
Tell her that I'm going crazy
She said she's leaving
Miss understanding
I said baby don't you worry
I will be happy
But that was a lie
Cause now I really
(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home
(Bridge)
I don’t want to be a lonely fool
Sitting alone in these lonely rooms
Since she’s been gone there been pain in my brain
Asking myself over and over again
Am I a fool (no) did all I had to do (Yes)
Then why she’s not in my presents
Why in my arms she is absent
(Pre chorus)
The room is still a room
A chair is still a chair
The bed still lies there
But if she's not here
(Chorus)
I’ll be at home like a lonely fool
Pretending to be cool
If she's not here to open the door
When I got home
-
I liked the pre-choruses a great deal Irwin... the lyrics, the melody, the excellent way your friend sings them, everything. I also like the way the chorus melody was unexpected; in a way it is an 'anti-chorus' because the songs gets simpler and quieter at those moments. I thought that approach was interesting but the chorus didn't excite as much as the verses... maybe there is an alternative version you could do with a more conventional bigger chorus? I just felt that lovely pre-chorus deserved a bigger pay-off. Nice work though and good to hear from you.
-
@irwin (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19439) - this is a tricky song for my ears , i struggled with quite a bit of it, the arrangement, the mix, the vocal lines, since you are after constructive crit, i’ll listen a bit more to make sure...I’ll be back ...
-
It's very interesting and ambitious. The rhythms are slightly wild but definitely grabbed me and felt quite infectious (not sure what dance I would do!). There's something quite unsettling about them which of course works well with the theme of the song.
The chorus didn't work so well for me - perhaps because the beat drops out altogether. It's definitely effective - the contrast with the verse/prechorus makes this stand out in a cool way. So one thing that you might try is exposing the vocal even more by also dropping out the synth and making the chorus a breakdown section (perhaps with just bass or some percussion). I think I would try something like that (though this is really not my area!)...
Anyhow, I also enjoyed the nod in the pre-chorus to one of the most emotional heartbreak songs of all time, and the vocal is really well performed and produced.
-
A very unusual song to my ears. Grabbed my attention. I wouldn't know how to improve this. On second listen i expect some harmonies to come in on second verse and some sort of uplifting keyboard sound on the bridge. Just my 2 cents worth. My earphones are broken but will listen to this again when i have new ones. Great job.
-
I liked the pre-choruses a great deal Irwin... the lyrics, the melody, the excellent way your friend sings them, everything. I also like the way the chorus melody was unexpected; in a way it is an 'anti-chorus' because the songs gets simpler and quieter at those moments. I thought that approach was interesting but the chorus didn't excite as much as the verses... maybe there is an alternative version you could do with a more conventional bigger chorus? I just felt that lovely pre-chorus deserved a bigger pay-off. Nice work though and good to hear from you.
Hi PaulyX, I very much appreciate you taking time to comment on my song above. Thanks for the advice you have given.
Irwin
-
Hi guys, good collaboration. Unusual structure, arrangement etc! It took me 30 secs or more to get a feel for this song, but when I did I really enjoyed it. The pr chorus is fantastic, the singer reminded me of Annie Lennox, which is cool, the chorus was sort of inverted as it seemed to lose impetus, but as the song came to the end I liked the chorus too!
I thought there were some little timing issues in there, but a good listen.
Really good, enjoyed it.
Cheers
Jamie
-
Hi!
This style is not what i usually listen to so it's hard for me to give some good feedback here. It feels like the music and vocals are two separate songs in a way. Like there is a vocal track that's been put over an other song if that makes sense. I think there are some potential in the vocal melody but it needs backing support from the music to have an impact.
-
This is very interesting, not my style but theres a vibe to this! Vocals are nice! But agree with others theres parts where the vocal and music sound completely separate.
Cool vibe tho!
-
@irwin (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19439) - this is a tricky song for my ears , i struggled with quite a bit of it, the arrangement, the mix, the vocal lines, since you are after constructive crit, i’ll listen a bit more to make sure...I’ll be back ...
Hi cowparsleyman, I was hoping for you to be back, At this time I want to thank you listening to my song.
-
I didn't like the lyric when I read it, but loved it when I HEARD it. Sometimes that happens.
The music is in a style that doesn't speak to me, but I can tell it's really well done, and the whole song works well. I think it's a good song. Good to hear from you again.