The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jambrains on August 18, 2019, 08:48:54 PM
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What? Another ballad? From Jambrains? What is the world coming to? I have no idea...
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) (as always) helped me navigate the intricate maze know to man as English :-)
https://soundcloud.com/jambrains/shine-on-me
You know you stole my heart
And without you, how can I start
To build a life with somebody new
When all I ever wanted was you
You know I worshipped you, body and soul
But I couldn’t stem the flow
Of the poison that coursed through your veins
As it beat you again and again
Your love would shine on me
And lead me through the darkness
Your love would shine on me
Make a path for me to walk
Your love would shine on me
You’d be my beacon in the distance
Your love would shine on me
And guide me home
I curse the morning sun
As it steals its way into my room
To bring me one more bloody day
Of crushing pain I cannot push away
Your love would shine on me
And lead me through the darkness
Your love would shine on me
Make a path for me to walk
Your love would shine on me
You’d be my beacon in the distance
Your love would shine on me
And guide me home
You acted always without fear
You were my sword
You were my shield
So who will fight
for me now
Who’ll tell me when
Who’ll show me how?
Your love would shine on me
And lead me through the darkness
Your love would shine on me
Make a path for me to walk
Your love would shine on me
You’d be my beacon in the distance
Your love would shine on me
And guide me home
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Jam! You’ve been listening to too much bloody Roxette again eh?!🤣
I like this a lot, my only suggestion might be...in the chorus, to change EVERY OTHER “your love would shine on me” to “yeah,you would shine on me” just to change it up a little...I know it’s the same syllable count either way, but imho, it would just “sing” nicer that way on those second bits where the phrasing\meter is slightly different.
I hope that helps you soppy bastard!!😂🤣😘
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Indeed what's going on?
Anyway tasteful tune and arrangements which contrast with your-lived in vocals.
Interesting chord changes in the verse, however the chorus is the star. Its simple, catchy as hell. I could hear that on the radio.
Just hoping for a soaring guitar solo on that at the outro? But no!!
Still enjoyable 4 minutes.
:)
Neil
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Ah Shane Magowan turns up again,all sober/cleaned up and
half respectable. ;D
A lovely rock ballad Johan. I dig your chilled period. It's a song performed by a man comfortable in his own musical skin.
Karen did a great job helping with the lyrics,it all fits together sweetly.
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@lostboys (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20370): I am Roxette, I've just never told anyone! :) Thanks for the input, I'd doubt I'll change it but I do see the point you are making. Made in a later revision...
And re "soppy bastard": I've worked with the master himself ;)
@Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) : thanks for taking the time, much appreciated. Re the solo, I did try but I could not get it right (and I've done it a number of times before) so I decided to let it be for the time being, maybe later....
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061): Grma! Yeah, Shane is ever present is some way it seems :)And I'd still be lost in the maze had if I did now have Karen to lead me through it, I owe her big time and not just for this one.
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Very nicely put together...I'm a real fan of your softer sounding stuff.
Lyrics are very well done and you seem to sing them with ease.
Instruments and mix are spot on, I reckon.
A top-class job all round 😃
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) - Really dig this one Johann/Karen, I especially like the BV's so beautifully arranged and mixed. Guitars are super glassy and placed perfectly.
Was that you Karen on Keys?
A real treat to me lugoles, no Vicky Nits from me. I get what Neil C was getting at with the Gtr blast at the end, but it worked for me without it.
Great song
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Nowt wrong with a good old rock ballad my friend..I agree with lost boy regarding the chorus, other than that...no crits..a fine piece of work. :) 8)
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Lovely clarity in this instrumentation, an emotional backing track that it is.
I do like how you keep stripping back after each main chorus build. That dynamic helps carry the song very well. And the thenmidbinstrumental is delicious.
Maybe a little too much repetition of the lyrics in the chorus for my taste, but the it's certainly memorable so what do I know...
Anyway, you suit these slower ballads which you are pulling off with some style.
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Blimey JB - You're getting real good at this ballad stuff. This has a great ambience and a great clarity as well. I think your voice is really suited to this sort of song. There's some lovely light and shade as well. This is a piece of top quality :)
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Where do you find the time to write so many beauties. Great chorus and harmony.Great subtle guitar breakdown.
https://soundcloud.com/user-335183051
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Highlights for me are the delicate piano parts and the very effective changes/melody in the verse (line 3 especially).
It's just a great ballad, not too cliche, and highly accomplished.