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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on August 10, 2019, 08:28:42 AM

Title: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 10, 2019, 08:28:42 AM
Hi all - here is something that I have done which is a bit quirky as usual, but with a mildly more serious side. The main problem I thought I had was that for a simple indie pop song it was getting a bit long, so I halved the first chorus, which is designed to help it zip along a bit. Hopefully this worked.


It's also an attempt at a quirky ballad, which I have found a harder nut to crack, with the slower tempo required for the most part.


https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/24-hour-emotional-breakdown-service (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/24-hour-emotional-breakdown-service)

Lyrics:

24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service

Got your message, on my way
Donned my overalls right away
Mission improbable
Distress signal faraway

Turnaround your sat nav said
But hoping heart and stubborn head
Made sure you carried on
To one big mess instead

Guess I'm the guy who'll patch the holes
In your punctured lovely soul
24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
And the call out is free
Yours exclusively


Well I thought you'd had enough
Of the rocky road of love
All bumping dodgem cars
The ride out there is rough

When I get there see you sob
This looks like a quite big job
I gently splice the widget
Adjust the thingamabob


Guess I'm the guy who'll patch the holes
In your punctured lovely soul
24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service

Got manuals and all the tools
To dry your tears, make it all cool
24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
And the call out is free
Yours exclusively



Then in the twilight
Wish I could seize this night
You look away
I look away
It's not our way
So not our way
My lovely one

RPT CHORUS

My lovely one
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: cowparsleyman on August 10, 2019, 09:45:39 AM
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - Very nice indeed, love the B3...beautifully placed BVox, hooky M8, clever stuff Mike.

Possible opportunity for another vocal in the M8.

Loved the 'Yours exclusively' lyric.

Glad you resisted any temptation to put a solo instrument break in.

Yip...all very well done.

Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: CaliaMoko on August 10, 2019, 06:51:15 PM
This is so clever! And I swear, I'm not easy to entertain. Although my kids may beg to differ when I keep stopping to look at bugs and rocks when we're on a walk....but I digress.

The only nit I have is a picky-roony one--I'm obsessive about clean pronunciation (most of the time, but there are exceptions), so I noticed "Well, I thought chew'd had enough" and would prefer to hear "Well, I thought you'd had enough." But that's my only crit. Very clever. I already said that. Okay....

Vicki
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Andreas on August 10, 2019, 08:48:30 PM
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - Loved it! The lyrics are so clever and well written, and I loved the chorus :) And the organs follow the lyrics and your voice in a good way.

Well done! :)

Cheers
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: pompeyjazz on August 10, 2019, 09:42:23 PM
Clever stuff @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) Do you get to wear a uniform and drive an emotional support vehicle? I thought that this was quite different for you. I liked the way that you took it down and brought it up again. The lyrics and your slightly sardonic vocal delivery were the winners for me, oh and that dirty organ, is that dirtbag by ant chance? Put a big smile on my face  :)
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: PaulyX on August 10, 2019, 10:41:20 PM
Really quite touching as well as funny. Liked it a lot... you’ve managed to make a ballad that rings true but still has one eyebrow raised, so isn’t cheesy. Clever.
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Bostonfan2 on August 11, 2019, 12:42:50 AM
I love a good melody and this has that and clever well written lyrics....
curious how it would sound if you had taken the vox up on the end of "service" instead of back down....nicely done!!
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: crystalsuzy on August 11, 2019, 12:18:08 PM
beautifully written ballad Michael :) I'd know your songs anywhere...they are so unique and usually quirky, in a excellent way :-* 
Bitter, sweet and very clever lyrics.  Love the organ and your vocals. Lovely melody and the chorus is very catchy...love the harmonies  8)
I think you cracked this 'ballad nut' very well 8)
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: adamfarr on August 12, 2019, 02:47:02 PM
Feeling quite sad after this - poor narrator is clearly stuck in the friend zone, but what a brilliant friend to have, probably fixes everything (again) with unselfish humour.

I think you bring over that story and emotion really well, great balladeering. The harmonies around the hook are beautiful too.
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 13, 2019, 06:39:21 PM
Hi to all who have taken the trouble to comment, it is mucho appreciated!

@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) , yep I agree that M8 could take another vocal layer. Thanks.

@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) , thanks and glad you were entertained, although that's difficult to do, ha ha. I didn't notice that sloppy pronunciation you pointed out, so thanks for that.

@Younger Hills (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101) , cheers for that, glad to have a happy listener  ;D

@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) , if you're interested in the South Coast franchise for the Emotional Breakdown Service, then it's yours - and of course there is a uniform and a van all included! Thanks for the comments. The organ though is just a basic GarageBand organ with a bit of overdrive applied, and I use it quite a bit. I keep trying to write this Millenium's 'Whiter Shade Of Pale' with it, as I am kind of addicted to that organ sound. But no luck yet, although I will keep you posted.

Thanks @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) , you are a bit of a subtle practitioner of clever lyrics yourself, so am glad to take these comments!

@Bostonfan2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22448) , yeah thanks. Interesting point on the hook. The up bit is delivered by the harmonies. But we Northern English are too miserable to keep going up, sorry. We always have to come down! It's just how it is.  ;)

Thanks @crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) , all very kind of you. As you will know, it is harder to do slower Quirky I feel because the melody seems to stand out so much more with slow tempo, whether it is good or bad. I'm so glad you think I cracked I this time 🙂

Hi @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , thanks, but don't be sad. It is only a story!  ;) thanks for the positive feedback though...
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Neil C on August 14, 2019, 06:23:07 PM
Michael,
Great chorus. Got the stately weight of Devine Comedy and clever words.
Lots to like, including the cakes by the way
:-)
neil   

ps when I go to the SC page I get the lyrics popping up - how to get rid of them? this isn't just with yours, had it with quiet a few other ones..
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Wicked Deeds on August 14, 2019, 08:03:34 PM
Quality song in all areas Michael.  Instantly catchy melody, cool lyrics and good production.  There's a shade of Jarvis Cocker here.  Pure quality!

Paul
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 15, 2019, 01:50:13 PM
Hi @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) , thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not sure what you mean about the lyrics on SC. obviously I put them there, but haven't seen anything popping up like you say. Try hitting your device, that should sort it!  ;D

Oh ta @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) , yeah well Jarvis is an old hero of mine, so I don't mind that tag.  ;)
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Skub on August 16, 2019, 02:55:58 PM
Damn you and your bun pics Mikey-boi. Need sugar now.  >:(

I love the way you craft your lyrical ideas,a proper little wordsmith are you.

Sweet vocals and harmonies,all as sweet as those friggin' buns.  >:(...I mean  :)

I'd concur with the venerable CPM,I think a little vocal extra on the M8 would be cool,but it would be just a minor icing on the bloody buns.  >:(

 :)

Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 16, 2019, 10:08:56 PM
Thanks @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) , yes I will sort that M8. But I also love those cakes. So much so that I may well become the artist known as Cake Shop Boy!  ;D
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MonnoDB on August 18, 2019, 06:35:51 PM
Hey @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - this is very clever indeed! Vocal is delivered very well - challenging with a slow song (well, for me anyways!).. Another cracker from the King of Quirky!! Only thing I'd change is I'd leave off the final "My lovely one".. I think it would be stronger ending on the chorus.. but that's probably just me!
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: redrhodie on August 21, 2019, 02:28:51 PM
So sweet. I never know what to expect from your songs, but I'm never disappointed and always listen to the end. You're a great songwriter with a unique style. You know how to use your voice, literally and figuratively.

Lynn
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 23, 2019, 01:53:39 PM
Hi @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820), I must tell my wife I am now 'king' of something. She'll be delighted to start showing me more respect!  ;) thanks for the general encouragement , and I'm thinking over your ending suggestion...

Hi there @redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) , that review really encouraged me. Sometimes it seems hard to keep going with this when no real success ever seems to come. But the odd word of encouragement from fellow songwriters can really help in you believing in yourself more. So thanks Lynn. I might write another one now!  :D
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: redrhodie on August 23, 2019, 04:46:53 PM
Michael, that's funny that you don't think you have real success. Your songs are consistently highly praised and often win song of the month. You're quite successful.

But I can see why you'd say that, because when you get that kind of praise from other songwriters, you must feel should be able to make a living doing this. I don't know why you're not. You should be.

Since the world is apparently not fair 🤔, I hope you just keep making songs for yourself and us. But mainly yourself, because there may come a time where most of the forum doesn't like one of them, or stops reviewing you for who knows what reason, and you shouldn't let that stop you. That might be the song that resonates with the powers that be. So I hope this helps. You have a unique talent. It would be a shame if you stopped using it.

Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on August 23, 2019, 10:55:58 PM
Hi Lynn @redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) , thanks that is very supportive. In general the encouragement I have had on this forum has been fantastic and a real inspiration for me.

But yeah, you are partly right in that I wish I could do this for a living. But before that just a tiny bit of radio exposure or music critic endorsement would really add some momentum to my efforts.

Having said all that, I realise that it's hard to get a break regardless of how good you are, and even if I never win a wider audience - well I can't imagine a time I will stop producing songs, even if they become few and far between.

But thanks so much for your reality check!
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Modestmouse1965/ on August 25, 2019, 11:33:42 PM
Listened to this a few times and love how different it is to anything i have heard. I get where wicked Deeds is coming from with the Jarvis Cocker reference (A great compliment) from him. Keep on going my friend, A hit from me.

https://soundcloud.com/user-335183051
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Darren1664 on September 07, 2019, 04:33:37 PM
This is a beautiful song musically and lyrically and very touching too, I'm always impressed when a song can stir feelings in me and this did just that! Great work
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: MichaelA on September 09, 2019, 03:43:44 PM
Just to say thanks to @Modestmouse1965/ (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22459) and @Darren1664 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20970) for these encouraging words.

BTW I've noticed people using their birth year in user names a lot. Well there's quite an age difference between the two of you. I couldn't help noticing!  ;)
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: pompeyjazz on September 09, 2019, 04:36:41 PM
Kronenbourg?
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Modestmouse1965/ on September 09, 2019, 08:44:36 PM
Ha Ha sometimes i feel as old as Darren's number.
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Wicked Deeds on September 12, 2019, 01:54:12 PM
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274),

Brilliant, individual style of writing. Engaging lyrics and beautifully emotional!

So very, very beautiful!

Paul
Title: Re: 24 Hour Emotional Breakdown Service
Post by: Jamie on September 18, 2019, 02:25:55 PM
Hi ,great melody, not a lyric that would normally appeal to me but i can see its very clever and beautifully delivered. Excellent song!
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie