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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: CaliaMoko on June 20, 2019, 11:18:20 PM
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UPDATE NOTE: NEWEST VERSION, accompaniment compliments of @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) is now posted, with updated lyrics, at
I wrote this in response to a radio challenge, topic: "summer heat". Maybe I should name the song something else, but I just went with the challenge topic. So far.
Here's the song: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/summer-heat/s-5SCUQ
The lyric and melody are finished (unless I change them ;)), so I'm posting here. Obviously, the production is non-existent, since that is not on my current list of skills.
I'm looking for feedback on (1) the "shape" of the intro and outro. Do they work? And (2) should I change the name? Like, maybe to "Sissie Ain't a Bad Girl"? And (3) the lyric: is there enough to it? Does it get the (any) point across? My motivation is to draw a little attention to cultural tendencies to be a bit male dominated. And the protagonist of the song really hasn't figured out how to handle that yet.
Lyric:
Summer Heat
Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s just suff’rin’ from the Summer Heat
Summer Heat!
Summer Heat!
Sissy always plays a lot
And she will show off what she’s got
Especially in the Summer Heat
Bikini body on the beach
You'll see her teasing out of reach
Especially in the Summer Heat.
Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s survivin’ in a man’s world
Using just the tools she knows
Her hair, her shoes, her skimpy clothes
Sissy always plays a lot
And she will show off what she’s got
Especially in the Summer Heat
Bikini body on the beach
You'll see her teasing out of reach
Especially in the Summer Heat.
Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s just suff’rin’ from the Summer Heat
Summer Heat!
Summer Heat!
Copyright 2019 Vicki Morrison Goble
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Yo @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
Good to see you having the time to make music again,Vicki. 8)
You ask for feedback on the intro and outro. They both work well enough in context for me. The only thing which jars with me was the 'pulled out of pitch D chord' at 28 seconds in.
Th lyrics are on point for all you mad feminists! ;) :D
You've been very clever and subtle,so the message is dressed up in what could be a power pop kind of thing and doesn't come across as lecturing.
Changing the title to 'Sissy ain't a bad girl' would work for me,but I ain't no expert! ;D
A good,hooky and solid song.
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@Skub ... yeah....that's supposed to be a Bm, one of the banes of my existence. I need to drill my chord changes. Seriously. And thank you for the complimentary remarks!
And I know I should wait for several comments before answering, but I had to answer this one to, um, clear up? the Bm confusion... I really need to drill my chord changes.
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I like this! I think you are very good at varying the way the rhythm of your words fall across the music... not sure what the technical term for this is, but I mean the way you have some looong drawn out words and other sections where the lyrics are quite staccato. Nice chords too (I didn’t notice any mischords). Lyrically it felt like a riposte to the me-too movement... I quite liked the ambiguity of that. Clever words.
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Hey @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928)
To answer your questions - intro and outro work for me.. lyric also works for me - it's simple and straightforward and that suits the theme I think and as the mother of daughters just getting to that age where they're finding their way, it resonates..
I would call it "Sissy ain't a bad girl" if it were my song.. Although I couldn't sing "ain't" to save myself... but you can, so... :)
Lovely quirky number..
K
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I like it good lyrics / I like it because it’s not too polished and it works for me - can imagine it being played on the beach x
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Fine piece of work, good lyrics... particularly liked them...in and out worked ok for me too... :)
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Nice song
I don't think it needs much more than what you have there on production
All the best
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@PaulyX ... Thanks! I especially like that you noticed the rhythmic elements. That's something I often notice in other songs but have a hard time emulating in my own way. And you're too kind about the guitar. I've been practicing my chord changes for a couple days or so, but I suppose it'll take weeks or months. So my friend is going to come over and play the guitar part for me on Sunday.
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) ... Yes, I think I will change the name. For one thing, the challenge I'm writing this for is called "Summer Heat", so I'd like to avoid that as an actual title, just in case other people use it. Don't want too many songs called "Summer Heat".
And about "ain't". I'm one who's quick to opine one shouldn't use such words unless they are essential to the feel/mood/whatever of the song. So I didn't think I would use it here...but, you know, "Sissy's not" sounds like "Sissy snot"! :( I tried to get rid of the "snot", but I couldn't. At least not to my ears. So "ain't" she is. :P :( PS: I do welcome suggestions for alternatives....
@Girlinside (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22372) ... Thank you for the nice words, especially about the lyrics.
@shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) ... Thanks, I'm really glad you like the lyrics. And I'm getting the impression the in and out are both working for everyone. :)
@Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) ... Thanks so much. I hope to add a little percussion. I wouldn't mind getting some harmonies in there, as well, but I have my doubts that will happen.
And thanks to everyone for listening. It felt really good actually to get something even this much done. It's been a while.
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Hi Vicki
I think this is definitely enough of a lyric to get the message across. Anything more and it might seem like overkill I reckon. I like 'Summer Heat' as a title in a general way - snappy - but also think 'Sissie ain't a bad girl' works well too for this song...so maybe go with that just to give it a more personal touch.
I think the intro is good but I wouldn't repeat 'summer heat' just say it once and then get into the song proper.
It's quite short...you might get away with repeating
'Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s survivin’ in a man’s world
Using just the tools she knows
Her hair, her shoes, her skimpy clothes'
again, after the 'bikini body' verse.
Another thought would be a stab chord stop on maybe the third 'summer heat' of the outro instead of the long fade-out.....
And this is definitely an 'ain't' song. In fact now I'm sure that 'Sissy Ain't A Bad Girl' has got to be the title..
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And about "ain't". I'm one who's quick to opine one shouldn't use such words unless they are essential to the feel/mood/whatever of the song. So I didn't think I would use it here...but, you know, "Sissy's not" sounds like "Sissy snot"! :( I tried to get rid of the "snot", but I couldn't. At least not to my ears. So "ain't" she is. :P :( PS: I do welcome suggestions for alternatives....
Hey @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - I'm with @Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - this is an "ain't" song... I just can't sing 'ain't' - I think it would sound a bit crappy with my Irish accent... it works here...
K
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Enjoyed this a lot. I'm a big fan of stripped back acoustic tunes working on a few at the moment. Nice chord progression too :-)
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@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - Thanks so much for all the detailed feedback. I was feeling a little iffy about the repeated "summer heat", so I do think I'll take the second one out.
I've been struggling with what to do about it being so short. I tried coming up with another verse or bridge or something to clarify a little more about Sissy, but it isn't working at all. If I repeat the "Sissy ain't a bad girl" bit, it feels like it needs a verse again afterwards, but then a verse would be repeated three times. Not that such a thing has never been done.... I did wonder about having an instrumental break somewhere? Someone else would have to do that, though.
And I have decided the title will be "Sissy Ain't a Bad Girl". :)
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) - Hmmm, I'd like to hear it, just to see.... ;)
@Muso1070 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18999) - Thank you for your kind words. I always struggle with chord progressions. I like them to be...not so common. I frequently get myself stuck in dated I-IV-V7 and I-vi (or ii)-IV-V7 patterns. Showing my age. So I try to come up with something different, although they often end up similar anyway.
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It's got a real groove, nice one
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Love this, has a very 60's vibe to it. To answer your questions:
1) Yes, they work just fine
2) I'd vote for "Sissie Ain't a Bad Girl"
3) Lyrics are just fine
Think the length is fine, in a way the vibe calls for a short song I think.
With a good production (can you hear those jangly Rickenbackers calling? ;)) this would be stellar. And the organ has to stay of course!
Well done!
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) Thanks! I appreciate the confirmations!
And for everyone who wonders what he's talking about when he says ...the organ has to stay...
Viscount Cramer kindly built me a demo version and mixed in my vocal, so I replaced the existing SoundCloud version with his.
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And now I've replaced it again with a simple 1+1 demo. Again. Although I think I might have done a slightly better job on the Bm chords than last time. ???
Anyway, based on all the feedback (plus some more from some people I know), I've done a bit of editing and adding to the song. The link is still the same and the updated lyrics are on the SoundCloud page (and below, in case you like to see them here).
I have one remaining question. No, wait! Two questions. (1) How’s the tempo? (2) This is kind of a three parter. At about 0:43, 1:18, and 1:58 there’s a pause of one measure before the “Sissy ain’t a bad girl” line. Does that work, or should I take it out? Does it depend on the production?
SISSY AIN’T A BAD GIRL
INTRO
Sissy ain’t a bad girl;
She’s just suff’rin’ from the summer heat! Summer heat!
VERSE
Sissy always plays a lot, and she will show you what she’s got
Especially in the summer heat
Bikini body on the beach; you’ll see her teasing out of reach
Especially in the summer heat.
CHORUS 1
Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s survivin’ in a man’s world
Using just the tools she knows
Her hair, her shoes, her skimpy clothes
VERSE
Sissy’s learning what to do on the beach as well as school
Another kind of summer heat
Teachers, students, even Dad, indoctrinate what’s good and bad
And put the blame on summer heat
CHORUS 2
Sissy ain’t a bad girl.
She’s learning it’s a man’s world
And in her dorm room late at night
If anyone could hear her cry
They’d hear her asking, “Who am I?”
INSTRUMENTAL BREAK (yeah, I know it's just me da da da-ing)
CHORUS 1
Sissy ain’t a bad girl
She’s survivin’ in a man’s world
Using just the tools she knows
Her hair, her shoes, her skimpy clothes
VERSE
Sissy always plays a lot, and she will show you what she’s got
Especially in the summer heat
Bikini body on the beach; you’ll see her teasing out of reach
Especially in the summer heat.
Especially in the summer heat.
Especially in the summer heat.
[Copyright 2019 Vicki Morrison Goble]
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Vicky,
I could do you a backing track if you pm with the bpm etc.
:-)
Neil
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Hi Vicky,
great song, strong melody and well sung.
Keith
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I have an update on this one. I wanted a gritty (or at least grittier than my 1+1) version, and Neil volunteered to help me out with that. So I know have an updated version of this. Plus the name has changed to "Sissy Ain't a Bad Girl". Here's the new version: . I kept the old version, too, and I'll add this link to the original post for anyone who wants to compare.
Thanks to everyone who listened and the feedback, which all helps me think. :D
And, thanks, Keith, @diademgrove (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19135) for the complimentary words!
Vicki
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Hi Vicky @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - Very pleasant tune, everything lilts along nicely, superb melody line, hooky as hell.
My only suggestion is to stick 2 more vocal tracks over the chorus, 1 the same as the Lead Vocal and the other a simple harmony, both off centre, might add some contrast to the song...
Nice to hear you plying again, after such dark times Vicky.
Hope it helps
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Lyrically you are fantastic, Vicki! :) You have a good folky/country voice with a nice tone to it. The lyrics give me good country-vibe, and the production is well done.
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Thanks @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) : I do want to add some harmony to this. I hadn't worked out how to do that yet. On my list.
I appreciate the lovely compliment, @Younger Hills (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101) ! Thanks!