The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Andreas on April 15, 2019, 08:23:52 PM
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I put this song in the lyrics section a few days ago. I wrote this mainly on my guitar, but mostly without instruments, so I sat down today with my piano and tried to form a melody and this is what I came up with. I wanted the melody to reflect on my emotions through each section of the song. This is not a typical "me" song, but whenever I write sad, personal songs I usually end up with recording them with piano.
This is the most personal song I have ever written, that is about me. It is a reflection on my past and on how fast mental illness can appear. I hope my music and this song, in particular, can help to put light on mental health. Anyways, I hope you like it! :)
Lyrics:
You tell me that it’s alright
You know shit about my fight
Every day I put on a smile on my face
But everyone knows its fake
What difference does it make
If I’m happy or I just pretend
It’s a choice that I take
We’re all going to die in the end
I’ve been pulling away from you
I just had a lot to go through
There’s so much I should have told you
Is it too late for me now
If sobriety was the right call
Why I’m I the only one to fall
I would have given you all my love
Can you please forgive me
Maybe I wish my anxiety would stay
It was all I ever had that eased the pain
Sometimes I wish, I gave up on life
Closed my eyes for a minute and said my goodbyes
That’s not me
That’s not me
That’s not me
Living life on pills with anxiety
That’s not me
That’s not me
I’ve given up life with anxiety
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This is a beautiful song. It´s hard to lay your soul bare on record but I think it gets the best out of us songwriters. This has some beautiful melodies to accompany the personal lyrics and it moves along really nicely. My only constructive point is that you don´t need those drums at all. Apart from that it´s great. Well done.
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Thanks a lot, @MartynRich (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20533)! Those drums were added kinda very spontaneously, just to have a good intro to the post-chorus. I will most likely do the vocals over again when my voice gets back to normal, cause I wasn't quite happy with the post-chorus part.
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I wasn´t going to mention your accent as I know you´re not a native English speaker, but you don´t have to roll your "r"s so much :)
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I will keep that in mind, thanks :) Think it is just a bad habit I have, cause I tend to do it with Norwegian as well
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Nice stripped back, delicate track. You have some lovely vibrato in your voice at times in this. I also like the evolution of the piano rhythm, thought the drums worked OK in it. Your voice seems panned hard to the left in my headphones (maybe they are broken? but if it was intentional, an interesting effect but I'd like to hear them dead centre for this kind of track as they are the main focus). The ending is sweet and fragile - a great way to conclude it. Bravo.
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This is a lovely heartfelt song with a fabulous melody. Your emotion shines through. I would look at getting the vocals in the centre and doubling up the piano and panning that left and right at about ten to and ten past, maybe have one piano an octave lower to get a fuller sound. Anyway, just suggestions. It's a fab song. Oh btw, I tend to agree with Martyn about losing the drums :)
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A good heartfelt ballad.
I love piano ballads.
Raw and stripped back with some uplifting sections.
An enjoyable listen.
Sandeep
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@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) and @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) thanks a lot for your feedback. I am almost certain the vocals were centered in logic pro before I transferred it to Itunes, so what happened there I don't know, but yeah you're right, tried it with headphones on now and it is very centered to the left while the music is to the right. Will check that out!
Wasn't quite sure about the piano part cause i'm not a natural piano player, and this was basically what I can do :p And I change up the melody for each part. I am gonna play around a little with this song, and see what I can do to make it all better :)
The drums, was basically just to get a good transition from the slow chorus part to the more upbeat post-chorus, but I agree that they don't fit quite into the package of the song.
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Maybe a bit more dramatic piano or a touch of bass to replace the drums?
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Since i'm just using 4 chords through the song, I can try switching it up a little with a more dramatic transition to replace the moment the drums kicks in. Also, my old roommate is a bass player, so I can check in with him and see if he can do some magic :)
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WOW! that was really touching and so beautiful. It's very difficult to put such vulnerable aspects of your life out there in a song, but you managed to pull it off in a very delicate and lovely manor :-* You have a beautiful voice and the piano suited this song perfectly :)
Lovely arrangement as well. thanks for sharing :)
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Thank you so much @crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) :) That's what I love about music, that I can say things I usually don't say! :)
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Thank you so much @crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) :) That's what I love about music, that I can say things I usually don't say! :)
I know what you mean. Music is my therapist. I have written a lot of songs for therapeutic purposes.
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Brave and touching stuff. Your voice is particularly nice too. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work :)
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So... first the negative. Get rid of the drums.
Now the positive...
"Maybe I wish my anxiety would stay
It was all I ever had that eased the pain
Sometimes I wish, I gave up on life
Closed my eyes for a minute and said my goodbyes"
This was heartbreaking. So good.
Change this line though
"Every day I put on a smile on my face"
Just drop the first 'on'
"Every day I put a smile on my face"
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Thanks :) I hear most say "drums out", so I'll guess that will happen when I sit down with the song again! I see that it was an "on" too much in that line.
Yeah, that chorus was probably the easiest to write but hardest to sing, and it was those lines that connected the whole song for me. Originally I started writing most of the verse in the rap genre, but then that part changed everything, and I ended up playing it as a slow down piano ballad.
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Hey man done a great job here really like it, vocals sometimes sound to low under the piano tone if you know what i mean and i think sometimes with songs like this vocals need to be in control heard above the melody but just in certain parts but hey, really really nice man great song 8)
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Thank you so much @Dogmax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22307) :) Will upgrade to a pro membership on SoundCloud when its payday, and then I will sit down with the song and go through all the tips I have got from the amazing community here (So I don't have to upload a new file, but just replace this one) :)