The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: dinnerwithgreedo on April 10, 2019, 12:42:27 PM
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Hey guys... I've been busy on this old tune of mine, giving it the 2019 polish. There's two versions, long and short (album and single).
You can find the short version at my SoundCloud
Anyways... i hope you like it
Lyrics
Over worked
Under paid
I cannot take another day without you by my side
I need you
Outta luck
Outta time
I cannot find another mind like mine
and I need someone like you
And I need you to know
My heart is on the low low low
And I need you to see that you and me will be
Been hung up
out to dry
but I can't find a reason why I'm alone in my life
I need you
And I need you to know
My heart is on the low low low
And I need you to see that you and me will be
Gone are the days when I would smile
wish I could get away for a while
but what is this thing
you're doing to me
my heart is beating
I cannot breath
Tell me you feel it
and we'll be
And I need you to know
My heart is on the low low low
And I need you to see that you and me will be
And I need you to see that you and me will be
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To me it sounds commercial, unusual and refreshing at the same time.
It sounds quite effortless, in a good way.
I liked the verses in particular.
And the solo.
Well done.
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Lovely poppy sound to this. Transitions in the verses are interesting - very appealing indeed. I too agree the verses are very strong. Good chorus too.. very well sung and played. Great track (not sure I’d call just sub 4 mins short though :-)!!).
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This is really catchy DWG. Got a bit of an Edwin Collins feel at the start. Nice when the heavy guitars kick in. Great structure and arrangement. Would have liked to have heard the vocals a bit more up front as you have a great voice. Really enjoyed the listen
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Like MonnoDB, I really like the chord progressions. Plus some delicious reaching up to falsettos with the main vox in the choruses - those bits (and your voice in general) reminded me of The Bluestones (which is a very good thing). I also really like the instrumental section from around 4:20 with those ascending guitar lines. Also nice editing of the Bowie "Low" sleeve for the track artwork!
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Good pop song with its melodic verse and chorus bolstered by that neat guitar riff.
Decent vocal performance too, confident yet somehow slightly vulnerable sounding.
I thought the mid part guitar solo was a little predictable though, but much preferred the riffing in the chorus and repetitive riff play-out. Cool!
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Thank you all so much for your feedback.
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) You win 1000 brownie points for identifying the cover origin!!
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Hi!
Good and interesting vocal melodies and great outro. I feel that the chorus has potential to lift more with vocals more up front or just a little louder and maybe doubled all the way or at some phrases. A little more "life" in the drums, now its a little too close to the verse. But that's just my taste =)
Sweet singing!
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In agreement with all the comments here, the verses are great and the structure and arrangement are gorgeous to listen to. I think the chorus could be more stand out but not sure how. It´s all delivered really confidently though and that makes a big difference and I like the riffing outro a lot. Question - did you nick part of the baseline from Midnight Oil? No shame in that of course, we all steal from time to time, even I stole the baseline from the theme to Wonder Woman once :)
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@MartynRich (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20533) I only know one Midnight Oil song (Beds are Burning) and it's not from that.
I wanted to write a bass line like Paul McCartney would, have it dancing all over the place. I realised quite quickly it sounded similar to something else.... then just thought 'fuck it... it's different enough'. The song I think it sounds like is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x1RcVrGjGM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x1RcVrGjGM)
Thank for the comment!! :D
UPDATE: Oh my God! You're right! The bit where i sing 'will be', the bass line that follows sounds like 'Beds Are Burning'! Ha...... totally unintentional.
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Hi,
I thought the first part of the song was really strong. Great melody and words. The instrumental outro took me to another world completely and I'm not sure it works. It didn't for me, sorry. Feel free to ignore me if you like it,
Keith
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Thanks @diademgrove (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19135)
The version you listened to was the 'album' version (there is no album). The single edit doesn't have the outro and also removes the 'gone are the days' bit. You might prefer it.
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I enjoy listening to this song. You have a nice melody for the song, and your voice is clinging very well throughout the song. The guitar solo is nice and melodic and fits good for the rest of the song, and I like the key you were playing it in also. :) Good that you have options with one long and one short version :p I personally listened to the long version 2 times now :p Nice job!
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This is nice work, good singing and good instrumentation, not sure the song needed the instrumental bit that started around 4.10...it's good but sounds like it's from another song :)
best, Kevin :)
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Hi,
I absolutely loved your last track "What Butterflies Do" and this is another cracker. You have hit a rich vein of form here. This reminds me of something The Beatles would have come up with around 1968 (George on vocals) - songwriting, arrangement and performance out of the very top drawer. The melody is absolutely outstanding as is your singing. Seriously, this is off the scale - is it me or is this just the best song on here so far this year?
M
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Hi
Cool song; love the different elements in it - and so very well produced.
Vocal carries the song really well.
I like the extended, album version.
Might have perhaps added some weird guitar over the outro rhythm - make it a bit more trippy maybe.
But, great stuff nevertheless.
Digger
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Thank you @digger72 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=9823) I like compliments on the production coz I haven't got a clue what i'm doing!!
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) Wow.... thank you so much. Such a great compliment. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You're the second person to say it sounds like something George Harrison would do. I'm a big fan of his... but i still don't hear it :D
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Hi DWG
Great song lovely melody.
Love the bass and great guitars, especially the solo part.
Love the lyrics, just wanted to join in at Low Low Low parts
Like the heavy ending.
Enjoyable listen.
Sandeep
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Really enjoyable listen, got a nice flow about it with a few surprises.
Agree with shadowbox that the instrumental bit is a bit randomly unrelated like it came from another song, good riff on it tho!
Nice vocals that need too come up a bit in the mix, falsetto sound good, your should really let us hear it a bit easier.
Super stuff :)
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Beautiful song, it felt like if you expressed my deepest feelings (it happens only with few songs, which I listen regularly afterwards). Vocals are excellent too, the best thing about them is humbleness in your voice. Melody surprises are working very well, the only issue for me is instrumental ending but short version solves this.
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I agree with the poster who said it started off strongly and then the solo took them out of the song. It seems to be going for a long,drawn out `trippy` vibe but that goes against the lyrcs which are being incredily positive about love imo. There`s a short,snappy power-pop song a la Nick Lowe (get it?) in his late 70`s,early 80`s pop phase or even American 80s college rock takes on `doing a Beatles` style song (Big Star/Dwight Twilley even REM--keep the solo but just shorten it,it can be like What the Frequency,Kenneth`s `almost `reprise` rather than a solo). I didn`t make the long version,and the short one is just under 4 minutes. It should be a 3 minute or so tight disposeable power-pop song--and they`re the toughest to do. Then it`ll just be about the chorus and not the `vibe`.
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Ah shades of Jethro Tull here - I really liked this.
Nice chord progressions and twists and turns in the melody lines. Solid vocals.
Seemed to get repetitive at the end - think I'd fade it sooner - but great writing and performances on display here.
Paul