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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: rightly on March 16, 2019, 02:42:22 PM

Title: good morning, this morning
Post by: rightly on March 16, 2019, 02:42:22 PM

I intentionally put this one together to get over a break up.
So please excuse the bitterness.
It's a bit unnerving to exhibit myself this way, I suppose it's what some might call a personal what y' call it, thing.

Feedback most welcome

The link:

https://soundcloud.com/rightly/good-morning-this-morning

The lyrics:

Good Morning This Morning


good morning, this morning
with your hair pressed into your back
your sleepy eyes do kill me with
a blood stained heart attack
could have saw it coming‚
I chose to look the other way
never one for running from
the drama of delay

good morning, this morning

you say wrong, I do right on some
pointless rising curve
incapable of flight yet there‘s no
 finer feathered bird
n‘ I‘ll persuade on all fours
then decline your bold request
it‘s really far too early, ‘got no love
for puppy breath

good morning, this morning
move on, my regards to your sponsor
if he still wants you, move on

open window yawning
there, behind your lovely face
where a gentle snow is falling
as fine as wedding lace
fuss n‘ fight through the night
n‘ we‘re torn apart all day
neither of us winning, let this
be our last embrace

good morning, this morning
move on, take it with you, my love song,
it‘s not a bad one, move on

we could be imaginary friends…
good morning, this morning

___________________________

rightly

___________________________

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: pompeyjazz on March 16, 2019, 09:44:03 PM

Ever since you started to get into Cubebase @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) I've looked forward to your extesentioal journeys into alternative dimensions. I love your acoustic and vocal stuff as well but having the DAW tools now and using them in ways that other folks might not think of is a huge slice of genius. I would go for some more cosmic layers on this one, it deserves it. Hugely accomplished lyrics as usual. Loved the puppy breath line. Incredible, individual and authentic  8)

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: PaulyX on March 17, 2019, 09:26:32 AM

This has a great soundscape... I love the choices of sound you've made, especially the opening section where it sounds like piano strings being scraped. The woozy melody of the vocals is elusive yet somehow catchy at the same time when it reaches the chorus. I was a bit caught out by the sudden ending - apart from that, loved it.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: shadowfax on March 17, 2019, 05:27:54 PM

Agree 100% with Pomp's post..very interesting production and as usual off the charts lyrics, I do struggle somewhat with your delivery but, hey..what do I know... ???

best, Kevin :)

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: PaulAds on March 18, 2019, 01:05:16 PM

Lyrics are absolutely brilliant...you are in a league of your own there.

I can't even begin to review something like this...i can only say how fascinated I was once again...

Very cool indeed.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: Skub on March 18, 2019, 02:14:20 PM

Yo Rightly.

The lyrics roll effortlessly and I daresay their clever construction allows individual listeners their own personalised interpretation. Vivid imagery,concise yet oblique.

Loving what you are doing with the new tools,a whole new palette for your creativity.  8)

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: rightly on March 19, 2019, 12:48:01 PM

Quote from: pompeyjazz on March 16, 2019, 09:44:03 PM

Ever since you started to get into Cubebase @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) I've looked forward to your extesentioal journeys into alternative dimensions. I love your acoustic and vocal stuff as well but having the DAW tools now and using them in ways that other folks might not think of is a huge slice of genius. I would go for some more cosmic layers on this one, it deserves it. Hugely accomplished lyrics as usual. Loved the puppy breath line. Incredible, individual and authentic  8)

Thanks Pompey for the high praise. 

This was quite an easy write I had little else in my mind at the time.
I saw the end of the relationship coming, the grief was predictable. 
I was supported by my friendly workplace at the time and recovered fast enough. I'm happy to get at least a song out of it. 
Yes, my guitar stuff was quite intense, I'm a strange rhythm guitarist.
 It was really hard, and for the most part thankless work to stay fit with it for performances.
My daw efforts seem more palatable and there's a wide range of possibilities to examine, at least this way I can keep No. 1 happy this way.

All the best. R.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: MartynRich on March 19, 2019, 12:54:58 PM

"The drama of delay"...I´m sure everyone can relate to that one. Just one line in a endless poetry of emotion. It´s a great song told in a storytelling style with an inventive soundscape that makes me feel inspired to do more of this kind of thing...Your creativity makes me feel as mainstream as Jason Donovan. Everyone has a lot to learn from your good self. Another song added to my soundcloud playlist.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: montydog on March 19, 2019, 03:44:33 PM

Great musical palette - your use of the DAW is imaginative and inventive. You seem to be creating a heck of a lot of material recently and I think this one of your best with some lyrical touches which are excellent. I'm still getting used to your singing style which is rather unusual if you don't mind me saying. Plenty to like here.

M

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: Sonny And The Dark on March 20, 2019, 09:01:46 AM

Really like the production on the background music! Has a very warm electronic soundscape vibe with a hint of advante-garde on the intro. It is sung very nicely in a way that contrasts with song subject which I find really interesting, if I just heard the chorus I would think I was listening to happy song! I think that really helps the overall balance. Awesome stuff!

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: nooms on March 20, 2019, 04:00:32 PM

brilliant words.. 
surprise round every turn.. every line stands out..
 brought to life by yiur vocal & phrasing
'incapable of flight yet there‘s no
 finer feathered bird..'  just knocked me out

i did find the backing a little distracting in places whilst the lyrics were picking my pockets !
great song mate your an artist

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: MichaelA on March 21, 2019, 09:49:18 AM

Super arrangement @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219), very atmospheric and unpredictable as you carve out a unique style of your own. Nice depth to those lyrics too, full of bile and contrast and irony.

Good work man!

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: Neil C on March 22, 2019, 05:00:06 PM

Enjoying the woozy track with the falling drums, piano and stuff, all works well with your vocals and lyrics.
cool 
:-)
neil

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: rightly on March 24, 2019, 11:44:32 AM

Quote from: montydog on March 19, 2019, 03:44:33 PM

Great musical palette - your use of the DAW is imaginative and inventive. You seem to be creating a heck of a lot of material recently and I think this one of your best with some lyrical touches which are excellent. I'm still getting used to your singing style which is rather unusual if you don't mind me saying. Plenty to like here.

M

Glad you like the song montydog.
Some of my recent songs aren't really that recent.
Originally I wrote this song on guitar about two n a half years ago.
Other songs, Mark of Cain, for example, I wrote maybe seven years ago ( the music for it was terrible in the original).
In the last six months, there's been so much non spectacular but time stealing drama, I've only written one , two n a half minute song, a real struggle to write, mostly finished now. The final stages of production are tiring for me.

I don't like inactive phases however natural they're said to be. 

I don't mind your comment on the singing. I do n have to pay attention to hitting those notes,
I pay attention to phrasing.  I'd never strive for any usual sound, I'd never try to sound authentic.
If the take sounds inauthentic, or forced, I'm quick to delete it.   

The best to you! 

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: adamfarr on March 24, 2019, 06:29:19 PM

Very bleak and gut wrenching atmosphere - I think the piano makes that. Love the wedding lace line, though the entire lyric is evocatively composed. It took a few listens to get into the melody as there’s a lot going on and as you say you are quite un compromising on the phrasing, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It relays the listens with its lurking melody too.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: rightly on March 27, 2019, 10:54:37 AM

Quote from: adamfarr on March 24, 2019, 06:29:19 PM

Very bleak and gut wrenching atmosphere - I think the piano makes that. Love the wedding lace line, though the entire lyric is evocatively composed. It took a few listens to get into the melody as there’s a lot going on and as you say you are quite un compromising on the phrasing, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It relays the listens with its lurking melody too.

Thanks Adam!

Really glad you liked the song.
I still think the vocal is mixed too much up front, the music too quiet.
A friend mixed it this way (he's got no enduring love for vsts), I only mixed the music.

I do like this song. With it having personal content I'm a tad reluctant to push it.
Yet here we are. Lol.
It's memorable to me, I'm happy to have got it off my chest.
In retrospect it provided less closure than I was hoping for. Writing it was more therapeutic.

All the best! 

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: Movin Flavour on April 01, 2019, 09:18:23 PM

Hi Rightly,

As someone commented this is a very you song,with the production and delivery.

A usual the lyrics are so clever and delivered so well, you know how to tell a story and it's beautifully told.

I think think the song can be transposed into different genres, even a a duet, I confess I found myself singing along to it..... Maybe a female to give the perspective from the other side.

So many possibilities and things to like here.


Sandeep

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: rightly on April 02, 2019, 03:00:33 PM

Thanks for commenting @Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528)

I remember after the break up, I woke up alone feeling so lonely I had to talk to myself.
I only got as far as, "good morning this morning"
Then I thought it could be quite a catchy refrain
Then played with the chord progression: c. G. F. C. And with my voice tried to imitate a muted French horn. Late for work, I walked in, the supervisor n people looked at me and I repeated this refrain by way excusing myself.
A colleague thought it funny and would greet me this way for the next ten days.

The rest came quite easily. I had a mind to recycle the feelings of loss n bitterness.

Hey if you want I could send you the track without vocals and you could put your own to it.  Just an idea.

Title: Re: good morning, this morning
Post by: crystalsuzy on April 07, 2019, 12:58:50 AM

I really got into this song, especially after a few listens :) you have such a unique sound and I'd know it anywhere, which is a compliment  8)
The backing track is very atmospheric, but the vocals are so raw and in your face...a very cool contrast 8)
Your lyrics are very poetic and tell the story beautifully, as depressing as it is :( I'm happy to here you got over this quickly :)
A well deserved nomination for March's SOYM  :-*