The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: rightly on March 10, 2019, 09:59:09 AM
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I've been getting stuck with these lyrics.
I think I've got the music worked out now, just have to record it.
It's still in progress though and I'm hoping for a stroke genius to save it from mediocrity.
If someone can send me off n reeling with a murderous innovation I'd be appreciative.
envious time
fly, fly, envious time
until thy race is run out
leaden-stepped feet
will not compete
accept defeat
just for now
fortuitous surprise has unlocked my mind
fly, envious time
sleep, sleep, desperate need
smother me, safe from all harm
oblivious friend
will know me then
release me when
all is calm
if I die before I wake, pray the Lord, my soul to take
fly, envious time
and please don't leave me behind
envious time.
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with the music I intend to get a little playful but it shouldn't get lost.
It's a bit of a challenge for me.
Suggestions would be most welcome. :D
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Hey man im writing as im reading ' just for now' i feel that your key man
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Hey man im writing as im reading ' just for now' i feel that your key man
Thanks for the encouragement Dogmax.
This has been a struggle but I think I have something.
It'll be a slow and short song.
I'll get a demo sorted and then consider looking for a lady to sing it.
It'll be a nice addition to my coming album.
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This is the only thing I've written in almost a year.
I'll try to finish it with cubase.
This might be the time I wander off and concentrate on doing a few covers.
I feel defeated.
envious time
fly, fly, envious time
until thy race is run out
leaden-stepped feet will not compete
accept defeat just for now
fortuitous surprise has unlocked my mind
fly, envious time
fly, envious time
sleep, sleep, desperate need
smother me, safe from all harm
oblivious friend will know me then
release me when all is calm
if I die before I wake, pray the Lord, my soul to take
fly, envious time
and please don't leave me behind, envious time
I do only improve
with things t'which I am inclined
new moon, both eyes on you
surrender to any virtue of mine
a little worse for wear n' too far gone to care
fly, envious time
and please don't leave me behind, envious time
envious time
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It's not "too" short. "Too long" is a way more common problem than "too short." A talented musician can make any lyric stretch out for the 2 minutes/30 seconds needed to be "long enough." Musical bridges. . . repeat phrases. Lots of ways. See Steve Winwood's "Heaven is in your Mind." Not much lyric needed.
And I loved the lyric. Don't know how I missed seeing this before.
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I wish you didn't feel defeated. This is really high potential lyric.
Here are a few suggestions. Feel free to use, or not use them as you think is best.
envious time
fly, fly, envious time
until thy race is run out I don't think you need this. The near rhyme with "now" isn't necessary to my ear.
leaden-stepped feet will not compete
accept defeat just for now
fortuitous surprise has unlocksed my mind
fly, envious time
fly, envious time
sleep, sleep, desperate need
smother me, safe from all harm
oblivious friend will know me then
release me when all is calm
if I die before I wake, pray the Lord, my soul to take
fly, envious time
and please don't leave me behind, envious time
I do only improve
with things t'which I am inclined
new moon, both eyes on you
surrender to any virtue of mine
a little worse for wear
n' too far gone to care
fly, envious time
and please don't leave me behind, envious time
envious time
Notice no "additions". . . only subtractions. And it could be that your rhythm requires those syllables. I just felt it flowed better without them. But again, I don't know how you will sing this.
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It's not "too" short. "Too long" is a way more common problem than "too short." A talented musician can make any lyric stretch out for the 2 minutes/30 seconds needed to be "long enough." Musical bridges. . . repeat phrases. Lots of ways. See Steve Winwood's "Heaven is in your Mind." Not much lyric needed.
And I loved the lyric. Don't know how I missed seeing this before.
Thanks for the insightful response and for going to the trouble of making those suggestions.
I'm more at ease with these lyrics now. I'll have to see to it that the production makes up for any perceivable shortcomings but I've grown to like the song.