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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MichaelA on March 02, 2019, 12:59:28 PM
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Hi all, here is my latest, which has gone through three different lyrical treatments to get to this! I felt like binning it many times, but now glad I didn't as the lyric slog results finally won me over. So ...a tale of love and revenge from the old school - maybe a bit daft in parts, but that's the way I cook 'em. ;)
https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/i-won-the-lottery (https://soundcloud.com/michael-a-duffy/i-won-the-lottery)
Lyrics:
When you walked out of the door
Didn't want my love anymore
You called me a loser
A complete waste of space
Though I was left on the floor
Not for long was I feeling sore
You’re less than attractive
With egg on your face
Cos I won the lottery
I'm buying a yacht for me
And you can go rot baby
I'm feeling mean
Cos I won the lottery
And you my dearest sweetest
Won't see a bean
What a shame
When you left me for Hippy Lee
Took my TV and my old settee
And all that you left
Was a sad Adele CD
But I won't find someone like you
I'd be mad if I wanted to
I want nothing but the worst for you
Bit childish, though true
Rpt Chorus
On my tropical island
All sun, sea and white sand
I think of your misery
In your bedsit with Hippy Lee
Oh I won the lottery
So kind that you picked for me
The numbers that came up for me
I'm living the dream
Oh I won the lottery
Across the sea I can hear you scream
What a shame
Rpt Chorus
What a shame
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What a great idea for a song @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) Absolutely loved the irony of it all. I love the way that you can conjure up a story and then construct a song around it. I've got pictures in my head similar to reading a great story. Loved the tropical island interlude and phone call. Mix wise, the only thing was the piano riff that was maybe a little loud but hey, that's small beer on what is another excellent track
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Love the topic and teh lyrics "all that you left was a sad Adele Cd" - love it!
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Thanks for that @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269), I have tempered that piano track now. Funny how when you're mixing for ages you just get deaf to what's really happening! ;D Thanks for the other encouraging comments too!
Also thanks for stopping by @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) , and glad you like those lyrics! ;)
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Yeah...another great idea for a song :-)
There is a guy I used to work with who got divorced a few months before his (ex) wife hit the jackpot...he always had a face like a smacked arse, anyway...but I doubt that episode helped his state of mind much.
Great lyrics and I like that piano riff too!
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Lots to like here Michael. Cleaver lyrics and catchy melody.
Great listen thanks
:-)
Neil
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Nice Tune Mate!!
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Your lyrics remind me a little of Chas N´Dave :):):)
Very nice song...love the message as well. I´d do exactly the same I´m sure. The piano riff holds it all together very well. I also like the middle 8 with the harmonies, they make a nice change. Great track!
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Very nice - it’s long, but due to the story telling doesn’t seem to be at all. The organ works very well.
The Adele section is inspired. Back in the day it would have been Phil Collins I suppose! If only karma could be relied on to do the right thing. In my world, she and Lee would be bound to win the lottery...
Look forward to Part 2, I lost the lottery (when my ex sued me)...
Cool and creative stuff.
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Hi,
Oh, the vitriol! Great idea for a song and some very clever lyrics and great rhymes with lottery. I can't say anything negative about the song although for me the musical setting is a little harsh - particularly the drums but that's just my taste.
Made me laugh out loud and so glad you persevered with it.
M
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Well you've done it again @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) ... Love the lyrical idea and some of those rhymes are inspired "Lottery / yacht for me" being my favourite..
Production and instrument choices great, use of sound effects (phone, screams) are great and confident.. Harmonies work really well. Most of all, I love the theme - it's original and suitably quirky!
Beautifully done!
K
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Thanks for all these comments guys, much appreciated!
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) , great story about your work friend and his lottery winning ex-missus! The world is cruel sometimes! :)
Thanks @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) , glad it made you happy! Same @macker71165 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20758), cheers.
Cheers @MartynRich (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20533) , don't say you would do the same thing or the God of the Lottery won't let you win!!! That's my theory anyway, but ...mmm, yeah, come to think of it, it would be hard for me too to want to share it with my ex, even though many years have now gone by since our split! ;)
Hi @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) , I like that idea for a sequel. If I ever made some money from this song (a first!) I am sure I would try to milk the idea for all it was worth! Ha! Could be a whole series of songs - or even a concept album - if that's what it took to make a shameless buck! ;)
Hey @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) , thanks for appreciating the lyrical theme even though the music wasn't your exact cup of tea! Really pleased to hear you say it made you laugh!
Hello Karen, @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) , glad you liked it, especially as you heard the first version of the lyrics, which were entirely different! I wasn't sure you would appreciate the scream, based on some previous comments you've made when I have gone OTT. Maybe you are finally getting used to me! ;D Poor thing! ...but thanks for this encouragement.
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Lol. Absolutely delightful.
A common enough tragedy with an incredible happy ending.
Wow. :D
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Yo Michael.
The sweetness of the best served cold dish! :D
A brilliant idea for a song and superbly implemented.
A neat slide into the bridge section.
Top marks for rhyming lottery with yacht for me.
Clever song. 8)
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Thanks there @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) and @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061), glad you both enjoyed the joyous story. Very cathartic it was for me, although sadly I have not yet won the lottery! I will do though! Soon! ;)
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I really enjoyed it for the same reasons as everyone else. However, my dour mind would have created a twist at the end which made it clear that it was really just a day-dream.
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That's fun... a modern urban tale... made me think of early Pulp. Liked the tropical island section especially and the mentions of Hippie Lee... a nice specific.
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A great listen
Some excellent lyrics and the sentiments.
Like the sound affects and productions.
Sandeep
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Thanks for these last bunch of comments guys! It has done well for a song that is really just another bit of fun.
Cheers @Bankie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21332) , I like your thinking, but I am guessing you are slightly pessimistic in nature if you think the story should conclude as a dream. I prefer to let the guy win and keep his happy ending! ;D
Hi @PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) , yes I do like Pulp and the Brit Pop era in general, so I cant help gravitating to that a bit in my recent creations. I don't suppose it is very 'on trend', but I couldn't be trendy if I tried tbh! ;)
Thanks also for stopping by @Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528) , nice encouragement!
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I really enjoyed this mate! I love the melody and chord progression in the chorus especially and the whole f@ck you attitude of the lyric! Great fun as always! Excellent stuff! Your voice really reminds me of Suede...yep...not to be confused with Sade!!🤣😄🎶👊🏻🎶
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Good song, the lyrics made me smile :) as mentioned by John the piano is too loud, I also think it should stop during the chorus,
the pad is a bit boomy and would benefit from a frequency dip around the 200Hz mark if you don't mind me saying.. :)
nice work my friend :) very original story :) 8)
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Echo the sentiments of the others. This is another fine song from you Michael. You have a knack for structure and melody. I also think the piano could do with a rethink. I do think it's the right backing instrument for this track. Maybe a few crashing chords in key places rather than running melodies.
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Hi @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) , yep you are right I have never been mistaken for Sade. But I don't think you could make much money out of her anymore, say if you were a Sade tribute act. I am hoping to be mistaken for Little Mix soon! ;D
Thanks for those production suggestions @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024). I am still on my self-taught elementary course on mixing matters! Cheers for the rest.
Hi @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769), thanks for those encouraging words. Yeah I will have to look at that piano though, as it has been picked up on by a few listeners now. Ta!
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It's a great song that embodies the purity of Suede and Pulp. I'd trim/adjust one or two of the lyrics slightly to improve the overall presentation and I'd give this a wonderful production but you have the essence right which is a unique sounding song!
Well done!
Paul
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I too, love the lyrical concept...some great lines and rhymes in there...made me laugh out loud ;D
You have a unique way of putting a song together, which is a compliment and I love it :-* You always come up with catchy melodies :)
If one of your songs came on the radio, I'd know it and your voice :) I'd say, "hey that's my virtual friend MichealA and he's on the radio!", and that's not so far fetched MA 8)
You've got some great songs and they deserve to be heard. I'd much rather be listening to them, than what's playing these days 8)
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Hey thanks @Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) , yeah one day I will be able to hire a top producer. Well that is my dream! ;) cheers for the encouragement!
Hi there @crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) , that was a great message you wrote, really cheered me up! If I do ever get well known, well when I tour Canada I will definitely hire you as the support act. But if you ever make it first, then I bags the support slot on your first UK tour! ;) thanks so much for your appreciation dearie! ;)