The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: rightly on February 07, 2019, 09:48:06 AM
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This one has been through a few twists n turns.
there were times i thought I'd never get it done.
I'm quite happy with it and I'll probably let it go now. Maybe.
again it's unusual from me
Feedback very welcome.
And advice too - can be really helpful.
The link:
https://soundcloud.com/rightly/the-mark-of-cain
the lyrics:
the mark of Cain
first man borne of earthly woman
wakeful n'fresh as the morning dew
the heavens fell he, was false as hell
o'er which he was meant to rise and rule
crouched was sin, waiting in desire for him
only one shade darker than quicksand
sunken in haste, so as to mask all trace
blood of Abel crying out from the land
rollin' n' rounded, runnin' in a cycle
of blood and of grain
never were we truly forgiven, only smitten with the
the mark of Cain
Angry n' vain
the mark of Cain
expelled from all the glory of Eden
sent forth n' far from the grace of God
flesh o' his brother, fruits of th' field
he built a city in the land of Nod
industry of lust, engines of sin
we begin wi' all fair favor spent
sound n' fury, live n' love thy mis'ry
daggers in the smiles of foe and of friend
thus were laid the laws of human nature
n' they don't change
the dye is cast from the first to the last
with the mark
the mark Cain
angry n' vain
the mark of Cain
rollin' n' rounded, runnin' in a cycle
of blood and of grain
never were we truly forgiven, only smitten with the
the mark of Cain
Angry n' vain
the mark of Cain
bold and profane
the mark of Cain
the mark of Cain
______________________________
Rightly
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Hi!
If Nancy Sinatra had recorded the soundtrack to either 'The Hills Have eyes' or 'Repulsion' this song would have been the theme.
Great work!
Martin
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Well, I always look forward to each @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) submission and yet again I'm not disappointed. This one for me has a real Jim Morrison vibe to it, with the vocals and the piano sound. Love the brass that you're dropping in. The lyrics are deep, dark and disturbing. You've pulled another cracker out of the bag man :)
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Wow, what a deep Biblical themed poem/song, I see some have mentioned Nick Cave and Jim Morrison, and I can certainly see that. Very moody with an increasingly passionate and epic feel towards the end.
I liked how the title almost became a kind of chorus towards the end after those dense verses. All very anguished, yet suitably controlled, well just about controlled! A nice edginess to it as well ;)
Really interesting, unlike anybody else that I know of!
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Hi!
If Nancy Sinatra had recorded the soundtrack to either 'The Hills Have eyes' or 'Repulsion' this song would have been the theme.
Great work!
Martin
High praise indeed!
I don*t feel all that entitled, there*s always a significant degree of fluke when I finish something I*m happy with.
I*ll take a closer look at the things that have which I like but not at the expense of becoming predictable.
Do press on with whatever plans you might have with the lyrics. It*s when a song has an independent life.
All the best.
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Yeah that was a cool listen, thanks. I also got hints of Nick Cave from it.
I loved the way the time signature was 4/4 but felt like something else... clever percussion.
A bit sinister, and 100% devoid of cliche, like all your stuff.
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Hi Rightly,
the mark of cain seems appropriate for a Sunday morning. My only suggestion would be to add an instrumental section, perhaps a weird avant-garde one.
Keith
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Yes, Nick Cave, Nancy Sinatra, Jim Morrison and I will add Leonard Cohen and Patti Smith..... echoes of all of them, but still this is highly original ( as it most of your stuff!)
Atmospheric, evocative and almost mesmeric, nice job.
Kevin
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Very cool track @Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) 8) I get the Morison/Cohen vibe as well, but mostly Rightly :) Heavy lyrics and your voice really suits this well.
I really like the undertones of the low brass...I would like to have heard it break out into a little solo at some point but that's just me. ???
It's an excellent song and well arranged 8)
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Hey Rightly,
You know I'm familiar with this one, had a great time working on an earlier version with you and hope some inspiration from that may have helped with the final product xD
Really scared if being honest that your cubase treatment would rip the soul of these really powerful lyrics, but your vocal really shines through and sustains that emotion throughout - with some specifically nice bits like the melody over "expelled from all the glory of Eden".
You've been doing well picking up new tools, lots of lovely sounds floating around the ears and some really enjoyable drum sections. Would be interesting to hear a cubase song with a bit of acoustic guitar mixed in.
All the best,
Scott.
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Hey Rightly,
You know I'm familiar with this one, had a great time working on an earlier version with you and hope some inspiration from that may have helped with the final product xD
Really scared if being honest that your cubase treatment would rip the soul of these really powerful lyrics, but your vocal really shines through and sustains that emotion throughout - with some specifically nice bits like the melody over "expelled from all the glory of Eden".
You've been doing well picking up new tools, lots of lovely sounds floating around the ears and some really enjoyable drum sections. Would be interesting to hear a cubase song with a bit of acoustic guitar mixed in.
All the best,
Scott.
Hi Scott.
I really enjoyed what you did with the lyrics that time.
This version is musically unrelated but what we did there kept the sing alive with me.
I do have another song in the same stage of development as Cain was back then.
I'll send them to you, maybe you can work your magic there too.
Using a drum machine as a metronome with super powers can free up an artist to concentrate on other parts of the song.
I also have a song with live electric guitar with vsts, I haven't recorded the vocals yet. I've already written it off as a weak song.
I rarely find the time to play guitar these days.
Thanks for the encouraging words.
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Hey Rightly. I too am getting a big Nick Cave hit with this song. A very good thing. I do wonder if you could boost the vocal delivery in places. Perhaps a little more bombast all around would give the song a bit more heft. But I appreciate you may lose something along the way if you did that.
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Hey Rightly. I too am getting a big Nick Cave hit with this song. A very good thing. I do wonder if you could boost the vocal delivery in places. Perhaps a little more bombast all around would give the song a bit more heft. But I appreciate you may lose something along the way if you did that.
Thanks for the feedback @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769)
Yes nick cave. There are some similarities.
Like me, he's very careful with words, more so than Bowie.
I always thought Jim Morison was a terrible poet,
I've often felt embarrassed, those few times I've met a fan of morisons scribblins.
On the vocals I did do some boosting here n there. I know what you mean.
I won't go back to it, I'm learning with every recording (I think).
I used to think if I didn't have to play all the instruments I might sing like Terence Trent Darby or Freddie Mercury. With using a daw I'm more free, more free to discover new limitations. It's a new humbling experience. There must be a good metaphor for this, I haven't the time to find it right now.
And to think I want to start making video documentaries! For crying out loud I'm almost 50 years old! Will I never learn?
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Hey Rightly.
This triggers childhood experiences. My family were strictly religious and still are,so I am more than familiar with Old Testament stories!
Perhaps we should have Rightly's version running alongside the King James!
I dig the song,lyrically outstanding as ever and musically imaginative and original.
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Hey Rightly.
This triggers childhood experiences. My family were strictly religious and still are,so I am more than familiar with Old Testament stories!
Perhaps we should have Rightly's version running alongside the King James!
I dig the song,lyrically outstanding as ever and musically imaginative and original.
I hope these recalled memories aren't too unpleasant.
After writing this I put it on the shelf suddenly, n for some reason, believing Able was the first born. I thought I'd really messed up.
My upbringing was less religious doctrine and more neglect.
I've three brothers n we shared a small room with two sets of bunk beds.
There was no retreat, n no cavalry, it must have been stressful but at the time I didn't know it any other way.
Glad you like it.
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Very atmospheric and thought provoking. Not much more to say - maybe a breakdown with just drums and voice (and maybe bass) might be effective to bring out a certain point e.g. "thus were laid the laws..."
But it definitely made me open my ears, very original.
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Very atmospheric and thought provoking. Not much more to say - maybe a breakdown with just drums and voice (and maybe bass) might be effective to bring out a certain point e.g. "thus were laid the laws..."
But it definitely made me open my ears, very original.
Hi Adam.
Thanks for the feedback.
Yes a think a break down might have been good. It didn't occur to me at the time
I usually find solos a bit too much and I can imagine never going there.
A breakdown is a different matter.
In future productions I'll give it a whirl, I'm sure to at least ... No, I'll dive in n embrace it.
All the best!
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Wow Rightly, your production and composing has come on in heaps and bounds since I've been away! There is such a huge inventiveness to this arrangement and it's easily my favourite listen this week. Your voice compliments it all superbly.
I love weirdness...and you've got it in spades. But none of it is random...it all fits together like a kaleidoscopic jigsaw puzzle. Fab Fab Fab.
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Wow Rightly, your production and composing has come on in heaps and bounds since I've been away! There is such a huge inventiveness to this arrangement and it's easily my favourite listen this week. Your voice compliments it all superbly.
I love weirdness...and you've got it in spades. But none of it is random...it all fits together like a kaleidoscopic jigsaw puzzle. Fab Fab Fab.
Thanks @martynrich for the encouragement.
I hope to look back one day on these songs n very a giggle out of my attempts. It seems every now n then I take a step in the right direction.
I'm completing some older songs, after their completion I mean to reassess and press on.
I'm still an amateur n it doesn't suit me.
All the best, rightly.
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Really nice track. The lyrics are great, bible references work really well. Also just a small thing but i feel like it makes a really big difference - the delay on the vocal track. Cool as fuck
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Really nice track. The lyrics are great, bible references work really well. Also just a small thing but i feel like it makes a really big difference - the delay on the vocal track. Cool as fuck
Glad you like the track jack!
The small thing? I'm not sure there. Should I change the delay?
Thanks for the feedback.
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Loved the lyrics when I read them way back when...nobody does it better.
Brilliantly organic...I often get the feeling that your songs sprout from the ground like one of those speeded-up nature documentaries like an almost unstoppable force of nature...very powerful but still quite fragile.
This works and knits together brilliantly...the sounds and arrangement work really well.
Tip-top stuff!
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Hi rightly
Very creative a unique - as always with your stuff.
Love how you can almost talk a melody and make it work.
Especially liked the chorus - though thought it could have appeared a bit earlier ;D
Paul
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Gotta tell ya...there is no Fluke involved in any of your songs, your consistency proves this...particularly in the lyrics area..
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Hi,
Well this is different. I have to admit that I find you vocals challenging but the song has great lyrical quality and you're not following anybody else's tracks so that's to be admired. Have to disagree about Jim Morrison's lyrics :"Sidewalks crouching at her feet like a dog that begs for something sweet" - come ooooonnn!
Not my bag but still it's a great achievement.
M
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A great listen.
Love the haunting vocals and the organs in the background.
Don't know much about Cain.... Or Nick Cave, but it does have hints of the Doors.
Clever production and great lyrics.
Enjoyed this
Sandeep
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Hi Rightly,
Interesting sounding song. Quite unusual. Darkly jazzy - but easier on the ear.
The vocal creeps up on you I find. Once you're in - you're in.
Great to hear the variety in the forum .
You lose marks for dissing Jim though. :D
Digger
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Hi Rightly,
Interesting sounding song. Quite unusual. Darkly jazzy - but easier on the ear.
The vocal creeps up on you I find. Once you're in - you're in.
Great to hear the variety in the forum .
You lose marks for dissing Jim though. :D
Digger
On reading this I had to run through all the names of people I've dissed recently, it took me an hour, I couldn't find a Jim amongst them.
Falling asleep it occurred to me.
Morrison. Lol.
Well, why not?
I remember reading his bio as a teenager, I was smoking those days.
I was shouting in a punk band for a while and my own songs were horrible.
Poor Jim, as robust as they come, he quickly destroyed himself, leaving behind a lot of fine songs and some terrible poetry.
I wonder if the band tried a new singer.
Hey, I'm glad you like the song.