The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: montydog on January 11, 2019, 02:58:23 PM
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Hi Everyone,
Here's another new one from the Monty House Of Music. It's about wanting to escape from somewhere which once held promise but now doesn't. Hope you like it and feel free to comment.
M
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/its-june
It's June and when the weather breaks
I'm going to pick up everything it takes
And get moving
This little town has got me down
And that feeling's coming round
To leaving
The sky has that faded look
That I once mistook
For morning
On the day when I turned around
Set my feet on the ground
For walking
Sun shines through the plastic blinds
Falls on my coffee grinds
Wake up!
Breakfast the waitress brings
On the radio Tammy Wynette sings
"Let's break up"
I look up and catch the eye
Of a woman passing by
Whose's smiling
Or is she laughing at my faded shirt
And the hundred miles of roadside dirt
I'm wearing
Endless run of power lines
Stretched across the countryside
Mark my steps along the way
Another town another new day
Thumbed a 60's Corvette ride
Took me to the other side
Chrome shining
As I turned around to wave goodbye
Brake lights came alive
She's slowing
So I run and catch the door
"What was I waiting for?"
She's asking
It was something that I said
That echoed around her head
Sand's running
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First reaction as I listen...shades of Glen Campbell. It reminds me of "Gentle on My Mind".
From your description I would call this an unstable theme, which is supported with an occasional near rhyme, the uneven line lengths and a lack of tonic resolution at the end. There are stable elements, as well--especially all the perfect rhymes. What does all that mean? Ummm...that I am congratulating myself on recognizing these elements? Probably.
I noticed a couple tiny issues with timing/rhythm (like pronouncing the car COR-vette instead of how I think of it: cor-VETTE).
But mainly I noticed how pleasant this is and I just want to relax and listen to the mellow sound flowing through my headphones.
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Alan,
Fab lyrics as ever. Liking the guitar, mandolin and banjo. Its got a loverly roots feel to it. Voice sounds just right.
And sax solo really tops it off.
Thoughts: I think early on the drums are a bit to prominent in the mix, I think I'd build it a bit more gently till its a full blast by the middle. And I think I might have a little more dynamics in terms of arrangement, maybe strip a verse back to the intro style later on to introduce a little light and shade.
However these are small points, going to have another play.
Classy and pro sounding
:) :)
neil
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Don't we all wish it was June hey Alan. I really liked this. You spin a good story with the lyrics and for me there was a lot of drive to it. Its quite an upbeat number from yourself. I got a sort of early Springsteen vibe from this. You are a master at this type of song. Sax stuff is exceptional. Hats off to you for being able to play one of those beasts. I had clarinet lessons at school which is pretty surprising for a comprehensive in inner city Coventry in the 70s but could never quite get the reed right. I know that all songs are very personal but I'd love to have a shot at a rocked up remix with some dirty guitar and some wailing bv's. Let me know if you're into that. Cracking stuff
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Hi Alan
Wish it was freakin' June - dealing with minus 15 ATM. Brrr :D :D
This smooth sound warmed me up a bit though.
Lovely vocals as usual and I liked the chord change in the Part B sections (bridges?)
Seamlessly goes back to the verses too - well done.
The sax fits nicely here and like Vicky says shades of glen campbell :D :D
Keep penning 'em ;D
Paul
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Yo Alan.
The song has the feel of Ralph McTell and David McWilliams.(Days of Pearly Spencer) Intimate and warm.
Cool sax work.
It's a lovely song which richly rewards repeated listens. It's one of those songs the listener feels they have always known. Your music tends to bring that familiarity. Neat trick.
Fine work as always Alan. 8)
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Excellent stuff. The banjo-batics and the sax are just ace (wasn’t expecting a sax either so that was an eyebrow-raising moment).
I thought your delivery, the phrasing and some aspects of the melody were very Dylan in this one.
There’s something very powerful about songs where the message is ‘I’m outta here’ isn’t there.
I really liked this. :)
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It might be becasue I'm listening on a different set of headphones to usual but this doesn't seem to have quite the layer of polish as the recent productions I've heard.
Not a critiscism, just an observation...this has a ruggedness about it that I think fits the song.
Melodically and lyrically well crafted as usual from you.
The sax sounds great in it's own right but I'm in two minds at the moment as to whether it fits int he context of the track. It kind of feels like two worlds colliding. We've got that rugged, raw banjo led side and then the 80's power ballad sax. It might just be a stroke of genious that needs me to catch up.
I think it may be a combination of the sax and the lyrical storytelling/themes in your lyrics but I'm being reminded of Bruce 'The Boss' Sprinsteen with this one.
Well done Monty.
Yodasdad
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Unlike the other reviewers, I didn't think the sax worked. I love the mondolin, and I would be interested to hear a more bluegrass/country sounding solo, maybe with a fiddle instead. The sax made it more jazzy, which I didn't like, even though you obviously play it extremely well, and it obviously appeals to most of the other reviewers (so feel free to ignore my opinion). I thought you voice sounded great and liked the lyrics.
Lynn
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My favourite of yours by a country ( :P) mile.
I think you would have knocked the lyrics out of the park with lines 3 and 6 of the verses rhyming too...quite an undertaking, I suppose...keeping the excellent story going too...although I doubt it's beyond you...it's very very good lyrically anyway...I just might have obsessed over it if I'd been on the ball enough in the first place to have written it.
Loved the drums and the kick that comes with them. Banjo was fab. Reminded me of a time on holiday when an Italian coach driver and an English tour guide had a heated argument on a heated coach with my wife very pregnant and very heated too. I got out of my seat, went to the front of the bus and "had a quiet word with them" as I walked back to my seat amid a stunned silence...a cockney fella said to me "ho ho, Geordie...I thought you were going to banjo the pair of them" As if ::)
It didn't feel like the saxophonist had wandered into the wrong studio...which I'd have likely put money on after 30 seconds or so ;D
Anyway...I really enjoyed this one, Alan.
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Alan,
your songwriting gets better and better. You clearly have your own unique sound. The instrumentation sounds great. I could imagine going to see your band play live and then walk away, having thoroughly enjoyed the evening. This is simply delightful! Sax is good but wonder if it was really needed in the context of the rest of the instrumentation.
Paul
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I just love that banjo is there @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) !! It fits the song like a glove and stands out for me from an arraignment perspective.. Lovely song and as always, beautifully sung.. Very very slick production all around .. Sounds like a professional radio-ready song to me. Particularly like the last line pattern you've got going on (no idea what to call that! But I'm hoping you know what I mean)
Very fine and lovely work!
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Hello Alan
Very good played and sung. Love the sax. You have that talent of storytelling. I always see the whole scenery wich about you are singing in your songs.
Thanks for sharing. Nothing to criticise.
Alexander
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Hi Alan, very nice imagery in the lyric, good vocal too as always. Can't really fault the song overall without being picky, so on that basis my only negative comment would be it is a little 'too' easy on the ear, maybe? Geoff
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Hey Alan,
I always love how you arrange these songs of yours. They are very rich! Great stuff!
I enjoyed this mate! Great job! No nits.
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Hi Peeps,
A big thank you for the (largely) positive feedback. Quite a relief I can assure you. Before thanking individuals who commented, can I point out that the sax on this track is not played by me. If I was that good, I'd be earning a fortune as a session player. The part was originally played by a guy called Mark Douthit and I have edited it to fit my song. Don't worry, there are no copyright issues.
Hey Alan,
I always love how you arrange these songs of yours. They are very rich! Great stuff!
I enjoyed this mate! Great job! No nits.
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Glad you liked it!
Hi Alan, very nice imagery in the lyric, good vocal too as always. Can't really fault the song overall without being picky, so on that basis my only negative comment would be it is a little 'too' easy on the ear, maybe? Geoff
@Furry61 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22234) Fair enough Geoff - can't please all the people all the time. Thanks for the positive words on the lyrics which I know you are the master of.
Hello Alan
Very good played and sung. Love the sax. You have that talent of storytelling. I always see the whole scenery wich about you are singing in your songs.
Thanks for sharing. Nothing to criticise.
Alexander
@fischermans (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19014) You are too kind Alex.
I just love that banjo is there @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) !! It fits the song like a glove and stands out for me from an arraignment perspective.. Lovely song and as always, beautifully sung.. Very very slick production all around .. Sounds like a professional radio-ready song to me. Particularly like the last line pattern you've got going on (no idea what to call that! But I'm hoping you know what I mean)
Very fine and lovely work!
@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) Thanks. Not sure about the radio friendly - I don't think that's possible for someone as old fashioned as me :-(
Alan,
your songwriting gets better and better. You clearly have your own unique sound. The instrumentation sounds great. I could imagine going to see your band play live and then walk away, having thoroughly enjoyed the evening. This is simply delightful! Sax is good but wonder if it was really needed in the context of the rest of the instrumentation.
Paul
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) Lovely comments coming from one I admire so much. The comments about seeing it live are fab - made my day. I think the sax works - think of Clarence Clemons of the East St Band!
My favourite of yours by a country ( :P) mile.
I think you would have knocked the lyrics out of the park with lines 3 and 6 of the verses rhyming too...quite an undertaking, I suppose...keeping the excellent story going too...although I doubt it's beyond you...it's very very good lyrically anyway...I just might have obsessed over it if I'd been on the ball enough in the first place to have written it.
Loved the drums and the kick that comes with them. Banjo was fab. Reminded me of a time on holiday when an Italian coach driver and an English tour guide had a heated argument on a heated coach with my wife very pregnant and very heated too. I got out of my seat, went to the front of the bus and "had a quiet word with them" as I walked back to my seat amid a stunned silence...a cockney fella said to me "ho ho, Geordie...I thought you were going to banjo the pair of them" As if ::)
It didn't feel like the saxophonist had wandered into the wrong studio...which I'd have likely put money on after 30 seconds or so ;D
Anyway...I really enjoyed this one, Alan.
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) Wow! so relieved you liked this one as you were lukewarm about "Bridges" and that came 2nd in the Novemeber SOTM competition! Just goes to show what an unpredictable beast personal taste is.
Unlike the other reviewers, I didn't think the sax worked. I love the mondolin, and I would be interested to hear a more bluegrass/country sounding solo, maybe with a fiddle instead. The sax made it more jazzy, which I didn't like, even though you obviously play it extremely well, and it obviously appeals to most of the other reviewers (so feel free to ignore my opinion). I thought you voice sounded great and liked the lyrics.
Lynn
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) Hi Lynn. I did try this with a fiddle but it just wasn't working. Thanks for the +ve comments on the lyrics and singing
It might be becasue I'm listening on a different set of headphones to usual but this doesn't seem to have quite the layer of polish as the recent productions I've heard.
Not a critiscism, just an observation...this has a ruggedness about it that I think fits the song.
Melodically and lyrically well crafted as usual from you.
The sax sounds great in it's own right but I'm in two minds at the moment as to whether it fits int he context of the track. It kind of feels like two worlds colliding. We've got that rugged, raw banjo led side and then the 80's power ballad sax. It might just be a stroke of genious that needs me to catch up.
I think it may be a combination of the sax and the lyrical storytelling/themes in your lyrics but I'm being reminded of Bruce 'The Boss' Sprinsteen with this one.
Well done Monty.
Yodasdad
@Yodasdad (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19208) It's definitely a work of genius!!! Thanks for the Bruce Springsteen comparison. I hadn't noticed the similarity with his style but now I hear what you mean.
Excellent stuff. The banjo-batics and the sax are just ace (wasn’t expecting a sax either so that was an eyebrow-raising moment).
I thought your delivery, the phrasing and some aspects of the melody were very Dylan in this one.
There’s something very powerful about songs where the message is ‘I’m outta here’ isn’t there.
I really liked this. :)
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) Lovely comments Paul - glad you liked the banjo/sax combo although some others didn't. it's that personal taste thing again.
Yo Alan.
The song has the feel of Ralph McTell and David McWilliams.(Days of Pearly Spencer) Intimate and warm.
Cool sax work.
It's a lovely song which richly rewards repeated listens. It's one of those songs the listener feels they have always known. Your music tends to bring that familiarity. Neat trick.
Fine work as always Alan. 8)
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) Many thanks Davy - you are too kind.
Hi Alan
Wish it was freakin' June - dealing with minus 15 ATM. Brrr :D :D
This smooth sound warmed me up a bit though.
Lovely vocals as usual and I liked the chord change in the Part B sections (bridges?)
Seamlessly goes back to the verses too - well done.
The sax fits nicely here and like Vicky says shades of glen campbell :D :D
Keep penning 'em ;D
Paul
@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) Lovely comments Paul - that means a lot. The chord change is from A7 to Fmaj7 and then from Am back to a C G F run.
Don't we all wish it was June hey Alan. I really liked this. You spin a good story with the lyrics and for me there was a lot of drive to it. Its quite an upbeat number from yourself. I got a sort of early Springsteen vibe from this. You are a master at this type of song. Sax stuff is exceptional. Hats off to you for being able to play one of those beasts. I had clarinet lessons at school which is pretty surprising for a comprehensive in inner city Coventry in the 70s but could never quite get the reed right. I know that all songs are very personal but I'd love to have a shot at a rocked up remix with some dirty guitar and some wailing bv's. Let me know if you're into that. Cracking stuff
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) Thanks for the songwriting comments and the Springsteen comparison (swoons). See my comments at the top about the sax. It would be great for you to have a go at a remix. Just let me know what you need from me.
Alan,
Fab lyrics as ever. Liking the guitar, mandolin and banjo. Its got a loverly roots feel to it. Voice sounds just right.
And sax solo really tops it off.
Thoughts: I think early on the drums are a bit to prominent in the mix, I think I'd build it a bit more gently till its a full blast by the middle. And I think I might have a little more dynamics in terms of arrangement, maybe strip a verse back to the intro style later on to introduce a little light and shade.
However these are small points, going to have another play.
Classy and pro sounding
:) :)
neil
@Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) Thanks for the great feedback and advice on the drums - I think you're right BTW.
First reaction as I listen...shades of Glen Campbell. It reminds me of "Gentle on My Mind".
From your description I would call this an unstable theme, which is supported with an occasional near rhyme, the uneven line lengths and a lack of tonic resolution at the end. There are stable elements, as well--especially all the perfect rhymes. What does all that mean? Ummm...that I am congratulating myself on recognizing these elements? Probably.
I noticed a couple tiny issues with timing/rhythm (like pronouncing the car COR-vette instead of how I think of it: cor-VETTE).
But mainly I noticed how pleasant this is and I just want to relax and listen to the mellow sound flowing through my headphones.
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Well "Gentle On My Mind" is one of my all-time favourites so that's a great compliment. I don't understand the technical stuff about instability that you talk about - I just write what sounds right. Some say CORvette, others say corVETTE....some say potAto some say potarto....
Once again, many thanks to all who commented. It is much appreciated and keeps me going.
M
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Your songs and lyrics are always of a high quality Alan, I am very glad that you have collaborated with me on one of mine (so far) keep doing what you're doing :-)
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[/quote]
@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) Wow! so relieved you liked this one as you were lukewarm about "Bridges" and that came 2nd in the Novemeber SOTM competition! Just goes to show what an unpredictable beast personal taste is.
[/quote]
Yeah...i'm afraid to say I'm way off the pace when it comes to figuring out SOTM.
Each to their own...
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Hi Alan!
I think it's a great song, but I think there are too many things going on at the same time. Maybe the banjo, nice addition, could be focused on a few parts, like the verses. No big fan of sax outside of jazz, but the melody line really fitted the song.
Sorry for putting you in the top spot ;)
Martin
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There's something really "right" about this one. The drive is quite inexorable - you know the character is definitely going. But he's not excited, he just knows he has to. And when the sax hits it's really like he has hit the streets of a new town (not quite leaving behind the small town banjos, but at the same time meeting something out of the norm). I think the addition of the sax - that also distances this from a pure country style, which for me helps (sorry) - is really a spectacularly fine choice to contribute to how this story is told.
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Holy cow! @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) doing drums!!! I was just getting comfortable in my chair during the intro expecting to enjoy yet another fan acoustic number from you and just when I got set the drums comes in and changes this into a more country style number. And boy, did I like that!
Nice build up, love the organ, vocals fab, hate the sax (sorry! ::) )
All in all top drawer stuff, my only suggestion would be to loose the sax and bring in@Skub or @Neil to lay down a nice guitar solo instead. A nice twangy Tele to balance the organ and you off to Nashville with you ;)
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A great little country song.
Has the feel of the beginning of a road movie. I like the banjo, wasn't expecting the sax, perhaps a harmonica. That said what I wasn't expecting, still works.
A story well told, and sung. Great guitars and drums
Well done Alan.
Sandeep