The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: AnnaLina on December 10, 2018, 11:14:45 AM
-
I just started writing this song, trying to be very honest. Let me know what you think. I haven't put them to music yet, so you're very welcome to make suggestions!
It was not okay
to occupy your love
That I didn't say
when it wasn't enough
I was partly gone
but I was trying to hold on
My mind was just so dark
couldn't tell my feelings apart
So I carried on
Couldn't stand the thought of moving on
But it wasn't fair
that I kept you there
just in case
I'm so sorry
for my selfishness
for my jealousy
I should have set you free
And I'm so sorry
for my loneliness
It occupied your love
We deserve more than us
I needed to heal
and you gave me something real
I thought I gave it back
I wanted to so bad
You were talking future
I didn't paint a picture
Tried to love with my heart open
but it was just broken
Now all this stolen time
is eating me alive
cause it wasn't fair
that I kept you there
just in case
I'm so sorry
for my selfishness
for my jealousy
I should have set you free
And I'm so sorry
for my loneliness
It occupied your love
We deserve more than us
-
A little bit sadder than it could be.
-
Not bad :-)
-
Hi AnnaLina!
I like your lyric. The way the 'just in case' finds it's way into what might be a pre-chorus. My advice is to work more with how the lines follow each other. Some rhymes tend to dominate lyrics which overshadows the rest of the words. I say, let the music be the continuous part and let the words flow more freely. This is not meant as criticism, you have a good theme for your lyric.
Ps.When I read just a lyric I often make up a song/melody in my head to go along with it. I've made some sketches that I'd gladly share if you'd like some input on chords/melody. Ds.
Best regards,
Martin
-
Hi AnnaLina!
I like your lyric. The way the 'just in case' finds it's way into what might be a pre-chorus. My advice is to work more with how the lines follow each other. Some rhymes tend to dominate lyrics which overshadows the rest of the words. I say, let the music be the continuous part and let the words flow more freely. This is not meant as criticism, you have a good theme for your lyric.
Ps.When I read just a lyric I often make up a song/melody in my head to go along with it. I've made some sketches that I'd gladly share if you'd like some input on chords/melody. Ds.
Best regards,
Martin
What he said. I had the same "feeling" about this lyric. Needs some repetition. And "just in case" is a great line which makes a great title. It needs to be featured more. I liked the level of "completeness" of your story. It's easy to provide too much or too little "story" to explain the lyric. I think you nailed it on this one. Not too much, and not too little. You tell a reasonably complete story, but leave us (listeners/readers) a few holes to fill in ourselves.
It sang well, but not easily. That's actually a good thing. Lyrics that are "easy to sing" have a tendency to elicit somewhat generic music. This lyric demands creativity in finding a viable melody.
Overall, I really liked this. With the right music, it will make an excellent song i.m.o.
-
Hey guys
Thanks for the comments, all very constructive! I agree overall, and would also like the "just in case" line to shine through more. At the moment I'm not locked on a certain melody, so @Martinswede (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20851) I would love to hear your thoughts on melody, chords etc, if you're up for it. Thanks again!
Best wishes
Anna
-
Can't really add much other than what has already been said. It's a good lyric that flows really easily which should allow for a great melody to match it. In particular there's lots of room to play about with the 'sorry' in the chorus - that could be the 'hook' I guess.
-
Let me know if you are looking for a vocal melody. I have some ideas. Not necessarily good ones, but possibly places to start.