The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: mikek on November 07, 2018, 07:37:55 PM
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It's another song of the broken ❤
Been done before and will be done again
This is the only one I've written though
This is not going to be the final take....just a practice run
I'm going to try and do a home brew album and this is one of the songs I have in mind
Looking for any and all feedback, keeping in mind, I'm aware of some performance issues with this take, and hope to improve on those
https://www.reverbnation.com/thebonanzalunchbox/song/30181234-still-want-you--demo--sketch
edit/added 11.22.18
different recording approach here... single microphone in the room capturing the vocal and guitar all at one go
https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox/still-want-you-mxl
try to make believe
there's still a you and me
but we both know
we already had to go ~ away
its such a tragedy
like ships that pass at sea
and slowly drift away
with nothing left to say ~ but this
I still want you
oh i do
i still want you
do you want me too
so i spend my time
sipping at my wine
in my easy chair
pretending i don't care to wait
so i wait some more
staring at the door
hoping you'll walk through
eyes clear and true, on me ~ alone
i still want you
oh i do
i still want you
do you want me too?
everybody cries
everybody dies
with our broken hearts
tearing us apart
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Whato @Mikek - Dig the beard...
I really like the lyrics.
First I was was caught a bit off guard with the opening American accent, then it kind of wore off making me concentrating on whether you'll be singing in American or Uk English (We both know), I know that you are from OK, but it's just a
Really like the 'but this' placement
The gaps between the 'I still want you', and 'Oh I do' maybe be a bit long. the 'Oh' sounded a bit forced, maybe don't push it as much, it's the same with the crescendo near the end, don't push it so much, it'll sound better, it's a very passionate song but you have to keep it together
Yeah, nice sad song
Do you think she will walk through that door Mike? and what is the guitar? btw I really like the forlorn loop...is that your own? sounds cool.
hope this helps Mike
cpm
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I agree with your criticism on the performance, and thanks for calling it out. This is completely a practice run at things, and I will keep your comments in mind and add them to my own complaints....there is certainly room to improve.
The guitar is not too special, but I'm very fond of it's tone. It is a recording king ros16. It is short, only 12 frets, which gives to the wooden tone. I have it mic'd with a small condenser.
Yes forlorn loop is my creation. Happy accident that it segways so nicely after the song you critiqued. I was quite into looping, sort of spontaneous, one time song creation, for a while. That is one of the fruits of the journey.
Thank you very much for your time. It is appreciated, and your comments are invaluable.
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I have a little trouble with the verse in this,,
everybody cries
everybody dies
with our broken hearts
tearing us apart. to me makes more sense keeping us apart, just little things like that. I enjoyed the listen.
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My broken heart is tearing me apart. Period.
Like internally...not from one another.
Make sense?
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yep! :)
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Super clean recording.
I am a big fan of how the melody complimented and elevated the lyrics. I only desired the chorus words to same more with same amount of words and hit me.
Thank you for the music!
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Not sure I completely understand your comment about the chorus, but I believe you are suggesting it needs more words?
I will agree that if I were to make a blueprint of what a song construction should theoretically look like, a chorus construct may have more words, but that is kind of like writing in a vacuum. Also, not all songs are written with the intent of 3 minutes of radio airtime...if that were my aim, I might more readily align with a blueprint format.
Thank you for listening and responding.
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Actually I wanted to say not necessarily more words, but making statements with a specific twist, not necessarily super surprising.
I didn't mind the radio airtime, and I don't care about that, it's great music regardless.
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Ah, but I said exactly what I wanted to say
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I know what you are saying is truly sincere.
I am looking for a little drama in the chorus maybe.. It's just me :)
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And I thought the chorus was hemeraging drama. Go figure.
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I'm absolutely in love with the pace you've set for this, that slowly unfolding the story in dribs and drabs, making us hang for every next morsel of emotion. I think you've dialed in the power of the emotions incredibly well in the climax with the strain in your voice and wicked guitar strums. Very nice.
Do you have a track list on Soundcloud? I'd love to add you to my growing list of favorite artists. I can't stop listening so that I can review the next poster's song here. LOL I keep getting hooked by the next track that comes up at ReverbNation,
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Thanks for listening and for the encouragement, Jenna.
I do have a soundcloud....it is mostly my odd looping project though
https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox
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i went ahead today and made another run at the recording.. just a single condenser mic in the room capturing the guitar and vocal at once... so no flexibility in levels... quite a basic approach.
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Listening to the new recording.
The recording starts absolutely heartwarmingly. The vocals come so nicely too...
One little thing; When you say "go away" you give a long break between these words, making the listener wait for the word "away", it's a predictable word to be coming after a break, so I would wish you would sustain "go" and tie it with "away". Just a thought... ("Nothing to say but this" part doesn't have this issue for me, I love it)
The chorus is growing on me also... But you sing "oh" in "oh I do", it sounds a little too strong and treble driven for my taste.
Big fan of soulful chord progression and guitar playing, I need to re-emphasize that...
Thanks for the music
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Its not the performance I want yet....at this point I'm just trying to work out how I'm going to record it. Thanks for your comments.i will try dropping 'away' and see if I like It.
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I didn't mean to say taking out the "away", but sustaining "go", so it will be tied with "away", eliminating the suspense that leads to the predictable word of "away".
Thank you
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Ah, misunderstood. Well,maybe I will try it each way