The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on October 21, 2018, 04:58:29 PM
-
Hi everyone,
Listen to and hull soul collective The Long Dark Stairwell by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/long-dark-stairwell-fourth-final-master
This song was the first collaboration between Keith and us. At the time, this was a huge leap for me as a singer. It was the first time I felt like my voice took on the personality of the character. I was still just learning to record myself and still figuring out stuff like the mic has a front and a back. Haha. But I was really pleased with it at the time. However, I listened to it yesterday, and I'm not so sure anymore. What do you think? Should I redo the vocals?
The Long Dark Stairwell
She said you're so slow
Why don't you take me home right now
Blue velvet midnight lace
Red lipstick smeared across his face
There was a long dark stairwell
A fire escape in the moonlight
The smell of rain and jasmine
Breathlessness dizziness
She turns away from him
Long neck craving his attention
Red neon flashing sign
Electric hum buzzing in the background
Silly intuition time to push
Time to pull
Desperateness distortion
Not knowing what to do
She sighed hold me tight
We'll enter paradise tonight
Wild orchid growing free
White kirtle rides above her knee
Slowly kissing her lips
Gentle hands stroke her hips
Taste her sweet perfume....
Thanks for helping!
Lynn
-
I like it Lynn. It's really atmospheric and dark and your vocal suits it perfectly. I wouldn't change a thing :)
-
I like it too! It’s really, really creepy and you get into character brilliantly. Although I never heard her do anything like this, it reminded me of Suzanne Vega. Something in the tone of your voice, and I would not re-record.
As for the song itself, I can imagine it being in a scary musical theatre production!
-
Thanks guys. I appreciate your time and comments. I actually tried to rerecord it anyway, but it turns out you were right. It was fine the way it was.
Thanks again,
Lyny
-
I haven't heard you sound this way before.
but as active as you are and also collaborating with a band I guess you have quite "back catalogue".
the lyrics are intriguing literature and the sound, groove n mood held my attention
well done Lyn.
-
Hi,
Great song as we approach Halloween...scary. I can also imagine this in a musical of a spooky nature. Your vocals are a little detached a la Marlene Dietrich but it worked for her and it works here. If I'm being hyper-critical I could say it was a little long and repetitive but otherwise an intriguing little number.
M
-
Liking this one. Strong rhythm, eerie vocals and physci-Arabaisn guitar all playing their hyponotic part. Oh and honourable mention to the feedback ending
:-)
neil
-
Hello beautiful,
The song and the story have left me with a very good taste in my mouth. You say that you should repeat the voice. That's a decision of yours, although I think if you ask it, it's because you're not sure. Would you like to repeat the voice now that you have more experience and you have heard it?
-
@Rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) , thanks! Yeah, I got into this one. Kind of surprised myself. Haha. I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653). I guess it is scary. I was picturing a film noir story, which is kind of scary, especially for the hero. Haha. I disagree that it's too long, but I really appreciate that you listened to the whole thing and commented.
Thanks so much @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) . I'm really glad you liked it. I agree with the ending. It gives me butterflies in my stomach.
Hello beautiful,
The song and the story have left me with a very good taste in my mouth. You say that you should repeat the voice. That's a decision of yours, although I think if you ask it, it's because you're not sure. Would you like to repeat the voice now that you have more experience and you have heard it?
Hi Mora,
I think I was considering redoing the vocals because time has changed and I've gotten stronger. There's a vulnerability in my voice that I think only I hear. As I tried rerecording it recently, I realized maybe that was a strength, not a weakness.
I don't think I could redo this song. It's like trying to meet someone you fell in love with the first time you met them again. That first time was magical, and can't be repeated. Instead, your love for them grows into something like a tree that drops its leaves in autumn and is reborn in spring, over and over again. Its roots grow deeper as it weathers storms and seasons. That's the story for a new song. Haha.
Thanks again, everyone, for your comments. I appreciate them,
Lynn
-
Very theatrical, especially the vocal and actually the drums, with their attention grabbing fills.
This is the sort of track that would sound great live at a late night intimate club, packed and sweat falling off the ceiling! Totally hypnotic and creative too. Good work, and my it must be scary in Hull! ;D
-
Hi Lynn
Very experimental.....sounds like a drug induced instrumental......Hey I am not assuming anything here
Your vocal is dark....fits the track perfectly.
Great work.
-
Very theatrical, especially the vocal and actually the drums, with their attention grabbing fills.
This is the sort of track that would sound great live at a late night intimate club, packed and sweat falling off the ceiling! Totally hypnotic and creative too. Good work, and my it must be scary in Hull! ;D
I'd definitely be in blue velvet for that performance. Yeah. That would be cool.
Hi Lynn
Very experimental.....sounds like a drug induced instrumental......Hey I am not assuming anything here
Your vocal is dark....fits the track perfectly.
Great work.
Thanks so much! I don't mind that we sound stoned. I'll take that as a compliment.
-
Thanks for the comments, especially Neil on the feedback at the end.
Hull's not scary at all and I've been free from drugs and alcohol for decades.
Nothing wrong with your vocal Lynn, it goes with the music perfectly.
The ending reflects what happened next. A shorter ending would suggest it didn't end well, but maybe that's just me.
Thanks again,
Keith
-
Thanks for the comments, especially Neil on the feedback at the end.
Hull's not scary at all and I've been free from drugs and alcohol for decades.
Nothing wrong with your vocal Lynn, it goes with the music perfectly.
The ending reflects what happened next. A shorter ending would suggest it didn't end well, but maybe that's just me.
Thanks again,
Keith
A shorter ending would imply she killed him. Instead, they're watching baseball. Haha.
-
Really like this dark song and love the guitar work that comes in at around 3 mins but was very disappointed that the drums didn't come back in after a minute or so..nevertheless..love the song :)
best, Kevin :)
-
Hey Lynn
I remembered this track from when Keith posted a year and a bit ago.
I listened to it again fresh today and liked it, especially the overall spooky atmosphere, and now I know your voice from other tracks and know a bit about your style, I liked the vocal delivery. Then I went back to what I wrote the first time I heard it in June 2017 - copied and pasted here...
-----------
Hi Keith
Thanks for sharing this, I've listened a couple of times.
Best bits for me were the menacing ska beat and the drums throughout, the arresting opening, the bubbly synth atmospherics, and the defiance against taking a conventional structure (it's "out there", which is a good thing I think).
The bits I was not too sure about were that the vocal delivery felt a bit half-hearted (maybe that's intentional to make it more hypnotic? but I thought it could be delivered with more character, since the sound of her voice is good - it could play a bigger part in the song), and the outro maybe a bit long.
Hope that helps, looking forward to the next one.
----------
So I think the first time I heard this was the first time I heard your voice. I thought it was interesting how I liked the delivery a lot more now because I can see you're deliberately being downbeat with it whereas I couldn't tell that first time. I guess context accounts for a lot in the way we hear things eh?
Hope you are doing well.
Pauly
-
Really like this dark song and love the guitar work that comes in at around 3 mins but was very disappointed that the drums didn't come back in after a minute or so..nevertheless..love the song :)
best, Kevin :)
Thanks Kevin. Nice to see you back! I'm glad you like it. I'll listen again soon to see if I hear what you mean about the drums. I didn't notice that.Hey Lynn
I remembered this track from when Keith posted a year and a bit ago.
I listened to it again fresh today and liked it, especially the overall spooky atmosphere, and now I know your voice from other tracks and know a bit about your style, I liked the vocal delivery. Then I went back to what I wrote the first time I heard it in June 2017 - copied and pasted here...
-----------
Hi Keith
Thanks for sharing this, I've listened a couple of times.
Best bits for me were the menacing ska beat and the drums throughout, the arresting opening, the bubbly synth atmospherics, and the defiance against taking a conventional structure (it's "out there", which is a good thing I think).
The bits I was not too sure about were that the vocal delivery felt a bit half-hearted (maybe that's intentional to make it more hypnotic? but I thought it could be delivered with more character, since the sound of her voice is good - it could play a bigger part in the song), and the outro maybe a bit long.
Hope that helps, looking forward to the next one.
----------
So I think the first time I heard this was the first time I heard your voice. I thought it was interesting how I liked the delivery a lot more now because I can see you're deliberately being downbeat with it whereas I couldn't tell that first time. I guess context accounts for a lot in the way we hear things eh?
Hope you are doing well.
Pauly
So it was you! That was the comment that made me doubt my singing on this. Thanks for listening again. Really appreciate that, Pauly. I'm glad I've grown on you. Haha. Yes, I'm doing very well, thank you. Hope you are too.
-
Hi Lynne
I've just come across this song and thought it was great, nicely creepy with an innocent sounding vocal, just adds to the creepiness, I agree this should be used in a horror film, it would give just the right atmosphere.
Cheers, Mikey
-
Hi Lynne. Although I don't think this is your best work I think there is still a lot to like about it. It's drenched in atmosphere and the drums are fantastic. I think the vocals could do with a bit more dynamic variation. Perhaps a few blood curdling screams here and there 😀
-
Hi Lynne
I've just come across this song and thought it was great, nicely creepy with an innocent sounding vocal, just adds to the creepiness, I agree this should be used in a horror film, it would give just the right atmosphere.
Cheers, Mikey
Thanks Mikey! I really appreciate that. Creepy is good.
Hi Lynne. Although I don't think this is your best work I think there is still a lot to like about it. It's drenched in atmosphere and the drums are fantastic. I think the vocals could do with a bit more dynamic variation. Perhaps a few blood curdling screams here and there 😀
Thanks Micky. The question is, who does the screaming, and why?
That might be another song. Haha.
Lynn
-
Interesting listen.
Has a real 80s , Shakespeare Sister feel.
Love the special sound effects makes me feel that I'm in a scene from a scary movie, but gripping at the same time.
A good listen.
Sandeep
-
Fantastic heady late night atmosphere. In my head I could see the parts of the video to "If you really love nothing"
In many ways, I think yours is a more interesting song.
When people say "should I...?" I usually say "Why don't you ... and then see if you like it?"! But to me the vocals sound as if they were meant that way, they come over quite dry and direct, in your head.
-
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) Lynn.. I love this - your vocal is perfect on it, I really wouldn't change a thing about it - the track has such a dark atmosphere to it - I love the instrumentation and arrangement but your vocal is fab.. just fab! Kudos to you two!
-
Nice work guys! I love dark tracks like this. The music is fab and interesting. Lynn, u captured the mood brilliantly on your vocal performance, so don’t worry about that mate!😄🎶👍🏻🎶
In terms of constructive feedback, I did kinda want a few more twists and turns with the vocal melody, it is quite repetitive. The variation in the music does help with that though.
That’s all I’ve got though. :D
Good stuff!! 😄🎶👊🏻🎶🙋🏼♂️