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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: RealKevM on October 01, 2018, 02:27:12 PM

Title: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on October 01, 2018, 02:27:12 PM
Hi guys, here's an early demo, work in progress of a new song that I wrote the other day. Please let me know what you think. I'm not happy about the last line in the chorus "let's go round again" I feel it needs something catchier or impactful there, any ideas?

Lyrics

It was hell
But you can't tell
A new life, someone's wife
Things are going well
Robbed of your teens
And your childhood dreams
Looks faded, feel so jaded,You just wanna be seen

Chorus
As the seasons change
One thing stays the same
Making a start with a brand new heart
Let's go round again

2nd verse
Tying on your phone
That's all you know
Waiting ages to make some changes
Yeah it's time to go
You just wanna be loved
Live everyone does
Hope is gone if you wait too long
Dont get caught in the rush
&feature=youtu.be
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on October 05, 2018, 09:03:41 PM
I guess this one isn't ding much for anyone lol :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: tfz on October 06, 2018, 12:35:09 PM
Hi Kev...like it - very deep, although not sure I entirely understand it.  Ebbs and flows in relationship? I agree with you on the last line of the chorus, and worth taking time to get it right. The last line of the chorus else needs to make sence, i.e. it should explain the think that stays the same in a cycle.  For example, making a start with a brand new heart might lift you up again, like a tonic.

Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: cowparsleyman on October 07, 2018, 08:44:34 AM
Whato @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) - This old chap, is another brilliant song, I'm so impressed with your work, It is deep yes, but solo acoustic guitar and lone voice have a great impact if the song is deep.

I rather like the last line of the chorus, implies  a desparate situation.

Kev, I've noticed that you like to establish your songs with a decent intro, why not steam straight in by singiing right from the first note, hit the audience right in the heart/eyes, make em listen.

The 2nd verse could work with a quieter, choked strumming, this'll bring some texture to the arrangment.

Very clever lyrics.

You have a brilliant lyricist's mind.

Hope this helps Special K.

Regards

Rich
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on October 08, 2018, 02:04:35 PM
Hi Kev...like it - very deep, although not sure I entirely understand it.  Ebbs and flows in relationship? I agree with you on the last line of the chorus, and worth taking time to get it right. The last line of the chorus else needs to make sence, i.e. it should explain the think that stays the same in a cycle.  For example, making a start with a brand new heart might lift you up again, like a tonic.
Thanks for taking a listen. It's meant to describe someone who was abused in their teenage years and is now married and settled down but still unhappy with their lot :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on October 08, 2018, 02:05:25 PM
Whato @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) - This old chap, is another brilliant song, I'm so impressed with your work, It is deep yes, but solo acoustic guitar and lone voice have a great impact if the song is deep.

I rather like the last line of the chorus, implies  a desparate situation.

Kev, I've noticed that you like to establish your songs with a decent intro, why not steam straight in by singiing right from the first note, hit the audience right in the heart/eyes, make em listen.

The 2nd verse could work with a quieter, choked strumming, this'll bring some texture to the arrangment.

Very clever lyrics.

You have a brilliant lyricist's mind.

Hope this helps Special K.

Regards

Rich
Cheers Rich, good suggestion about just going straight into a song, sometimes what seems obvious isn't so obvious lol i'll try that
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 07, 2018, 10:05:29 AM
Hello! Well I played this new song live last night for the first time, i'd love for you to let me know what you think to how the song has evolved :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: EveWilliams on November 08, 2018, 11:13:13 PM
Hi, Kev.  Here's my thoughts on Seasons. Just to start off with that is a beautiful guitar!

Lyrical thoughts: you have a killer opening line in 'it was hell '. It would be great if you could expand on that a little more and let us know what has gone on between these 2 characters. A bit more story would make the lyrics more accessible in that you do have quite a strong theme about moving from a previous difficult season to a potentially brighter future and I as a listener would like to be able to engage with that by being given just a couple if details.

I agree with you about the last line of the chorus. When I'm near 'let's go round again' I think of that boy band song with those words .. and also ask what are they going round again? You could get a really great pay off line here to tie all together. Something that encapsulates the relationship as it is now maybe, rather than where it was in the hellish season.'We haven't come to the end' type idea .

**Edited by Boydie - please contact me to advertise on this forum**

You actually do have a clear progression innyoir lyrics but wireframing is just always good for co ing up with story details IMHO.

Looking forward to hearing the finished product as your song has a strong emotional core.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: Furry61 on November 09, 2018, 10:48:02 AM
I have read the lyric, listened to the song, read the replies, I don't get it! I think I'm a pretty good judge of what makes a good song and I don't see that here at all, sorry.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: pompeyjazz on November 09, 2018, 10:03:23 PM
Personally Kev, I thought that this was an excellent song and by the sounds of it executed In very difficult circumstances. I think that you have progressed so much as a songwriter since you've been on the forum and a massive thumbs up to you for getting out there and doing it live which I'm hoping to do in at some open mic nights in the new year although I will be sh****g myself. Great stuff man. Im
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: pompeyjazz on November 09, 2018, 10:06:02 PM
...continued. Use any negative vibes you get to grow stronger  :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 10, 2018, 09:55:05 AM
Hi, Kev.  Here's my thoughts on Seasons. Just to start off with that is a beautiful guitar!

Lyrical thoughts: you have a killer opening line in 'it was hell '. It would be great if you could expand on that a little more and let us know what has gone on between these 2 characters. A bit more story would make the lyrics more accessible in that you do have quite a strong theme about moving from a previous difficult season to a potentially brighter future and I as a listener would like to be able to engage with that by being given just a couple if details.

I agree with you about the last line of the chorus. When I'm near 'let's go round again' I think of that boy band song with those words .. and also ask what are they going round again? You could get a really great pay off line here to tie all together. Something that encapsulates the relationship as it is now maybe, rather than where it was in the hellish season.'We haven't come to the end' type idea .

**Edited by Boydie - please contact me to advertise on this forum**

You actually do have a clear progression innyoir lyrics but wireframing is just always good for co ing up with story details IMHO.

Looking forward to hearing the finished product as your song has a strong emotional core.
Thank you Eve. You're totally correct about that last line, infact I have that same boyband song in my head when I sing it ha :) It needs to be changed and i've thought that myself for a short while now too, i'm glad you're reinforcing my thinking on it.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 10, 2018, 09:55:41 AM
I have read the lyric, listened to the song, read the replies, I don't get it! I think I'm a pretty good judge of what makes a good song and I don't see that here at all, sorry.
No worries Furry, each to their own and all that.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 10, 2018, 09:57:48 AM
Personally Kev, I thought that this was an excellent song and by the sounds of it executed In very difficult circumstances. I think that you have progressed so much as a songwriter since you've been on the forum and a massive thumbs up to you for getting out there and doing it live which I'm hoping to do in at some open mic nights in the new year although I will be sh****g myself. Great stuff man. Im
Thank you Sir. I'm really happy that you've recognised my progress, since I started taking my songwriting/playing seriously again this past year i've written maybe half a dozen new songs that I think are really good so i'm over the moon you have an interest in what I do :)
You would smash it at an open mic. Your songs are amazing, really good voice..that alone would offset any nerves that might creep into your performance. Go for it!
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: mahircankucuk on November 10, 2018, 01:18:38 PM
I think an important thing is the chorus doesn't feel like a chorus.
Feel free to imagine "As the seasons change" as "1-1-7-7-1" with a sustaining emphasis in "-sons" and "change", it would give the feeling, And the chords can be "I-V-I-ii".
I see a ton of potential, keep it up!
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 17, 2018, 04:20:41 PM
That's my lack of vocal melody making it not feel like a chorus I think.

Thanks man
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: hardtwistmusic on November 17, 2018, 07:41:45 PM
Suggestions:

Lyrics

It was hell
But you can't tell
A new life,
someone (else's?) wife
Things are going well
Robbed of your teens
And your childhood dreams
Looks faded, feel so jaded,You just wanna be seen
(From my perspective "You just wanna be seen"is the essence of the song.  I'd repeat it at least once more right here.)

Chorus
As the seasons change
One thing stays the same
Making a start with a brand new heart
Let's go round again  Get right back on that merry go round.

2nd verse
Talking on your phone
That's all you seem to know
Waiting ages to make some changes
Yeah And now it's time to go
You just wanna be loved
Like everyone does
I know the feeling, and I share your dream
we both just wanna be seen.
We both just wanna be seen.

BRIDGE TO OUT: 
Hope is gone if you wait too long
But dont get caught in the rush
Can't give in to feelings
too little, or too much. 

Got to find a balance tween reality and dreams.
When you just wanna be seen. 
When you just wanna be seen. 


BTW... absolutely LOVED the guitar composition and playing.  Hope this helps.  Feel totally free to use or discard all suggestions with nothing owed.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 18, 2018, 02:05:58 PM
Cheers for taking an interest, some great suggestions :)
I've already changed the Things are going well to .things aren't going well'
I like That's all you seem to know and  know the feeling, and I share your dream
we both just wanna be seen.
We both just wanna be seen.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 19, 2018, 11:40:46 AM
Hi, i'm still tinkering with this one, here's a new version recorded on my multitrack digital recorder (still can't get my hear around a DAW!) two acoustic guitar tracks, bass and maracas are involved. 

Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: mahircankucuk on November 19, 2018, 01:55:07 PM
I do really like it actually!

Few things: The shaker sounds nicer if it just flows stable constant rhythm, rather than accenting a specific motive. When the shaker came and gone it sounded like it didn't really belong there.

I think the chorus really feels like a chorus now!

I personally really like the direction you're heading :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 19, 2018, 04:25:52 PM
Thank you! Cheers for the shaker advice, I don't really know what I'm doing ha so I'll take that on board, appreciate it, cheers
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: Jenna on November 20, 2018, 08:40:12 PM
This is a very deep song. I love how it's thought provoking in that way. They lyrics open the door for varying, more personalized interpretations, something not easily achieved as a lyricist. They more hearts you touch, the wider the impact. The guitar playing is fabulous. What kind of guitar and sound setup are you using? It sounds amazing.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: pompeyjazz on November 20, 2018, 10:12:48 PM
This works really well @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) I've listened to this song in different guises for a while now but really love this version. Top work man  :)
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 21, 2018, 02:30:32 PM
This is a very deep song. I love how it's thought provoking in that way. They lyrics open the door for varying, more personalized interpretations, something not easily achieved as a lyricist. They more hearts you touch, the wider the impact. The guitar playing is fabulous. What kind of guitar and sound setup are you using? It sounds amazing.
Hi Jenna, thanks for the really kind words it means a lot to me that you liked the song.
The guitar is just a Squire (Fender) electro acoustic it's quite cheap really and the guitar itself does the job but not the nicest sounding one i've ever heard (https://www.gear4music.com/Guitar-and-Bass/Squier-By-Fender-SA-105CE-Electro-Acoustic-Guitar-Sunburst/1HBX)

I use a BOSS BR80 digital recorder (https://www.gear4music.com/Recording-and-Computers/BOSS-Micro-BR-BR-80-Digital-Recorder/FWI)
The main guitar track is the 'Mic'd Acoustic' setting, the second guitar track is 'Wide Acoustic' the bass is done using the recorder's guitar to tight bass emulator and the vocals have a double vocal effect on it.
I mastered all the tracks as 'pop mix' apart from the vocals. It's hard to describe what i mean I guess and while by the sounds of it DAW's are better for editing and tinkering with songs I personally find them difficult to use lol



Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 21, 2018, 02:31:37 PM
This works really well @RealKevM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21324) I've listened to this song in different guises for a while now but really love this version. Top work man  :)
Thanks dude, I consider you one of if not the best songwriter here so that means a lot coming from you
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: Jenna on November 21, 2018, 08:30:56 PM
This is a very deep song. I love how it's thought provoking in that way. They lyrics open the door for varying, more personalized interpretations, something not easily achieved as a lyricist. They more hearts you touch, the wider the impact. The guitar playing is fabulous. What kind of guitar and sound setup are you using? It sounds amazing.
Hi Jenna, thanks for the really kind words it means a lot to me that you liked the song.
The guitar is just a Squire (Fender) electro acoustic it's quite cheap really and the guitar itself does the job but not the nicest sounding one i've ever heard (https://www.gear4music.com/Guitar-and-Bass/Squier-By-Fender-SA-105CE-Electro-Acoustic-Guitar-Sunburst/1HBX)

I use a BOSS BR80 digital recorder (https://www.gear4music.com/Recording-and-Computers/BOSS-Micro-BR-BR-80-Digital-Recorder/FWI)
The main guitar track is the 'Mic'd Acoustic' setting, the second guitar track is 'Wide Acoustic' the bass is done using the recorder's guitar to tight bass emulator and the vocals have a double vocal effect on it.
I mastered all the tracks as 'pop mix' apart from the vocals. It's hard to describe what i mean I guess and while by the sounds of it DAW's are better for editing and tinkering with songs I personally find them difficult to use lol

You did a fantastic job on the capture. I haven't gone through the mastering process yet, but I'm about ready to. DAWs are complicated if you're green to it all. I gather it's easier for those who've dealt with the analog equipment for some time.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: hardtwistmusic on November 21, 2018, 09:32:43 PM
One of the hardest things about writing a song is recognizing where the "law of diminishing returns" kicks in, and it's time to just call it good enough. 

Just an outside perspective;  --  EVERY NEW version you post is a lot better than the last.  In particular, the vocals get better and better, but everything about the song keeps getting better.  Until it quits getting better so rapidly, I'd keep going. 

Hope that helps.  Good luck. 
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 23, 2018, 09:34:11 PM
Thanks Jenna, it's a good bit of kit and I haven't really figured it all out yet either.

@hardtwistmusic (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19215) thanks, i'm happy you can see the improvement and that the song is progressing. I'm really proud of it.
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: Cawproductions on November 24, 2018, 11:23:58 AM
Yo Kev.

Another really nice song...sounds cool live, always a good sign.

Really good to hear you are branching out into the recording world..

Well done matey

Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on November 24, 2018, 09:10:23 PM
Thanks man
Title: Re: Seasons (work in progress)
Post by: RealKevM on December 05, 2018, 11:36:28 AM
Here's a live and acoustic version I just recorded this morning (with mood lighting!) please let me know how things are going with this :)