The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: jacksimmons on September 29, 2018, 09:18:39 PM
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I apologise in advance for breaking the two week rule (by a day) but I won't be around to post tomorrow and I suddenly realised we'd hit the deadline!
So here is my entry for the short song contest. Something a bit fast and punky. I wanted to go for a traditional verse chorus verse chorus song structure to see if I could actually cram those ingredients in to about a minute of music. You be the judge!
It's a song about a guy who is straight but finds himself fancying a guy. So he wants to be a girl so he can be that guy's girlfriend - stays straight and gets the guy, best of both worlds.
Lyrics:
I want, I want, wanna be your girlfriend
I see the way you hold and kiss them every night
I wanna hold you so tight
I dream about it every day on my walk to work
I'm feeling such a jerk
I'm feeling lonely
I want, I want, I want to be your girlfriend
I want, want, want, wanna be your girlfriend
I want, want, want to be your girlfriend now
Susie, Lacy, Barbara, Wendy, Julia, Pam
You take each of their hands
The way all of the pretty girls fall in to line
I wanna make you mine, I wanna know you
I want, I want, I want to be your girlfriend
I want, want, want, wanna be your girlfriend
I want, want, want to be your girlfriend now, now
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Ah the angst of unrequited love! This is fab, such a sweet slice of pure pop with great melody and all emotion! Great work!
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you just made it in time 'fore the shop closes..well done
this is punchy and sprightly indeed, really moves along
bright and shiny from the off
excellent vocals and surprising lyric
fine work jack
really good and boxed in 60 secs !
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Without your introduction and based only on the words, this could easily go either way. A female could sing this to a guy she's longing for too, so this song could be sung by either.
You handled those rapid lyrics very well. The whole thing is lively and fun to listen to, like pretty much everything you write.
Nice one.
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This is absolutely brilliant Jack. Already one of my favourites from you. You only have to hear it once this have the words and melody seared into your brain. It even puts its spiritual mirror image (Ramones I wanna be your boyfriend) in the shade. Pure class. Cheers Micky.
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I Love the way intro starts akapella and then bursts into the fast upbeat groove...really cool 8)
the lyrics are very youthful and energetic as is the melody and vibe...it has an innocence about it that I really like :)
I think you've done an excellent job of fitting a traditional format into 1min 8) Great entry :)
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Another brilliant entry. I think this one minute thing has got legs.
Great song Jack, beautifully delivered. So, so catchy too.
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This is fab stuff @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) Great pop tune with a really catchy hook which you manage to get in quite a few times. Boy, you pack quite a bit in in one minute. Bravo :)
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Excellent slice of pop cheese, really catchy.
Love the all the "want"s you cram in. You could definitely do something with this and sell it to the kpop/jpop market.
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Yo Jack.
A shiny,happy clappy poptastic offering.
Great pace from this classic sounding piece. 8)
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Perfect pop song; snappy, catchy and definately worth producing a full version.
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Excellent work Jack ;D Very, very, very poppy and bubble gummy. ;D
But carried off to perfection. Loved the vocal, a lot of 'youth' ;D ;D
Very well arranged, to pull it off in one minute. Reminded me of stuff
that I heard on the radio back in the late 60's early 70's.
Loved it ;D
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Knocked out Jack!
Really good catchy slice of pop with great support from that terrific backing. Top notch vocals of course!
Yes you made a brilliant job of using a traditional song structure and getting something which works in just a minute...works wonderfully. Trevor Horn would surely approve.
Definitely gonna be a big contender....on my shortlist already!
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Nice one Jack.
As others have said, great vox and poppy sound.
Packs a punch for a one minute song.
Enjoyed it! ;D ;D
Paul
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Thank you everyone for listening and appreciate all the lovely feedback. Really surprised at the reactions to this as I banged it out in an afternoon haha. Has been fun doing something a little pop punky as I have not done anything in that genre for a long time. Now time to sort out my short list for the competition (pun intended). A lot of great entries!
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Jack - you sure know how to write a pop song...
Rich
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Hi Jack,
You knocked it out of the park with this brilliant piece of pop. It has it all - energy, lyrical cleverness, angst, hooks, shiny production all condensed down into 1 minute. Brilliant. You have real talent.
M