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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: jacksimmons on September 16, 2018, 10:08:49 PM
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Hey all!
Another one for my new album, which is getting very close to being finished. This one is the middle song, and it's less synthy and more full-band feeling. I'm hoping it acts as a sort of a pallet cleanser before the listener is bombarded by more synths and gated reverbs.
This song is about the relationship between a boy and a girl who believes she is being stalked by some sort of secret government agency like the CIA or KGB or something. Maybe she's wrong, maybe she's right. Who knows.
Thanks in advance for any and all feedback/comments etc.
Lyrics:
She's a girl and she's in deep to another world
I'm a boy and I don't think that I'll get that girl
She took my hand and led me to the roadside
Watched as the black cars went by
She crawled through the grass
I didn't know where to look
She's a girl and she keeps her head bowed to the ground
Tells me people are following her around
I go to see her, she whines like a stranger
Puts her face up to the glass
I'm a loser
I don't let the lights go on
She's a girl but don't tell her you love her
No, don't do her a favour
Or one day when you're looking in to the sky
You'll see the missiles arcing down
So do yourself a favour
Forget she exists
Here we go, an evening trip to the theatre
Sees a spy in everybody that looks at her
Curtains close and we walk to the seaside
See the pier all thick with smoke
She tells me
It's them come to take us away
She's a girl but don't tell her you love her
No, don't do her a favour
And I confess to seeing the suited men
That wait for her out by her work
So do yourself a favour
Forget she exists
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This one has got a great melody Jack and I found myself singing along to it. As usual your harmony work is exceptional and hats off for that falsetto stuff. I'm reminded of The Moody Blues again which is a very good thing
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Hi Jack. This is a solid pop number with intelligent lyrics. I’m sure it will sit well with the rest of your album. I really loved the opening instrumental melody in the short intro and was slightly disappointed you didn’t use it again. Perhaps it could be overlayed again later in the song on the verse? Also if you wanted to be strict with editing you could end the song dead on 2.50 and it would be none the worse for it. Cheers Micky
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Another lovely song jack.
The lyrics are second to none.
You have this refreshing, always a pleasure to listen to.
In comparison to your other songs this one strikes me as more modest.
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Really nice guitar intro reminds me a bit of The Smiths in mellow mood. Nice attention grabbing narrative vocal too. The mood of the melody means it's a surprise that there's a darker side to the story, but no bad thing that.
I really liked that mid-point break off, quite dramatic.
The only thing I could suggest is when the final verse falsetto part comes in I think it would maybe benefit from a lower harmony to bolster it up a bit.
But yeah, cool pop song - and just right for the middle of an album. Good one! ;)
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Really nice one. As usual. You always have great melodies and production. I do have one suggestion for you to take or leave, as suits you. I'm always bothered when people use the word "that" to refer to people. Even though I do it myself sometimes. :P I would prefer to see/hear "who". Like here: "Sees a spy in everybody that looks at her" and here: "That wait for her out by her work". My preference would be to change those two "thats" to "who" Otherwise no nits.
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Great job Jack! Lovely melody, intriguing/interesting lyrics and story. Great vocal, nice to hear you take the chains off of the Ferrari and take that falsetto out for a spin. ;D
That’s exciting news about the album. Please let me know when it drops buddy, and best of luck with it all.
Leo ;D
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Jack,
Very good pop song here.
Just love the sweet melody of the 'do yourself a favour' lines.
It develops on its own little way with its chord changes, within with the pop idiom. Liking the vocals as ever, which allows you to follow the lyrics, which have a touch Ray Davies about them.
Instrumentation all present and correct, I particularly liked the musical hook of the meandering chorus guitars and the 80's bass.
Thoughts: I think the title is 'do yourself a favour' And perhaps you should redo the 'dont let lights go on', they sound too forced to me and out of keeping with the rest.
I'm hearing influences of the LA's, the Smith and the Cure.
Pallet cleaner it is, and good luck with the enterprise.
:)
neil
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For my taste your song could be in the Canterbury Scene style and I love that sound. Very nice. Mora
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Really nice hooky piece of work, shades of belle and sebastian in there for me.
Perhaps looking again at the falsetto section might be an idea. It doesn't sound bad, but is not as convincing as it could could be vocally.
Agree with @Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856), that the "do yourself a favour" is the bit that sticks in the ear and I would be tempted to change the title to that perhaps.
Other than that, just an enjoyable listen throughout.
Great stuff
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Hi,
Catchy, original and well played and produced. Not so keen on the falsetto vocal which reminded me a little of The Darkness' lead singer. Otherwise, easy to like.
M
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Thanks for listening everyone! And thanks for your feedback!
Cheers @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) and @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269)
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) Like the idea of adding harmonies. Been thinking of putting harmonies in places in the verses and then again for the high bit of the choruses. Thanks!
@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Have to admit I didn't even notice that grammar problem! I think I just automatically said what sounded most comfortable.
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Cheers Lostboy! I will definitely give you a shout when the album is done. It's getting very very close ;D
@Neil C (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18856) @tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) I get your point about the title. For quite a few of the songs on this album I have been coming up with the titles and THEN writing the songs, so when I titled this I didn't even know how the chorus was gonna sound. I will consider changing the title. But I have to admit 'Do yourself a favour' just seems like a title that is less memorable than She's In Deep. And yes Neil you are very right about the Smiths, huge influences especially on my guitars.
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) Thanks for the feedback! Have to be honest I love the lead singer of the Darkness so I'm comfortable with that hahaha
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) Have to admit I didn't even notice that grammar problem! I think I just automatically said what sounded most comfortable.
I doubt most people would consider it a grammar problem. I believe I have a language usage form of OCD. ;)
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Hi Jack,
Great sounding track, For me it has a Smiths Vibe, nothing at all wrong with that..
Great vocal as always, Like the clean guitar sounds you have there.....gives the track a very indie vibe.
Sounding cool here
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Hi Jack! Long time, no listening. It's a good song. You are a great musician and I hope all goes well with your album.
I'm not so found of the 'Forget she exists'-line. It doesn't follow melodic style that has it's fingerprints all over the song.
Maybe 'So forget all about her'?
I think this song goes more into handcrafted pop area and I suggest, if you're not familiar with the artists, for you to check out the (Swedish) bands/performers Hello Saferide and Jenny Wilson. They're made of solid gold.
All the best,
Martin
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Cool song reminds me on The smiths. May the start is a bit rugged.I like your singing and what you do with your voice, only the last part from 2.30 on I'm not 100% happy with the singing. Anyway a nice listen, well done.
Alexander
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Hey @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) - what a cool, catchy, pop song. I really loved it.. I also feel that harmonies would really enhance it - in the places you've noted.. Funny how tastes differ - I really like the "forget she exists line" - stuck out for me in a good way... Exciting to hear you've an album nearly complete. Good luck with it - quality stuff...
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Beautiful song.
I thought it was going to be like Talking Heads to start off, but then I got hints of There She Goes by the LA's.
Great singing.
Enjoyed this
Sandeep
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Yo Jack.
So good to hear your songs again.
You are a youth with the soul of the 60s deep inside. Don't change to all the others trying to be Ed Sheeran!
Could be on the radio in my world.
Good luck with the album man,but from what I hear you'll not need luck. ;)