The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Altair on July 31, 2018, 05:33:40 PM
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Hi!
I am a young (?) songwriter from Russia and I now I'm trying to write some lyrics in English for my songs. English is not my native language.
My music style is pop, indie-rock, ballads.
I’ll be very grateful if you read (proofread) my lyrics, show me any mistakes or give me any comments and recommendations (stylistics, rhyming, grammar, use of word, etc.) Maybe you say that something sounds bizarre and unnatural.
I am not very ambitious about that. I want to record a good demo in order to attract some attention, find companions and co-authors.
Sorry for a demo without vocals. Vocal line is shown with a sax voice.
https://soundcloud.com/user-72483902/release-demo
Thank you!
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RELEASE
(1)
You know, you know all my weakness
You can read all my thoughts
You are a casual witness
Of my failures and faults
When I get tired and injured
You are ready to help
When I have my panic seizures
You beat me back to myself
(Chorus)
(And now -)
Take my hand,
I ask you, please
I’m feeling numb,
Just help me to unfreeze
Can you feel
And calm my grief?
I need a gulp of air
To get relief
Everything you should release
Like a bird as a sign of peace
Like a bird as a sign of peace
(2)
My spirit wholly depends on
Your marks and your words
I need, I need your attendance (Var.: Before you make any sentence)
Give a chance of rebirth
This place is stuffed with gunpowder
And you are holding a fuse
Tonight it’s all in your power –
To execute or to excuse
(Chorus)
(Come on -)
Take my hand,
I ask you, please
I’m feeling numb,
Just help me to unfreeze
Can you feel
And calm my grief?
I need a gulp of air
To get relief
Everything you should release
Like a bird as a sign of peace
Like a bird as a sign of peace
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Hi! It looks nice overall, the one part that really stood out to me was this:
When I get tired and injured
You are ready to help
When I have my panic seizures
You beat me back to myself
"beat me" sounds violent and doesn't fit the rest of the song, so I would replace "beat" - maybe "You help me back to myself"? Then you have an extra rhyme in there with help/myself. Whatever you choose I would just keep it fitting with the rest of the song. Would love to hear it when it's done!
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Hi, Mella! :)
Thank you for your comment and your attention)
Yes, this phrase was under question for me too. I will change it into "You help me back to myself", as you said.
Thank you! ;)