The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: RealKevM on July 20, 2018, 11:54:39 AM
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Hi everyone, here's a rehearsal version of what i'm hoping to be my next single release towards the end of the year, If you would be so kind to have a short watch and listen and please let me know what you think. Any thoughts on structure or well anything would nbe really appreciated. As ever my voice is a work in progress, i'm well aware i'm not very good at singing lol
Lyrics
Here I am just trying to say
Everything that's come my way
And here I am still trying to do
Everything away from you
God only knows how long i've been waiting
For you to say to me
And God only knows how long i've been waiting
For you to set me free
Chorus
I can fly with these broken wings
I can touch my shattered dreams
I can climb high above
What ever I do is just enough
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Nice story. The only line I have a problem with is " For you to say to me"
Because it ends there. To me as reader, it creates a desire that isn't fulfilled.
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Hi Kevy,
I like the chord structure and the picking style on the verse, it is a nice contrast to the strumming in the chorus, I agree with the previous comment about the lyric line, maybe if you swapped the "set me free" line with it, the "say to me" would lead into the chorus lyrics and make more sense. could be another good song with a second verse.
Cheers, Mikey
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Nice one Mikey, top suggestion :)
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I like it! This is totally just a suggestion so feel free to disregard depending on what your goal for the song is:
Whenever a lyric has "everything we did" or "everything I said," etc, it tends to be so large that it's difficult to relate. I don't know what "everything" entails for you and your relationship, and my "everything" could be something entirely different. I find that getting a little more specific often helps. Instead of "everything that's come my way" - what specifically came your way? You moved to a different city? Changed your phone number? It sounds counterintuitive but I find that the more specific you get, the more relatable it is to more people. Just a thought, no need to change anything but maybe an idea for the future, I'd love to see some specific details!
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Hi Kev,
Got all the makings of a real nice tune, You write some nice lyrics, get thats srumming pattern locked and and the phrasing will slot in nicely.
Great work.
Andy
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I like it! This is totally just a suggestion so feel free to disregard depending on what your goal for the song is:
Whenever a lyric has "everything we did" or "everything I said," etc, it tends to be so large that it's difficult to relate. I don't know what "everything" entails for you and your relationship, and my "everything" could be something entirely different. I find that getting a little more specific often helps. Instead of "everything that's come my way" - what specifically came your way? You moved to a different city? Changed your phone number? It sounds counterintuitive but I find that the more specific you get, the more relatable it is to more people. Just a thought, no need to change anything but maybe an idea for the future, I'd love to see some specific details!
Thanks Melia i'm going to think of your post when i'm writing, great advice and I think it will help some of my lyrics be less generic.
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Hi Kev,
Got all the makings of a real nice tune, You write some nice lyrics, get thats srumming pattern locked and and the phrasing will slot in nicely.
Great work.
Andy
Thanks Andy, really encouraging :) I've changed the key it's in, it's finally dawned on my that i've been writing/singing in the wrong key..maybe i'm tone deaf I don't know ha! I'll do a reworked video on Thu maybe let you see how i'm getting on. Thanks once again :)
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Hi guys, i've been tweaking the song a little (some slight change to the lyrics leading into the chorus) and been playing it in a higher key. I think it sounds better and a little more suited to my ropey voice. Please have a watch and let me know what you think
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Whato kev
Sounds good to me, the higher key suits your voice
cpm
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Thank you Sir, I think so too but i'm still wayyy out lol
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Thank you Sir, I think so too but i'm still wayyy out lol
You are a bit off but that’s not your fault
Keep singing man, it’s really cool
Cpm
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Thank you :)