The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jambrains on June 15, 2018, 09:57:11 AM
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Been busy doing collabs with Karen and Leo lately but it's finally time for a Jambrains song. It is no secret I am a big fan of The Hooters and I guess that shines through in this one. Lyrically it features (once again) the couple known from Fade and 4th Of July.
All and any input welcome.
https://soundcloud.com/jambrains/without-you
I can still recall the playground
by the Wal-Mart parking lot
a browned-eyed girl with freckles
Hand in mine in our secret spot
We used to share a Mars bar
when it was all we could afford
This town was all we knew about
the world not yet explored
Now the ships are sailing
as the tide is turning
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
A Greyhound ticket
in my back pocket
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
Sitting on the railway bridge
where the trains no longer go
We watched the burning sunset
then jumped into the stream below
And later by the riverside
our jeans hung up to dry
I kissed you for the first time
beneath the starry sky
Now the ships are sailing
as the tide is turning
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
A Greyhound ticket
in my back pocket
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
You dropped out of high school
and I barely made it through
Cos who needs books and rulers
when the world's waiting for you
These days I work construction
and nights you work the bar
but our pockets are still empty
dreams only go so far
Now the ships are sailing
as the tide is turning
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
A Greyhound ticket
in my back pocket
but I just can not leave
not without you
without you
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Always a pleasure to hear your voice JB ;D ;D
Another well crafted song. Over the years I've watched/listened
to you slowly turn Irish ;D ;D ;D . You should get some gigs over
there, you'd make a fortune.......
Love your work mate....great song ;D
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Hi JB, reminded me a lot of the Pogues, you sound like Shane Mcgowan,but fortunately don't look like him ;) ;D. Liked the drum sound, what do you use? Nicely done! Excellent song.
Cheers
Jamie
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I didn't like this.
I LOVED IT! :D :D
Great lead vox ( as expected), quality lyrics - good story.
The vocal break was a nice surprise. Well judged harmonies.
The accordian got out of sync a couple places but maybe that's what accordians do..?
Just what I needed - a good JB song :D
Paul
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Hello!
This sounds really familiar. Like something I heard as a kid or something I heard when I was out drinking one night with my mates. I don't know which one. But I like this. It's got a nice vide to it. I will question your choice to use that melodica though, I think it doesn't really fit in the soundmix. I would use something less sharp, like a harmonica instead!
Great tune!
/Tommy
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Yo JB.
I've always loved the Hooters,Satellite was a brilliant song imo.
This encapsulates all the cool moves of that band and yet still sounds like Shane Magowan you. :D
Love it from the beginning to the end. A salutary lesson in great songwriting.
Made me want to listen to Johnny B again!
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Vocally, a bit less like Mr S McGowan actually, this time! There's those joyous Celtic harmonies on top of the strong melodic hooky chorus though. Because of that maybe you should have called on Dublin Karen? Would have suited it.
Overall, there would be no reason that this wouldn't be a very popular tune if it ever broke out. That chorus really does stick.
Nice wistful fade out idea.
Really good song. ;)
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Over the years I've watched/listened to you slowly turn Irish ;D ;D ;D .
Love your work mate....great song ;D
Thanks for the kind words @Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620) , any 'Irishness' I blame on Karen, think she has a bad influence on me ;D
Hi JB, reminded me a lot of the Pogues, you sound like Shane Mcgowan,but fortunately don't look like him ;) ;D. Liked the drum sound, what do you use? Nicely done! Excellent song.
Thanks @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125), think Shane actually got his teeth fixed a while back :). The drums are Steven Slate Drums, I have others incl EZDrummer 2 but the Slate sounds works best for me. Beats are a combination of JamStix and manual programming.
The accordian got out of sync a couple places but maybe that's what accordians do..?
Thanks for the great feedback @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241)! Any pointers as to where the according appear to be out of sync?
I will question your choice to use that melodica though, I think it doesn't really fit in the soundmix. I would use something less sharp, like a harmonica instead!
Thanks for taking the time to listen & comment @Tommy Blixt (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20176), much appreciated. The melodica is a sampled accordion and whether it fits or not, well, down to taste I guess :)
I've always loved the Hooters,Satellite was a brilliant song imo.
This encapsulates all the cool moves of that band and yet still sounds like Shane Magowan you. :D
Thanks Skub. My personal fav would probably be Karla with a K
There's those joyous Celtic harmonies on top of the strong melodic hooky chorus though. Because of that maybe you should have called on Dublin Karen? Would have suited it.
Thanks @MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274)! Yes, I was tempted to bring in Karen and her whistles on this one but decided not to mainly due to the lyrics being more US (Wal-Mart, Greyhound) and it is also part of a suite together with Fade and 4th Of July that have a US backdrop as well (State Patrool, 4th Of July, Prom etc)
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I did not like the first six seconds of the lead-in music. After that, I loved everything I heard. Went back to see what I didn't like about the first six seconds, and couldn't pin it down, but I do think the song is better off without it. Not sure why.
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I'm relaxed. Something of a nostalgic dream past, with the possibility of a future.
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This is great, its really catchy and has that cool folky rock vibe, well performed too, another great JB song.
Cheers, Mikey
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Yo Jam!!
This is a great catchy number mate! I love the slightly different direction you’ve gone musically. It’s a great pop song, great imagery in the lyrics aswell.
For me though, there were some timing issues in places that poked at my ears a little. (Sorry mate, I know we’re team mates and all that! ;) :D) I’m not 100%, but I think it’s the drums.
The following is where I noticed it....the intro, the fill at 0.37, the break at 1.09, the hits a touch late at 1.20 and at 2.48 one hits a little off.
I hope that’s of some use to you dude!! ;D
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Any pointers as to where the according appear to be out of sync?
In the intro (or is it the drums?) and around 1:52.
Maybe it isn't out of time - it could be just because it swells, it seems that way. Or it could be just me. It's a minor thing anyway - I shouldn't have mentioned it :D
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I really like this! It's a nice catchy pop-folk crossover. Love the Celtic style backing and the rhythm of the chorus. I have been singing it around the house for a while now. Can't say I heard the timing issues, but agree that the intro is lacking something. I'm not sure what, but if it was me I would have just started it with a snare crack and then in to the main full band intro.
The only big nitpick I have is lyrically. At first I thought the narrator was English, but the line "this town was all we knew about" makes me think not. In that case, I'm almost certain they don't have Mars Bars in the US. They call them Milky Ways. That stuck out to me straight away as an inconsistency and it takes away a little from the credibility of the lyrics.
Other than that, I think this piece really shines lyrically and has the perfect mix of nice imagery and storytelling to drive it along.
Yeah, good stuff.
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Hi great tune.
Love the Irish fusion, has hints of Springsteen too.
Excellent vocals and production.
A good listen.
Sandeep
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Oh yes, very Hooters! 8)
I have a soft spot for them (One Way Home would probably make it into my top ten albums) and this would fit right in with it.
I'll definitely be listening to this a few times. :D
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@hardtwistmusic (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19215), thanks for listening :)
I'm relaxed. Something of a nostalgic dream past, with the possibility of a future.
@paulnk: not sure I got that but I guess you enjoyed it :D
@Mikey (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20986): thank you for the kind words! :-)
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481), thanks mate. I'm 110% sure it's not the drums but I'll look into it, could be the tenor or the accordion (as pointed out by @Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) below). Or maybe just different taste :-)
The only big nitpick I have is lyrically. At first I thought the narrator was English, but the line "this town was all we knew about" makes me think not. In that case, I'm almost certain they don't have Mars Bars in the US. They call them Milky Ways. That stuck out to me straight away as an inconsistency and it takes away a little from the credibility of the lyrics.
Thanks @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) , the narrator is Swedish but was intended to be US (Wall-Mart, Greyhound etc). Here in Sweden we have both Mars and Milky Way that (to my taste at least) are quite different. Wikipedia says (my bold)
"The worldwide Mars bar differs from that sold in the US.[10] The American version was discontinued in 2002[11] and was replaced with the slightly different Snickers Almond featuring nougat, almonds, and a milk chocolate coating. Unlike the American Mars bar, however, Snickers Almond also contains caramel.[11] The US version of the Mars bar was relaunched in January 2010 and was initially being sold on an exclusive basis through Walmart stores. The European version of the Mars bar is also sold in some United States grocery stores. The US version was once again discontinued at the end of 2011.[citation needed] In September 2017, Ethel M Chocolates, a gourmet chocolate subsidiary of Mars, Inc. launched the 'original American recipe' of the Mars Bar in their stores and on Amazon.com.[12][13]
The international and Canadian Mars bars are very similar to the United States Milky Way bar, which Mars, Inc. also produces (not to be confused with the European version of Milky Way, which is similar to the United States' 3 Musketeers)."
@Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528): thanks for taking the time to listen and comment, much appreciated
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Really well produced and polished.
I like your voice
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Thanks @jacksimmons (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18881) , the narrator is Swedish but was intended to be US (Wall-Mart, Greyhound etc). Here in Sweden we have both Mars and Milky Way that (to my taste at least) are quite different. Wikipedia says (my bold)
"The worldwide Mars bar differs from that sold in the US.[10] The American version was discontinued in 2002[11] and was replaced with the slightly different Snickers Almond featuring nougat, almonds, and a milk chocolate coating. Unlike the American Mars bar, however, Snickers Almond also contains caramel.[11] The US version of the Mars bar was relaunched in January 2010 and was initially being sold on an exclusive basis through Walmart stores. The European version of the Mars bar is also sold in some United States grocery stores. The US version was once again discontinued at the end of 2011.[citation needed] In September 2017, Ethel M Chocolates, a gourmet chocolate subsidiary of Mars, Inc. launched the 'original American recipe' of the Mars Bar in their stores and on Amazon.com.[12][13]
The international and Canadian Mars bars are very similar to the United States Milky Way bar, which Mars, Inc. also produces (not to be confused with the European version of Milky Way, which is similar to the United States' 3 Musketeers).
Thanks for that! I now seriously fancy a Mars Bar!! Haven't had one for years but I'm feeling the urge to have one - you do know I'm diabetic don't you?!! o_O
Back to the song: I've listened to this over a dozen times now and it sounds more and more Hootersish every time! :D
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Hi,
Great, catchy, folky feel-good song. A hint of Deacon Blue to the vocal. Loved the instrumentation and the little unexpected twists to the rhythm.Extremely well crafted piece of music and a very compelling listen.
M