The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Tommy Blixt on June 12, 2018, 07:02:39 PM
-
I listen alot to "Bodys" by Car Seat Headrest. I was sitting one night after I listend to it again for the 20:th time and started playing guitar for a song I had started to write. I had this rifff (sort of) stuck on my mind. It was something else. I did manage to get it out pretty much intact I think personally. So this song was made on a wiff. I was lucky enough to actually get it somewhat. Anyways.. Here it is
https://soundcloud.com/knownastymm/the-flames-will-kill-us-both
Lyrics:
Downtown strolls in the evening
I guess that's just my luck
The rain never felt so beautiful
So I guess that it's okey
To be alone here for a while
WATCHING YOU FROM THE STREETLIGHTS
THINKING YOU UNDRESS FOR ME
LAST NIGHT I SAW YOU WITH ANOTHER MAN
I LIKED YOU
I liked you
i liked you
Freinds at the bar are meaningless
So I don't talk to anyone
I write a little poem in my secret book
The flames will kill us both
That's the title... of the poem
feeling so fly
never surrender
but I'm caught in a lie
think I'm going under
AS I DANCE AT THE TOP OF YOUR BUILDING
THE FLAMES WILL EAT YOU WHOLE
OOOOHHH
THE FLAMES DID EAT YOU WHOLE
AND PERHAPSSS I SHOULD JOIN YOU IN YOUR WARM EMBRACE
THE FLAMES SHOULD EAT US BOTH
YEAAAAH
THE FLAMES SHOULD EAT US BOTH
-
Kinda eerie, really. Pretty dark for a romantic song, but that suits it, since the protagonist is lusting after someone who is not responding? Doesn't know him? Doesn't know he exists? I get an impression of a stalker who is plotting mayhem against her because she is unattainable. That's how it sounds to me. From that perspective, it works for me. The singer sounds a little off-kilter, which is suitable. I have no suggestions for improvement.
Vicki
-
Kinda eerie, really. Pretty dark for a romantic song, but that suits it, since the protagonist is lusting after someone who is not responding? Doesn't know him? Doesn't know he exists? I get an impression of a stalker who is plotting mayhem against her because she is unattainable. That's how it sounds to me. From that perspective, it works for me. The singer sounds a little off-kilter, which is suitable. I have no suggestions for improvement.
Vicki
Yes, I had a image of a crazed stalkerguy who follows his victim during the nights. He doesn't really know he is following her, which is why he is thinking rather normally about his walk in the rain.
Thank you for listening and taking the time to comment :)
-
Really beautiful. I love the story. It's really creepy. Everything about this really appeals to me. Your singing is gorgeous. Wow the ending is fantastic. I am reminded a bit of Robert Smith. Really great song. I hope you do well with it. It's fantastic.
Lynn
-
totally concur with Red Hodie. What a fabulous vocal delivery. Absolutely top drawer. Elevates the song to something pretty damn special. with a voice like that your operating at a base level far higher than most.
-
Hi Tommy
Nice to hear some dynamics in a song - everything is so compressed these days :D
As others have said, nice vox and creepy lyrics that work perfectly together.
Love the guitar riff that keeps coming back!
Paul
-
Hello!
not had the pleasure to listen to anything by you before, but I loved this. It’s haunting, but still with a lovely vocal melody. Your vocal delivery is really interesting and impressive. Your trills and pronunciation sound vulnerable and real. Sort of reminds me of Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes. And the whole song is like an electro Elliot Smith.
What initially drew me in was the lyrics, which are great. The story is sinister, but portrayed in such a way that I was hooked throughout. Not entirely sure on first listen as to the specifics of the story. But I’m happy to have to listen again.
Followed you on SoundCloud. Look forward to hearing more.
-
Nice track Tommy,
Not totally my thing but I liked it, your Vocal is really cool on this.
The track flowed along nice, like the breakdown section you put in, just gave us a little break then right back in.
Cool track
-
Whato
This is a real gem, intricate vocal delivery, great range, so glad to hear the exposed guitar, not many want to leave a guitar alone like that, so it shouldn't be taken for granted that it's in tune.
Real Robert Smith vibe in here, and very welcome indeed.
ideas? well the intial doubling of the LVox sat nicely at the begining, perhaps do it the same at the end, also maybe put more thwack on the snare.
At the think I'm going under, could have something wierd going on, maybe some news strange items? just ideas really...
Excellent work.
hope this helps
cpm
-
Well now. You have an utterly amazing voice. The theme is very unsettling but the song is incredible - very original and atmospheric. Brilliant work crafted deep and dark, not my normal cup of sweet milky tea. But good art is good art. Very clever and affecting, shared on soundcloud.
-
Thank you everybody for taking the time to listening and giving feedback. I didn't find much negative feedback, which I always appriciate, but more positive. I think it's every artists job to critic themselves, but you guys make it hard, haha.. Thank you again.
/Tommy
-
Yo Tommy.
This is really cool.
You build a real,creepy atmosphere with great lyrical imagery.
I hear influences from Radiohead to the Cure,but never derivative,it's a truly original piece.
Loved it. 8)
-
Great title. Neat chords on the intro and love that first line. Eerie guitar and like the big vocal jumps.
Creep up on you insistently on second play, a real indie grower
:)
neil
-
Me too, I've really liked all the stuff of yours I have heard. It's always slightly left field and weird and very indie, never predictable or boring.
It's all been said already but super vocals here and some nice unusual touches like the drums fading back in and being very understated. Whacko scarey lyrics work well too... I like the way the protagonist isn't really revealed as a psychopath until late in the song, and how it starts out like a conventional love song. Top work.