The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Jenna on June 12, 2018, 01:55:48 AM
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Let me know what you think. This one definitely came with its own melody. I hope I can get it down before it disappears:
When I Met You
As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as soft as the wind on their leaves
Is how your touch affects me
As I drift into a dream.
Your gaze it washes over me like
The steady rain outside our door
I take in the beauty that surrounds me
And my thoughts set to wondering
how I could ever want for more
Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
When love existed only for the blind
You've brought to life
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom
When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.
All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between friends and lovers
I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die
When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon
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Hi Jenna
It's good and so is the concept/title.
But here I go again whining about wanting to see the hook sooner!
I'm such a pain in the ass! :o :o
Don't bore us - get to the chorus!
The chorus is really good too!
Don't make us wait!
Paul
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Easily fixed. Good point!
When I Met You
As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as soft as the wind on their leaves
Is how your touch affects me
As I drift into a dream.
Your gaze it washes over me like
The steady rain outside our door
I take in the beauty that surrounds me
And my thoughts set to wondering
how I could ever want for more
When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon
Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
When love existed only for the blind
You've brought to life
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom
When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.
All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between friends and lovers
I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die
When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon
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It's all good, but I'll just throw in a possibility that may fall into place as you develop the music.
Maybe the title line 'When I met you' becomes stronger if not repeated 4 times.
And starting the lines with 'Truth' and 'Healed' could feel more powerful.
But it depends how the music evolves.
I tend to play around with melody, rhythm and words and don't know for certain until I actually hear it.
When I met you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.
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Noted. Thank you. I see a few other wording changes I'd like to make, too.
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Ha - now I'm seeing this as a possibility - bringing 'sunrise' and 'moon' closer and altering where the rhymes fall:
When I met you, I met the sunrise
Meeting you, I owned the moon
When I met you, truth came in disguise
Meeting you, healed my deepest wounds
Just more grist for the mill.........
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I like it. Updated to reflect your first suggestion. Working on the second. Very helpful. Thank you.
When I Met You
As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as gentle as the wind whispers on their leaves
Is how your touch feels to me as I drift into a dream.
Your gaze it washes over me like
That steady rain outside our door
Drinking in this beauty surrounding me
how I could ever want for more
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
I own the moon
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds
Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
Love existed only where I'm blind
You've brought to life
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
I own the moon
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds
All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between best of friends and lovers
I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
Truth shined through your eyes
Meeting you
My dusty dreams came true
Meeting you
I own the moon
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Great - the chorus feels strong now.
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The latest rewrite to touch up the imagery and prosody.
Smooth as birds soar
through the trees and
Soft as wind on
Whispering leaves
Caresses warm as spring breeze
Thawing icy mountain streams
Tingles overwhelm my knees
Weaken me to the core
With all this bliss surrounding me
I could never want for more
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
heals my deepest wounds
Loving you
I crash into the skies
Wrapped up with you
I own the moon
Reflecting on old memories
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of cold faded days
Love lived where I was blind
Awakening dead dreams inside
Gifting life with meaning
We walk this road hand in hand
With purpose and in freedom
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
Heals my deepest wounds
Loving You
I crash into the sky
Wrapped in your arms
I own the moon
Winding years sail so fast
Braving life together
Our love bursting tight-sewn seams
Between best of friends and lovers
Closing my eyes I breathe your smile
My heart takes wing and flies
Hypnotic and enchanting
Our love will never die
Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
heals my deepest wounds
Loving you
I crash into the sky
Wrapped up in you
I own the moon
Loving you
My heart takes wing and flies
Loving you
I own the moon
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Really good!
But now you need to rename it "I Own the Moon" which is a better title anyway :D
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It's cool and I think the tweaks have really brought it along. The only thing that really caught my eye was "my heart takes wing and flies... our love will never die" - little bit overused I think and a shame when you have found new ways all through the rest.
How about some Moon related references, e.g. my heart lands in Tranquility... our love lives in Serenity... (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_maria_on_the_Moon)
Just a thought...
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Great suggestions. My biggest worry is that the melody is going to sound cliche. I'll work on the lines in questions. It's in my DAW titled I own the moon. I like that title better, too.
I see so many ways to rewrite it's clogging the mind:
Closing my eyes I breathe your smile
My heart sings lullabies
Hypnotic and enchanting
A love that purifies
or
My rocket heart flames bright
or
My heart just liquifies
or
I see dancing dragonflies
or
this love song amplifies
or
unifies, intensifies, solidifies
Decisions, decisions. I must be indecisive today. Maybe not a good day to put my mind to this task.
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No big long detailed crit here, I'm afraid. This is lovely. Beautiful images painted with words. I agree with all the changes so far, and I think it's wonderful. I can't wait to hear it.
Vicki
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No big long detailed crit here, I'm afraid. This is lovely. Beautiful images painted with words. I agree with all the changes so far, and I think it's wonderful. I can't wait to hear it.
Vicki
<3 Thank you, doll. I can't wait to get through this part and put it to music.
I think I'm going to go with "my heart sings lullabies" and "dancing dragonflies." They seem to fit the rest of the song best. The heart singing lullabies might not be so unique, but I like how it fits the rest of that verse.
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Could it be I've got Alzheimers? I'd have sworn that I already responded to this lyric and you wondered if I could do a sample vocal melody????
Maybe I accidentally hit delete instead of modify???
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Could it be I've got Alzheimers? I'd have sworn that I already responded to this lyric and you wondered if I could do a sample vocal melody????
Maybe I accidentally hit delete instead of modify???
LOL! Not at all! There are two threads. Sorry for the confusion. It was one of those board blips when I posted. I wonder if there's a way they can be merged into one thread to avoid any further confusion? How do I tag an admin for a fix?