The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Sterix on June 09, 2018, 11:58:33 AM
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Just wrote this. Nice tune in my head - quite lively for me!
ALONE
VERSE
I want to come home tonight
Don't want to be alone tonight
My nose was out of joint
I tried to make a point
But only made a fool of myself
I've always been the kind of man
Who never had a back-up plan
Each choice devoid of thought
So easy to get caught
Up in the moment. So I fell
CHORUS
I fell so very far
The pieces of my heart
Were scattered all around
And suddenly I found
That if I didn't change
I'd always be this way
I'd always be alone
I'm tired of playing games
That always end the same
You slipping through my hands
And time is marching on
I need to break these chains
If I'm ever to change
And stop being alone
VERSE
I always thought I knew my mind
But all this time I've been so blind
I drifted through the years
By hiding from my fears
Pretending I was strong and tough
I didn't see the danger signs
A life become a pantomime
But suddenly the truth
Came crashing through my roof
It's time to change. I've had enough
CHORUS
I fell so very far
The pieces of my heart
Were scattered all around
And suddenly I found
That if I didn't change
I'd always be this way
I'd always be alone
I'm tired of playing games
That always end the same
You slipping through my hands
And time is marching on
I need to break these chains
If I'm ever to change
And stop being alone
EXTRA
It's gotten out of hand
My world is crashing down on me
No one wants a shadow when they need someone to hold
It's time to make a stand
I'm tired of this insanity
If I don't free this heart of mine from this shell of stone
I'll always be alone
INSTRUMENTAL
UP OCTAVE
CHORUS
I fell so very far
The pieces of my heart
Were scattered all around
And suddenly I found
That if I didn't change
I'd always be this way
I'd always be alone
I'm tired of playing games
That always end the same
You slipping through my hands
And time is marching on
I need to break these chains
If I'm ever to change
And stop being alone
CHORUS
I fell so very far
The pieces of my heart
Were scattered all around
And suddenly I found
That if I didn't change
I'd always be this way
I'd always be alone
I'm tired of playing games
That always end the same
You slipping through my hands
And time is marching on
I need to break these chains
If I'm ever to change
And stop being alone
SOFTLY
CHORUS
It's time to realise
I'm nothing but a lie
There is a price to pay
For living life this way
But if it's not too late
To learn from my mistakes
Will you let me atone?
I know you think I'm vain
I can't argue against
That. Please give me the chance
To show you a new man
Who will not cut and run
Who will not set your sun
You'll never be alone...
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Hi Sterix
Good name for a song and you positioned the hook nicely at the end of the chorus.
I thought the first two verses were strong, but the chorus stuff about a heart shattering into pieces is maybe too well worn a path for me. The other nit I have is - it suffers a bit from "eye trouble". I lost count at 40 I's in this and it makes it seem a bit self-indulgent. Maybe consider changing to second person?
It's a good start - just needs more work IMHO.
Paul
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Thanks Paulski.
I'm happy enough with it at the moment that I don't want to do any major rewriting of it, like changing the pronoun (would change the meaning to be honest which is meant to be introspective). I try not to do any major rewrites until I've come back to the song at least a year or more later. When I've forgotten it and come back to it with fresh eyes. Besides, this was just a little something off the cuff in between my current mission - you wouldn't believe how many songs and part songs I've going through at the moment, either touching up, rewriting totally, or finishing off half-written ones. There's hundreds of the buggers!
I could probably swap out a couple of Is (I'm guessing you really HATE Savage Garden's Affirmation! :P ) for now. I may have a quick look over the weekend.
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Hi Sterix - plenty of good stuff here - I especially liked the pantomime line.
I'd have to agree that the verses are better than the chorus. I actually much preferred the final chorus over the other one and think it might be worth seeing whether you could base it around that one. Why? I think because the despair and emotion are more palpable. The other one just says much more directly "I'm heartbroken" which doesn't connect so well.
Anyhow, I know you're not angling for major changes, so just some thoughts to consider, or not!
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Wonderful flow and cadence. I easily found a vocal melody to sing it on the first read through, and could have found several others if I were to wish to. TOTALLY ready to accept music and vocals.
It did get terribly long for a song with any hope of commercial success, but if you're not writing for that purpose, it is totally ok to be long.
I did not notice the numerous "I" references. I tend to agree with someone making that criticism, but since I didn't even notice it, I'd have to say that (for me) it's a non-problem.