The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: RealKevM on June 05, 2018, 09:22:47 AM
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Hello! This is a new song i'm currently writing, I would really appreciate it if anyone would take the time to have a listen and offer any pointers. I'm pretty happy with the lyrics i'm after some help on the phrasing for the verses to help it stand out and have some emotion and where to go between the chorus back into the verse. And anything else :)
Lyrics
In the room
I fall apart
Hear that boom
That's my heart
In this town
There's no waves
Hear my sound
Time for change
Chorus
When you're falling from the sky
Take my hand
We'll learn to fly
When i'm drowning lost at sea
Take your hand
and rescue me
2nd verse
When it's dark
On your knees
There's a spark
Here's a dream
When the trust
You've ever known
Turns to dust
It's time to go
Chorus
&feature=youtu.be
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Here's a snippet you may or may not be able to do something with: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/rescue-me/s-Z1MNM. I'm into prosody, so I always like to try to make the music match the words, like the "falling" pattern for the word "falling".
I stayed in your key, but I didn't use the exact same chords in the same places. In fact, I don't think I used F#mat all.
If it doesn't work for you, no worries and don't feel bad, or anything. It's just a bit for you to make use of, if you can. No obligations implied.
Tag me when you're done with it and I'll delete it.
Vicki
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These are the information I'm looking for looking for it.
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Here's a snippet you may or may not be able to do something with: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/rescue-me/s-Z1MNM. I'm into prosody, so I always like to try to make the music match the words, like the "falling" pattern for the word "falling".
I stayed in your key, but I didn't use the exact same chords in the same places. In fact, I don't think I used F#mat all.
If it doesn't work for you, no worries and don't feel bad, or anything. It's just a bit for you to make use of, if you can. No obligations implied.
Tag me when you're done with it and I'll delete it.
Vicki
Hi Vicki thank you so much for taking the time to do this I really appreciate it. You have a wonderful voice.
I really like what you've done with the chorus, the phrasing is excellent it's a really great help.
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I think a bit of variation in the length of lines might do wonders - even in the chorus you're phrasing the two longer lines:
When you're falling from the sky
Take my hand
We'll learn to fly
When i'm drowning lost at sea
Take your hand
and rescue me
in exactly the same way as every other line (you're splitting those long lines into two short lines). With the guitar strumming pattern matching this rhythm there's little development or contrast within the song. Try and make those two long lines single lines, maybe use Vicki's melody, or a new one of your own.
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Cheers delboy, I think I get what you mean :)
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Hi RealKev,
This has legs, I listened to Vicky's and yours, and I prefer yours, but you could use Vicky's line for colour, or as a HVox idea, (by accident I had them both going at the same time and there was definitely something there....
I also rather liked the noise in the background, gave the song a sense of tension, appropriate to the title of the song.
The vocal could benefit with a bit of passion, rescue rather implies desparation, and it might benefit from some passion, take a listen to 'Forgive Me' by the australian singer Missy Higgins, that might help....now that's desparate...
Hope this helps.
cpm
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Thank you kind sir, a great help. The song is really so has evolved over the past week or so. Definitely taking your comments on board, thank you so much.
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Thank you kind sir, a great help. The song is really so has evolved over the past week or so. Definitely taking your comments on board, thank you so much.
Kev
Your'e welcome man, I'll assist wehre I can.
I really dig your way with music, it's honest, fresh and really cool. Keep writing, and a real diamond will grow from it, trust me...You'll know when it comes, you'll get an aural shiver down your spine...but the thing is so will the folk that listen to it.
cpm
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You're the best.
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Hi Kev
you've definitely got something there - I like the lyric.
I notice that you are singing most of the chorus in 7/4 time, rather than the 4/4 of the verse. Wasn't sure if that was intentional but it does add to the song by making it more unexpected, is quite unusual compared to most songs, and I like the way the last 2 lines of the chorus revert to 4/4. If you did a fuller arrangement later (drums etc), that would be a rhythm you could accentuate.
A good start!
Dave
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Cheers Dave, it wasn't intentional i'm just a bit clueless at times lol.
The song is evolving nicely, I played it live for the first time on Saturday.
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Hi Kev
How did it go down with the audience?
How has it developed?
cpm
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@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) I'm sorry I missed this (over a year ago!) :( It went down ok, I like the song but not really played it live since I think my vocals aren't strong enough to deliver the chorus i want