The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: cowparsleyman on May 09, 2018, 07:58:36 PM
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Here's a song about our favourite place to go for a day by the Shore, there is nothing there but a beach toilet and place to buy ice creams....Hope you like it.
Driving down the Beach today
100 miles or so
Shells and Sea and clear blue sky
Today's the day to go
Found a spot
Nice enough
sorted right away
Coolbox down,windbreak up
Dinghies in the Bay
Sun
(heat me up)
Sea
(Such a shimmer)
Sky
(Today is me and you)
Fell asleep for an hour or so
Woke to find you gone
pickin' up shells with barefeet on
Return before too long
Packing up is such a chore
Towels all in a flap
Mallet, poles, papa's crocks
let's get heading back.
Ch
Solo etc.
Ch
Ends at 2:30 - sorry (it was recorded a few years ago)
There's also a plaque to a poor little boy called Jake Parker that died in the treacherous tide there, what an awful drive home for his parents, I can't imagine how it must have been, un packing his sandy sandals and emptying his un-eaten picnic.
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Yo cowparsleyman.
The overall style of the song appeals to me. I love folk to sing with their own accent,I always think it puts their individual stamp on a song.
Back in the day it was people such as Ray Davies,Syd Barrett and Bowie who championed this and thus allowed later artists like Blur to exploit the option.
The harmonies on the 'sun/sea sky parts added very much to the 60s vibe,which again connected with my nostalgia gene.
Very enjoyable listen.
Charming and unaffected. I may have left out that last 'ooh',but then again,it could be part of the innocent charm. :D
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Lovely sunny summer vibe @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) I like this as it has a huge dose of honesty and raw feel which I think is so important in a song. Loved the vocals with a bit of growl and great BV's which are one of my favourite things :)
No need to amend / extend imo. It's just a great toon
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Hi CPM,
That's a shiny upbeat feel good track you have there. I particularly like the way the chorus is (mostly) just three one-syllable words sung on the same note... that contrast with the busier verses works well. Enjoyed the guitar solo too.
Enjoyed it lyrically too, it paints an evocative picture of your day at the seaside. If I could offer one suggestion it would just be to tidy up the tenses in the lyrics... sometimes it's in the present (driving down, today's the day, let's get heading), sometimes its in the past (found a spot, fell asleep); not a big deal but I couldn't tell if you were expressing a memory or recounting it as it happens. I dig the stream of innocent images though, many people will relate to them. I'll check out Brancaster on the map. Sun's out here so I'll be listening to this again on my walk to work.
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Thanks for the listen folk...
Brancaster is on the north coast of Norfolk, really tucked away, the car park attendant used to sit in a quilted caravan, he's still there many years later, he'll tell you the tide times too.
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) - Thanks Mr X - Yip your'e right I guess I should pay attention to those things, sometimes my words just splurge out onto the page via my pencil, without to much thought of the grammar, I thought about this for a bit, and it appears that I'm recounting different parts of the day...Todays the day...in the morning....fell asleep for an hour...later int he afternoon, after my picnic of cold chicken and a boiled egg, packet of salt and vinegar...lets get heading back, sunburn and sandy towels...Really chuffed you liked it. btw my favourite Sunny Day song is by Ralph McTell and is called 'One Sunny Day' - I play it on my walk to work along the river, and it just doesn't sound right on a cloudy day..
With the Chorus, I wanted the main things about my day out to be held (accentuated), while the description of them was in the the BVox, it kinda worked...
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) - Thanks for your opinion, and comments, really appreciate them.
@skub - Cheers Man, I'm just a guitarist that sings a bit, don't think my voice is any good, but if others like it that's fine. I can't/don't want to sing in a different accent, if I want an American accent I get an American to sing.
Never thought that it was a '60's vibe, but I kinda see that now.
...and Billy Bragg
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Hi Cowparsleyman I enjoyed this a nice reminiscing song that that takes you back.lovely and cheerful but makes me sad a bit because you know them days are gone - childhood memories (are we there yet - nicely sung as well ) really nice song and story
Good guitars and rhythm as well bounces along nicely
Thanks Katie xxx
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@Katie Wilson (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21305) - Thanks for the comments, Katie; those days aren't gone, one can always go to the Shore and drop ice creams in the sand, never to old to be always young.
Glad you like the axes, bounces like a fishing boat on a choppy Sea.
cpm
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Hi @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) , well I hoped you managed to get there last Bank Holiday Monday, which was gorgeous weather, an occasional occurrence in the UK it seems - but this track would be a great accompaniment to such days.
I particularly like how you have used those single lined chorus elements around which to add your harmony counter melody, plus I think that solo is pretty cool too.
The song really bounces along after the beat kicks in post Chorus1, and perhaps my only comment on structure would be as the song is only short, maybe it needs to kick in right from the start - make it a short and snappy summer blast, start to finish. Just a thought, of course, and I'm sure others may feel differently. But yes, I enjoyed this one, right on the money for what you set out to do!
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@MichaelA - Nope, I didn't manage to get to Brancaster, I sat in the Garden and stared at the hole in the Ozone layer. I think the thought of being snarled up in the Tescos queue of cars all looking for solitude kinda puts me off.
Glad you like the piece. I guess it is short, just before I'm happy with a master, I try it a bit faster, and very often it sits much better, from OK to toe-tapping, or with EDM tunes dance-worthy.
It does seem to get played in the car on the 2 sunny days we get here....
Thanks again Michael
cpm
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Nice one, CPM. Hints of the Beach Boys with the harmonies, but you kept it fresh and your own. Liked the guitar solo. Think everything works great on this one. Especially like the Sun Sky Sea part and the harmonies a lot. Definitely makes me want to go to the beach!
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@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) - Thanks very much, really appreciate it, don't get burnt...
cpm
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@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) - Thanks very much, really appreciate it, don't get burnt...
cpm
Words to live by. Haha.
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Liked this one a lot Cowparsleyman. Its simple unpretentious songwriting. You should nof apologise for the length. It's the perfect length. Breezy, jolly and infectious. Great work. No nits
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@mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) - Gee thanks Micky - so pleased you liked it, How did you know, it's always breezy there, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Sea would be infectious... :)
I couldn't think of a way to make it longer...
Thanks again
cpm
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Great stuff - it's just a good song. Everything hangs together and it conveys a scene and a feeling really effectively.
I would say I'm not a huge fan of "day-ee-yay" and "go-oh-woh" phrasing, just a small thing. But also a choice and perhaps gives it a more retro feel which really suits.
Nice!
(Surely one or two more "s"s missing from the chorus? Maybe for the punk drum challenge ... ;-)
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@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - Thanks very much for your comments, glad you caught the vibe of the Day, every sunny day there is a like the song, so I guess it's easy to write.
What would you substitute the go-oh-woh with, I might just go-oh-woh with your idea, as I too think it's a bit cheesy, and a straight gooooo might sound a bit flat?
Hmmm what starts with S on the beach...Can I invite you as a co-lyricist to add the extra lines...
I'm right up fort he punk drum challenge, but I fear I'm out of time for that now, I'll do the next one, just to say it wouldn't be anything like punk...but some other genre.
cpm
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Great summery vibe and a really nice listen.
Super guitar solo in the middle there as well.
Horrible story about the lost child though. Funny how different the lyrics read after seeing that at the end of your post...
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@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) - Thanks very much for the listen, and the compliment about my solo, I think it was then I started looking into that style of solo, I think it's kinda Country and Western sort of thing, I just wanted to see if I could do it...Do you know 'The Claw' by Jerry Donahue?, now that's a guy who can play...
I was there not long before it happened, I felt like I didn't deserve to have such a nice day. I always spare a thought for him when I go there, so many folk don't enough look at his memorial plaque, as they curse the queue for the toilets or the price of a magnum...
Hope you enjoy Jerry.
cpm
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Do you know 'The Claw' by Jerry Donahue?, now that's a guy who can play...
Ooohh...I don't know that. He has some really tidy finger work going on. Wow!
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I'd be happy just to have his sense of rhythm
cpm
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Hmmm what starts with S on the beach...
Sand of course, not what you were thinking of...!
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Could have been one of these
Sellafield
Sh*te
Stupid
Sharp
Scorchio
Scher-wing
Schofferhoffer
Sainsburys disposable barbeque, but that's kinda tricky to rhyme, maybe @redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) could fit it in...
etc....
cpm
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Hi,
What a lovely song.
You paint a great picture with your lyrics and the vocal delivery is spot on!
Johnny :)
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Could have been one of these
Sellafield
Sh*te
Stupid
Sharp
Scorchio
Scher-wing
Schofferhoffer
Sainsburys disposable barbeque, but that's kinda tricky to rhyme, maybe @redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) could fit it in...
etc....
cpm
Oh, it would be a very different song if I had at it. I'd ruin it. Here's a segment of my beach song:
"The kid twirled his whistle around on a string
He didn't notice you were drowning"
Haha.
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Thats brilliant Lynn, please finish it...
cpm
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What would you substitute the go-oh-woh with?
There are a few options:
- choose a note and stick to it (usually sounds better than you think - in verse 1 you could go with the 2 note like the first "so")
- let the instruments finish of the musical idea (often they do anyway)
- use BVs to fill in the gap (e.g. oh-oh or repeating the end of the phrase - "to go" etc. - in verse 2 and the verse 1 repeat this would work I think)
Just some ideas (keep or sweep as they say)!
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Thanks Adam
Sandy tops, sorry Handy tips (couldn't resist it...from the misheard lyrics...
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Good Morning cowparesleyman,
Lovely tune. Very cheeeeeesy music :) Keep up with a good work, nice track!
Best Regards,
Slava B.
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Good Morning cowparesleyman,
Lovely tune. Very cheeeeeesy music :) Keep up with a good work, nice track!
Best Regards,
Slava B.
Yeah I agree, really cheesey, cheesier that a lump of Cheddar in a cheese fondue, it just came out that way. But you're right...
Regards
cpm
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Good Morning cowparesleyman,
Lovely tune. Very cheeeeeesy music :) Keep up with a good work, nice track!
Best Regards,
Slava B.
Yeah I agree, really cheesey, cheesier that a lump of Cheddar in a cheese fondue, it just came out that way. But you're right...
Regards
cpm
A ha ha ;D ;D ;D ;D