The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on May 08, 2018, 12:58:01 AM
-
Hi Guys,
This is something a bit different from me; just me and my acoustic guitar singing a love song. If you like that sort of thing, please have a listen.
We have another version of this song started already with my band mates, with the same lyrics but a totally different feel. I'll post it in two weeks. Any feedback you want to give is much appreciated, especially if it held your attention and if you like it or not and why.
Thanks so much,
Lynn
Listen to If He's Happy by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/if-hes-happy
If He's Happy
He has your back
He sings you songs
He gives you his soul
He makes you whole
He gives you his gifts
He tells you his secrets
He's there when you need him
And you always need him
But if he needs to go away you let him go
Because if he's happy, he won't want to go
He gives you bright colors
And he writes you words
He's often funny
But rarely absurd
You don't always get him
But he shows you his way
He makes you better
And work feels like play
But if you need to go away he'll let you go
Because if you're happy, you won't want to go
Because if he's happy, he won't want to go
-
Very much my cup of tea, and looking forward to hearing the full band version. May be the effect you were going for, but you strip back some of the lyrics to help create a more relaxed scan. For example:
He has your back
He sings you songs
Gives you his soul
And he makes you whole
He gives you gifts
Tells you his secrets
He's there when you need him
And you always need him
A few extra syllables is good to mix things up, but I'd limit it to the last two lines of each verse. A mid 8 or instrumental section might also be an idea. And I love the voice; you singvlike an angel.
-
Like the guitar key changes and melody catchy you.
Thoughts; I'd like to hear the main vocal on its own and some of the lines sound rushed especially the 2nd verse so as TfZ said I'd do some pairing down.
Anyway it help my attention and I liked it as it had a simple home spun charm.
:)
neil
-
I enjoyed listening to this.
The harmonizing is necessary here because of the line crunching.
I'd never try the line-crunch but you get away with it here.
It's very difficult for me to write a simple love song, I'll pull it off one day though.
Nice song.
-
Very nice!, I like the simplicity of it, and the vocals are great, I like the way the backing vocals come in and out to emphasize the different parts of the song, and they sound great too. Some nice guitar playing too.
Cheers, Mikey
-
Have to agree there are a few extra syllables here that detract from the atmosphere (you-his, won't-wanna).
I wondered whether "rarely absurd" should be "sometimes absurd" or similar - that might fit better with the "not always getting" and shows the person also has flaws...
I'd like to hear this without the second voice in the verses - it sounds "nice" but I think it could be more impactful and emotional with just one voice. Harmonies in the chorus are great.
But the potential is definitely here - so curious to hear the full band version...
-
Yo Lynn.
The guitar with the capo up at the 6th fret gives the song a breezy,summer,'Here Comes the Sun' jangly feel.
It's a change from your usually darker and more melancholic songs.
The others have mentioned the metering of some of the lines. You could alter things to make the lyrics flow better,but on the other hand,it gives the song a little eccentricity. I don't mind either. I wouldn't try to sing it the way you do,but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get away with it at all!
It's a good solid song,it works as it is,charming and quirky,or could translate well in a band situation.
-
Very much my cup of tea, and looking forward to hearing the full band version. May be the effect you were going for, but you strip back some of the lyrics to help create a more relaxed scan. For example:
He has your back
He sings you songs
Gives you his soul
And he makes you whole
He gives you gifts
Tells you his secrets
He's there when you need him
And you always need him
A few extra syllables is good to mix things up, but I'd limit it to the last two lines of each verse. A mid 8 or instrumental section might also be an idea. And I love the voice; you singvlike an angel.
Thanks so much! I just want to point out the difference between the meaning of the lines "he gives you his gifts" and "he gives you gifts". The way I sang it, "his gifts" I'm referring not to material gifts, but intellectual and spiritual gifts, the gift of his love. So while I see the point of removing extraneous syllables, "his gifts" is really important to meaning of the song to me.
"He gives you gifts" sounds like he's given me a ring or a new vacuum cleaner. Haha.
Thanks so much for saying I sing like an angel. I'm blushing.
Like the guitar key changes and melody catchy you.
Thoughts; I'd like to hear the main vocal on its own and some of the lines sound rushed especially the 2nd verse so as TfZ said I'd do some pairing down.
Anyway it help my attention and I liked it as it had a simple home spun charm.
:)
neil
Thanks Neil!
The other version has a slightly different melody and I think the extra words might flow better. I hope you'll let me know what you think when I post it.
I enjoyed listening to this.
The harmonizing is necessary here because of the line crunching.
I'd never try the line-crunch but you get away with it here.
It's very difficult for me to write a simple love song, I'll pull it off one day though.
Nice song.
Thanks Rightly. I'm glad you liked it.
Very nice!, I like the simplicity of it, and the vocals are great, I like the way the backing vocals come in and out to emphasize the different parts of the song, and they sound great too. Some nice guitar playing too.
Cheers, Mikey
Thanks Mikey! My guitar playing has been coming along. Thanks for mentioning it. It's such a simple chord progression I'm glad it made a good impression.
Have to agree there are a few extra syllables here that detract from the atmosphere (you-his, won't-wanna).
I wondered whether "rarely absurd" should be "sometimes absurd" or similar - that might fit better with the "not always getting" and shows the person also has flaws...
I'd like to hear this without the second voice in the verses - it sounds "nice" but I think it could be more impactful and emotional with just one voice. Harmonies in the chorus are great.
But the potential is definitely here - so curious to hear the full band version...
Adam, I always look forward to your comments because you really get inside the lyrics. See above about the extra words, and I think you might understand why I did it this way.
Interesting you think I'm saying he has flaws with "You don't always get him". I may also be saying that he just needs to explain things by the next line, but it's always interesting to read a different interpretation.
Yo Lynn.
The guitar with the capo up at the 6th fret gives the song a breezy,summer,'Here Comes the Sun' jangly feel.
It's a change from your usually darker and more melancholic songs.
The others have mentioned the metering of some of the lines. You could alter things to make the lyrics flow better,but on the other hand,it gives the song a little eccentricity. I don't mind either. I wouldn't try to sing it the way you do,but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get away with it at all!
It's a good solid song,it works as it is,charming and quirky,or could translate well in a band situation.
Summer is coming, Skub! The world is bright and shiny. Haha. I'm sure my dark side will appear again soon. Glad you liked it.
-
Loving the simplicity to this Lynn. Very effective. The capo guitar works really well. The vocals and the BV's are absolutely fabulous. I can't imagine what the full band version will sound like but I thought that this was just great 8)
-
Hi,
This track has a lovely feel, feels great to listen to but I did agree with some of the other guys, too many syllables in places and the lead vocal wandered out of tune slightly sometimes, Harmonies were lovely and dreamy, sounded really nice.
I also loved the stripped back feel of it, and your vocal tone is so smooth. Those BV's sound amazing.
Loving it here.....great work.
-
Loving the simplicity to this Lynn. Very effective. The capo guitar works really well. The vocals and the BV's are absolutely fabulous. I can't imagine what the full band version will sound like but I thought that this was just great 8)
Thanks PJ. I'm glad you liked it. I can't imagine what the other one will sound like, either. Haha. I love that I don't know. They are full of surprises.
Hi,
This track has a lovely feel, feels great to listen to but I did agree with some of the other guys, too many syllables in places and the lead vocal wandered out of tune slightly sometimes, Harmonies were lovely and dreamy, sounded really nice.
I also loved the stripped back feel of it, and your vocal tone is so smooth. Those BV's sound amazing.
Loving it here.....great work.
Thank you so much for confirming that I went off pitch. I thought so but someone said it was my best performance so I went with it. 😋 I've done the vocals for the next version already, and I'm sure they're much better. At least I don't cringe when I listen to it. Haha. It's slower tempo so the syllables work better, too. But thanks so much for that. I really appreciate it.
-
I don't really have anything new to add. It sounds like you'll be posting an update at a slower tempo, which I think will enhance the piece nicely. It wouldn't take much to give the rushed-sounding spots a little more space.
It sounds beautiful, and I love the way you perform it. I'm looking forward to the next go-round.
Vicki
-
Your voice sounds great in this Lynn.
I was going to make the same point about losing syllables to improve the scanning, I felt that too.
Other than that it's a lovely simple yet atmospheric piece. I'm glad you inverted the subject of the lyrics in the second and third lines from the end, that made it feel more balanced to me. I liked the transition chords you used a lot too.
-
I don't really have anything new to add. It sounds like you'll be posting an update at a slower tempo, which I think will enhance the piece nicely. It wouldn't take much to give the rushed-sounding spots a little more space.
It sounds beautiful, and I love the way you perform it. I'm looking forward to the next go-round.
Vicki
Thanks Vicki! I really appreciate that.
Your voice sounds great in this Lynn.
I was going to make the same point about losing syllables to improve the scanning, I felt that too.
Other than that it's a lovely simple yet atmospheric piece. I'm glad you inverted the subject of the lyrics in the second and third lines from the end, that made it feel more balanced to me. I liked the transition chords you used a lot too.
Thanks Paul. I'm glad it worked for you. I'm curious what you'll think of the other version in comparison.
Thanks again everyone. Really appreciate your time,
Lynn
-
Whato Lynn
Super piece, yip the LVox are a tad off beam mostly at the beginning but that's OK, love the prod on it, the plain capo'd guitar makes a lot of space for the lyrics which I love the way they are crammed together, I'd bung more in to make the point that hey are supposed to be like that, to my ears it's a hook that one doesn't hear too often. This is very difficult to pull off and you've nailed it.
It has a lot of charm.
cpm
-
Hi Lynn,
wow, your best performance and a great song. Its an established tradition in English folk of adding extra words when necessary so no arguments from me about you bending the melody to fit the lyrics.
Keith
-
Hi Lynn,
wow, your best performance and a great song. Its an established tradition in English folk of adding extra words when necessary so no arguments from me about you bending the melody to fit the lyrics.
Keith
You do realize I know your ears are clogged. Haha. I'm glad you like it.
Whato Lynn
Super piece, yip the LVox are a tad off beam mostly at the beginning but that's OK, love the prod on it, the plain capo'd guitar makes a lot of space for the lyrics which I love the way they are crammed together, I'd bung more in to make the point that hey are supposed to be like that, to my ears it's a hook that one doesn't hear too often. This is very difficult to pull off and you've nailed it.
It has a lot of charm.
cpm
Thanks so much CPM, and for the comment about my paintings. That was too generous. Picasso indeed. Haha.
I had sent this to Keith to listen to thinking I'd be redoing the vox, but he liked it as it was, off pitch and all, and convinced me to leave it. I'm glad the consensus is that it's not too awful. It's hard for me to listen to, but I see the point in showing it as it is. Hopefully it sounds sincere.
-
Hi Lynn, it's not off by much, and certainly not awful, it's just not radio accurate, I think Melodyne helps iron such small things out.
That's what I like about it, it's sincere on a plate, (that's not so easy to either) and I really dig those crammed words, really neat how you did that.
As a fellow painter, those things take a long time to do (well they did for me hoho)
cpm (crap painter man)
-
Haha, that's not what I thought CPM stood for. That one took me a few hours, but I work small.
Curious about yours. I have an art thread in the social area on the Justin Guitar forum. You're welcome to post your paintings there if you want to.
The invitation is open to anyone else who makes visual art. I'd love to see it.
-
Hey Lynn
I think it's a lovely laid back tune. Well played and sung. I get the extra syllables thing others have mentioned but understand your reservation in changing them, there would be some subtle but important changes in meaning. My only thought to tighten the lyrics up would be to drop the He at the start of some of the lines
He has your back
sings you songs
gives you his soul
makes you whole
gives you his gifts
tells you his secrets
He's there when you need him
And you always need him
You get the gist! but that's just me being nit picky here because it is lovely and work as is.
It'll be nice to hear the band version and how that differs. This is the second you and your guitar song I have heard and both really work. I'm sure there will be more down the line
All the best
Darren
-
Hi,
I'm not a fan of guitar and man/woman types of songs. I would like to hear the full band version.
Anyway really nice vocal harmonies.
refusedrevival
-
Hey Lynn
I think it's a lovely laid back tune. Well played and sung. I get the extra syllables thing others have mentioned but understand your reservation in changing them, there would be some subtle but important changes in meaning. My only thought to tighten the lyrics up would be to drop the He at the start of some of the lines
He has your back
sings you songs
gives you his soul
makes you whole
gives you his gifts
tells you his secrets
He's there when you need him
And you always need him
You get the gist! but that's just me being nit picky here because it is lovely and work as is.
It'll be nice to hear the band version and how that differs. This is the second you and your guitar song I have heard and both really work. I'm sure there will be more down the line
All the best
Darren
Thanks Darren. I like that idea a lot. It tightens it up without changing the meaning. Good thinking. I'm really glad you like the acoustic songs. That guitar is having an impact on my playing, for sure.
Hi,
I'm not a fan of guitar and man/woman types of songs. I would like to hear the full band version.
Anyway really nice vocal harmonies.
refusedrevival
Fair enough. Hope you like the other one better, but it's okay if you don't like either. Thanks for listening.
-
Hi Lynn
Sorry...I'm miles behind on my reviewing :-[
This is super...you vocals are always a real treat and I think this is your best yet. There's a lovely youthful feel to your voice...sweet and full of charm. Mixed with the gentle musical treatment and the cute but clever lyric, it's a bewitching combination.
-
Hi Lynn,
Liked this a lot.
Very nice vocals - strong chorus.
The band version will be good to hear.
Perhaps an hybrid version that links both versions - stripped into full band?
The thing with this version is...
And I think you should design a T-shirt saying...
"Where's Keith?" :D
Really nice.
Digger
-
Hi Lynn
Sorry...I'm miles behind on my reviewing :-[
This is super...you vocals are always a real treat and I think this is your best yet. There's a lovely youthful feel to your voice...sweet and full of charm. Mixed with the gentle musical treatment and the cute but clever lyric, it's a bewitching combination.
No problem on the tardiness, Paul. Reviews are at your discretion, but always appreciated. No pressure from me! Thanks for saying I sound youthful. I got a digit older yesterday and it's nice to hear that at least I sound young.
Hi Lynn,
Liked this a lot.
Very nice vocals - strong chorus.
The band version will be good to hear.
Perhaps an hybrid version that links both versions - stripped into full band?
The thing with this version is...
And I think you should design a T-shirt saying...
"Where's Keith?" :D
Really nice.
Digger
Thanks Digger! "Where's Keith?", indeed. Not my choice that he's not on this one. I sent him what I thought was a preliminary idea that we'd further develop, and he mixed it. That's why my flat singing is all his fault. Haha. But we should definitely make that t shirt. It should also say "feel free to ignore me" on it. Haha.
Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you liked it!
-
Hi Lynn. Sorry for taking so long to review this. Had to listen a few times to form a fixed opinion. I LOVE the verse. I LOVE your vocals - Reminds me of Louise Wener (remember her? ). Being critical, i think the verse is far stronger than the chorus - which is a little weak lyrically and melodically. That said, if you evolve this into a full band project it could really shine, but the chorus as i say needs some kind of lift. Maybe a fuller sound and a supporting melody from brass, strings or piano could help you develop it/. In contrast, i would stick with the verse as is, and maybe even with full band just have it as 1 vocal and 1 acoustic. Then get everything kicking in for the chorus. Cheers, Mike
-
Hi Lynn. Sorry for taking so long to review this. Had to listen a few times to form a fixed opinion. I LOVE the verse. I LOVE your vocals - Reminds me of Louise Wener (remember her? ). Being critical, i think the verse is far stronger than the chorus - which is a little weak lyrically and melodically. That said, if you evolve this into a full band project it could really shine, but the chorus as i say needs some kind of lift. Maybe a fuller sound and a supporting melody from brass, strings or piano could help you develop it/. In contrast, i would stick with the verse as is, and maybe even with full band just have it as 1 vocal and 1 acoustic. Then get everything kicking in for the chorus. Cheers, Mike
Thanks Mike. That's very helpful about the chorus. I'll have to look up Louise Wener. I don't know her. Cool. I love finding new people I sound like.
Thanks again, everyone. We'll take your comments into consideration for the next version.
-
Lovely gentle song, reminded my of Elliot Smith in the chorus a bit which is always a good thing.
Love the chorus melody, it's got just enough melancholy. One thing is that the words trip up in the chorus a bit.
I would have either lost/changed some of the words or made room in the melody for them.
As it is they sound crammed in a bit.
Tis a good tune, good sentiment. Great stuff.
-
Hi Lynn I haven't read what anyone else says so I won't be swayed - a gentle song - simple uncomplicated lyrics , well sung I thought - with some echoing but it's a nice simple song that works - I would have liked it a bit longer maybe with perhaps a riff or something or instrumental on the guitar taking you further away into the zone
Nice though
Katie xxx
-
Lovely gentle song, reminded my of Elliot Smith in the chorus a bit which is always a good thing.
Love the chorus melody, it's got just enough melancholy. One thing is that the words trip up in the chorus a bit.
I would have either lost/changed some of the words or made room in the melody for them.
As it is they sound crammed in a bit.
Tis a good tune, good sentiment. Great stuff.
Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked it. That's the second time this week I've been compared to Elliot Smith. Hope things turn out better for me than it did for him.
Hi Lynn I haven't read what anyone else says so I won't be swayed - a gentle song - simple uncomplicated lyrics , well sung I thought - with some echoing but it's a nice simple song that works - I would have liked it a bit longer maybe with perhaps a riff or something or instrumental on the guitar taking you further away into the zone
Nice though
Katie xxx
Thanks Katie. I'm glad you thought it worked. Means a lot coming from you.
-
Oh thanks that's nice of you to,say so xxx
-
I love stripped back songs.
So I feel happy after my listens, this song is perfect for summer.
Love the harmonies and the vocal effects.
Sandeep
-
I love stripped back songs.
So I feel happy after my listens, this song is perfect for summer.
Love the harmonies and the vocal effects.
Sandeep
Thanks Sandeep! I appreciate that. Glad you're happy. 😊