The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on May 06, 2018, 12:20:29 AM
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Hi everyone,
So I’m very excited to announce that Jambrains & I have joined forces in a songwriting partnership and have called our band “Sky Lanterns” (no, not because we’re on fire!! ;D but because we have no clue where we’re going!! ;D ;D)
This is our second song “Silent tears”. Jam had an old backing track lying around for years that he wanted to salvage. I wrote some lyrics and here we are...it’s actually a sequel to my own song “Phantom Love” and I’ve been wanting to write this one for ages.
Songwriting can be excellent therapy! :)
All thoughts are very welcome...
https://soundcloud.com/sky_lanterns/silent-tears
Lyrics
Through a window of a memory
I can see us laugh together on that rusty swing
Little did I know that those were literally the days
And you’d go, never to be seen again
I tried so many years to hide it
Couldn’t numb the pain
It’s hard to let you go
With all your blood running through my veins
So I decided I would try and find ya
In spite of everything...but no.
In the meantime, I wrote a song
Pulled my heart out of my chest
Called it phantom love
Oh, but barely had the pen left the paper
When I received a letter, telling me, they found you, but sorry
You died just three months before
Oh I tried so many years to hide it
Couldn’t numb the pain
It’s hard to let you go with all your blood running through my veins
Oh the irony of being so close, yet so far away
I don’t know how, I’m supposed to feel, it changes by the moment.
I tried so many years to hide it
Couldn’t numb the pain
It’s hard to say goodbye when you were never there anyway
Maybe I’m a fool for dreaming we were something I could save.
It’s all too late,we’ll never know,perhaps it’s for the best.
Now I’ve got a little boy of my own
And if there’s one thing that you taught me
I won’t let him go....
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@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481)
Hi I think there's some lovely lyrics in here to many to many to mention really can touch with this on quite a few levels -loving someone who doesn't even realise
I think your voice is really Terriffic hitting some high notes
I thought it got better as it went on - but that's me I'm a bit impatient and it hung a bit in the early verse but that's me - it was sung so well
Lovely story really struck a chord - not really my kind of thing but there were some parts of this lyrically that I loved xxx
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@LostBoys @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
Another lovely song. Like the way it builds and the lyrics are poignant. This could be the start of a beautiful collaboration!
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Good song.
Always like piano and great singing.
Has hints of Sam Smith.
Well done
Sandeep
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Guys, this is great, nice pomp-rock sound to it, I like the way it builds, and there is a nice guitar solo in the middle, and it tails off nicely towards the end. The only small thing I wasn't sure about is the change in the drumming pattern when the solo comes in, but having listened again it does work.
great job, I hope you do some more like this, Mikey
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Really nice song - definitely heartfelt and the emotion really comes through.
The only thing I might suggest reworking are the lines:
"Oh, but barely had the pen left the paper
When I received a letter, telling me, they found you, but sorry
You died just three months before"
It feels a bit strained, trying to fit too much into the verse and maybe a bit too literal. Everything else flows really well though - I'm just nitpicking :)
AMB
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Nice collaboration, what I liked about it was the words were simple and to the point, so well done
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Oh, so nice. I don't have much to nit pick and what I have is definitely merely nit picky stuff. Like, I'm sure you seen me mention enunciation before, like "Let shoe go". You have a few of those, but I'm pretty sure most people won't care, and I probably have OCD.
The only word change I would suggest is one word in this line: "So I decided I would try and find ya". I would change "and" to "to" (So I decided I would try to find ya), as it's a bit more, umm, exact or correct. But again, most people won't care. So, like I said. All I have are little nit picky things.
And I love the song. I can't wait to hear what you do next, and I'm going to look for your first collaboration so I can hear it, too.
Vicki
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It's a great colab - I think you both bring different skills and ideas. The rusty swing is a great small detail which I think is great for making it memorable and relatable. I usually don't like songs about songwriting - sometimes it seems a bit hard to relate to - but I liked that part too.
Being critical I felt the lines "I don’t know how, I’m supposed to feel..." and "It’s all too late,we’ll never know" stuck out a bit as not being very poetic in comparison with the rest - they sound quite "factual". But sometimes you need to get the message over (and I don't have much to suggest!)
Lovely music you two make including the guitar solo which is impressive indeed.
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Yo you two.
Grats on the partnership,Leo and Johan. If this song is anything to go by,it'll be a productive pairing. :)
The lovely piano,joined with Leo's fine voice makes it an instant grabber for me.
The build up works just fine,taking it up step by step. I wasn't sure,at first,of the overlap with Leo's voice and Johan's lead,but on further listens I think you got away with it! :D
Lyrics tell a story of how kids can carry stuff for a lifetime. Events really do make us what we are.
A fine song. 8)
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Beautifully sung and produced. I thought the lyrics were very intriguing, it didn't feel like a straight love song to me... more about brothers separated as children? I think the "your blood running through my veins" line made me think it was about family, and the little boy reference at the end made me conclude it was about a brother. Like Adam I found the rusty swing image really evocative too.
It's very show-tuney and dramatic I thought, as if it was written for the stage? Maybe not my usual cup of splosh in isolation but as part of a story arc it would be brilliant. Now you need to write the rest of the musical!
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Hi Guys,
This is a very powerful,beautifully sung piece of music. The writing is generally excellent although I agree with AntmanB and Adam that those bits are a little clunky and overused compared to the rest of the writing which is refreshingly honest and true. The playing and arrangement throughout are first class - a great collab. What a voice you have whoever of you is singing lead - that sells the song to me straight away.
M
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@katiewilson @sterix @skub @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) @caliamoko @lillypilly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19725) @AntManB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22079) @Mikey (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20986) @Paulyx @movinflavour
Thanks so much for your excellent feedback guys and gals, we really appreciate it. :)
@Paulyx You were close mate. It’s actually a father & son thing. ;)
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Excellent song chaps. Lyrically it's very powerful. Like Paulx I thought it was about a sibling. But just as powerful as the father/son set up. Very hard to recommend any way it could be better. As would expect from these two collaborators the production is spot on. Cheers Micky
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I had mother and son, but close. Really enjoyed this power ballad, and it looks like this collab is going to work. Nice story to the lyrics, and some really great lines in there. Song was performed perfectly and with feeling. Outro was spot on. Well done, and looking forward to hearing more. Follow in on SC.
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Guys,
This is good, Vocal on this is pro, well done there.
All round a really nice song, builds really nice, pulling you in slowly...love the chorus parts, Good energy.
Arrangement is spot on. Production sounding good here too.
Thumbs up from me...
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Hi Guys,
Strong performances by both of you.
Quite epic in its own right - like a stripped down stadium anthem from the 80s.
Sounds sincere, which is a not a thing that can be said about a lot of chart music these days.
I wasn't quite sure about the vocal change around 2.36. Had to listen back a few times - and maybe it does. The more you listen the more it seems right.
Nice outro.
Digger
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Fantastic job on this...I don't think songwriters and performers can do much more than you've done here...you just keep your fingers crossed that it gets picked up and you get the recognition and audience it deserves.
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Well guys, you have just smashed this right out of the park. It sounds pro quality. Amazing vocals and instrumentation. Not a lot more to say. It's as radio ready as you can get imo
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Wow, you nailed this one guys.....
Great performance...easy to see you both on stage in front of
1000's of cigarette lighters ;D ;D Outstanding vocals and arrangement.
Especially liked the transition at 2-20.....smooooth ;D ;D.
If anything, it was that the gtr solo was a bit 'predictable'.....but I
suppose it has to be with this style.
Top class work guys.....loved it, a joy to listen to on a Sunday morning ;D
thx
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Amazing!!! Good luck at The Grammy's!!!!
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This collab business between you two guys seems to work so, so well. This is a top quality piece of work IMO. superb vocals and the famous jambrains arrangement. Thought it was excellent
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I'm loving the vocal....and the solo of course.
It's a moving song for sure....second listen i was really getting going with it...a great job you've done here guys....very impressed with the whole thing (even if it isn't my bag really!).
Good work boys!
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This song is absolutely incredible. Reminds of the music you don't hear much anymore, but wish you did.
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Hi guys,excellent collaboration, every element works. no nits to pick from me! Great vocals, playing, build instrumentation and production....did I miss anything?
Really pro sound guys well done!
Cheers
Jamie
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Wow this is beautiful!!!
Love the vocals and production.
This is very high quality all around and such a great song.
I'm very, very impressed!!
Micky
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Hi guys
Really good collab here - excellent vocals and the piano/guitar work really stood out for me too.
As far as suggs, I agree with antmanB and Adam (and Alan) on those lyric lines. I thought the melody could have been catchier and wanted harmonies later in the song but maybe that's old-school thinking. ;D ;D
Good stuff!
Paul
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Guys,
Looking forward to this, and you deliver.
I think the intro is very strong. The piano provides a great backdrop for the lyrics, I like the ambiguity there and Leo's fabulous vocals.
Impeccable production, super solo ( dead jealous ).
Only suggestion I have is we appear to lack backing vocals, which I think should come after the solo over the chorus.
Complex emotional and epic is what I heard. Looking forward to the next instalment
:)
neil