The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jack_Diamond. on April 14, 2018, 10:09:52 PM
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https://jackdiamond.bandcamp.com/releases
Hey everyone. I know the productions not great but im still in the learning process and have pretty shitty equipment atm. let me know what you think :)
I wrote the majority of this song quite a while ago when I was dealing with some very difficult personal issues. The song is my attempt at conveying the very numb and emotionless state i ended up getting myself into during these difficult times.
Im looking for general feedback on lyrics, and just want to know what you think to the style of it.
Lyrics:
What will it take, to make my blues go away
I wanna feel, feel something instead of nothing
I swear for a second, i felt my heartbeat through my chest
Probably not for love, but for all the drugs in my blood
Pretty flowers and sunshine, wont make me smile honey
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry honey
Pretty flowers and sunshine wont make me smile
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry, now honey
What will it take, to make my blues go away
I wanna feel, feel something instead of nothing
I swear for a second, i felt my heartbeat through my chest
Probably not for love, but for all the drugs in my blood
Pretty flowers and sunshine, wont make me smile honey
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry honey
Pretty flowers and sunshine wont make me smile
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry, now honey
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Hello Jack
Can you post the lyrics please?
I like the mellow soporific feel to this a lot. Nice chord progressions and I dig the tone of your voice. At 4 minutes I felt it could build a little bit more during the song or you could vary the strumming pattern a little so it doesn't get 'samey' but then again, the stripped back feel certainly has charm too... maybe just trim it back in length to 3 mins or so if you want to keep it that way?
Hope you get involved and enjoy the forum.
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Yeah sure. Thanks mate! Yeah that's a really good idea i'm definitely gonna try and build it up more. maybe add a few more instruments as it progresses. Im not sure how i could trim it back although i do want to. Im gonna get more involved for sure, only just found this place :)
adding lyrics to post.
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Thanks - interesting lyrics. I like the ambiguity of the second and last lines of the chorus (saying the opposite of each other). It's certainly not too conventional lyrically which is a good thing in my view.
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Im happy you like them but i wasn't going for ambiguity i was trying to describe a state of emotionless, if that makes any sense?
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Hi again
I listened to your song again and actually I think there's a small typo in your lyrics above - you missed out 'won't' from the last line of the chorus (which is why I got the ambiguity from it...). With that word back in (as you sing it) though, then yes certainly I get the message of emotionlessness... striving to feel something, either way, which is also an interesting topic.
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Ah you're right. Thanks for pointing that out.
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A real dreamy song.
Good vocals, don't think the song is totally complete yet.
Would like more instrumentation, perhaps horns or strings.As it stand the guitars are too prominent and I think your voice should be more in the mix.
Overall a good listen, but I think you really can add more in the mix.
Thanks for sharing.
Sandeep
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Nice effort. I think the vocals need to be a little louder/stronger. I found myself straining to listen to them so much it was detracting from the music.
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Thanks to both of you. I do want to work on it more but the for the time being its "finished" just because im having to put music on hold for the time being with exams on the horizon.
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Pretty, sad Jobim kind of feel. I think it all works really well. Nice melancholic vibe. Perfect for those days when you don't want to get out of bed. Nice!
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Thank you kindly :)
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Really nice feel to this. As others have said, it would be nice to bring out the vocal a bit. I personally wouldn't go too far with other instruments - I think it suits the lyric to be simple guitar and vocal.
One thing I might suggest is changing up the second verse a bit rather than just repeating it. It doesn't necessarily have to be completely different - but you could change some of the lines just for variety.
AMB
P.S. GL with the exams
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Cheers for the nice comments and thank you for the wish of good luck. I'm gonna work on new lyrics for the second verse.
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Hi Jack,
Welcome.
Nice down yet dreamy feel. You've a good voice, neat lyrics and nice chord progression.
Thoughts think you essentially repeat the same chorus and melody, so maybe some variation around how you sing it would add a little light and shade. I always think of a song as a journey and you want to build a song, take people somewhere rather than just get stuck on the motorway, if that makes sense.
Towards the end your vocals sound more confident, more of that please.
Enjoyable
:)
neil
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Cheers Neil. That's some great advice which i will and follow, thank you.
Jack.
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Nice mellow sounding song Jack. Right up my street...or one of my streets anyway.
Wonder if it does enough to engage right through, though it certainly engaged me right from the off.
A bigger arrangement would do wonders....a solo somewhere.
Still might want a bridge though or some other part to break it up.
Nice smooth jazzy feel and vocal sounds good.....yeah not loud enough no doubt that's been said.
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Very quite track, very relaxed. Adding the beat I believe would improve the tempo.
Thanks,
Best Regards,
Slava B.
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Hi,love the vocals and the gentle strumming guitar. That combination of maj7th and m7th chords always works well. A little repetitive but definitely has something. Vocals too quiet and a better arrangement with more instrumentation to build the sound would help.
Good stuff though!
Cheers
Jamie
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Yo Jack,welcome along man. :)
I like the dreamy,melancholy aspect to the song.
I agree with some of the comments already posted,the prime one being the guitar needs to be more behind the vox in the mix.
For a song of this length I would like to hear some additional instrumentation,it does cry out for a step up after a couple of minutes.
You have a good voice,so be confident and stick it in our faces so we can fully appreciate. Carrying a song with attitude is a great way to demand folk listen.
Much enjoyed the song Jack,keep it coming. 8)
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Thanks a lot everyone! Really encouraging and i'm gonna take all your comments on board to try and make the most of it (louder vocals, more instrumentation, beat and bridge/solo)
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Thanks a lot everyone! Really encouraging and i'm gonna take all your comments on board to try and make the most of it (louder vocals, more instrumentation, beat and bridge/solo)
This is rather lovely. I would like the vocals louder compared to the guitar and there is too much hiss on the recording. I would echo Neil C's comments about the arrangement - very sage words. I like the strumming but it needs variation. You have a lovely voice, you sing beautifully and this is a Diamond of a song. (See what i did then?!!)
M