The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: sarahlawrence17 on March 18, 2018, 07:46:11 AM
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Hi, I'm Sarah. This is a song about my experiences of being a teenager. I'd be really happy to get any feedback, but in particular it would be awesome to get some help with what I could do with my production as I don't know a lot about what I'm doing in that sphere! Thanks for listening :)
https://soundcloud.com/user-495044754/wildflowers
Sixteen years deep in the middle of winter
I don’t know when the sun started to splinter
But suddenly I swear the trees are growing bare
He’s long gone and I think that I know that now
Maybe that’s why I let you take me out
You pick me up and it’s clear to me you are just as empty
And I keep quiet, ’cause I’m still learning to be on fire without burning you
And if we get bored we’ll break each other’s hearts
We all sit at home and we shut our mouths because we don’t care about anything
But I hope you care about me
So take me somewhere
Somewhere far away, I heard talk’s cheap and the company’s to die for
Where smiles flash under strobe lights
And all the people dance like wildflowers ripped from the cracks in the sidewalk
We’re wildflowers ripped from the cracks in the sidewalk
And we’re both so scared to fall, so we talk slow
Heart is beating fast but I’m hoping that you don’t know
’Cause they taught us to hide the truth
The first guard down will lose
And we still love the songs we knew when we were thirteen, screaming in the backseat
But we have learned to keep our voices down
And so we sit at home and we tend our frowns, we care so damn much about everything
And I know you care about me
So take me somewhere
Somewhere far away, I heard talk’s cheap and the company’s to die for
Where smiles flash under strobe lights
And all the people dance like wildflowers ripped from the cracks in the sidewalk
Like wildflowers ripped from the cracks in the sidewalk
And they’re so lost, and we’re so lost
Oh and the winter seems so long
And they’re so lost, and we’re so lost
Oh and the winter seems so long, so long, so
So we go somewhere,
We’re so far away from where cold words sit like wine stains on the carpet
Where smiles flash under strobe lights
And all the people dance like wildflowers ripped from the cracks in the sidewalk
And suddenly, you look around and daffodils are pushing through the ground
Suddenly, you look around and daffodils are pushing through the ground
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Welcome Sarah, and wow!, this was a good one!
Got a little bit of a Jason Mra I'm Yours feel from it.
You have a great voice and a great song with good lyrics as well.
Some very nice touches here and there like the somewhat unexpected chord change at 'we don’t care about anything' and a few other places as well.
Nice build up as the song progress even with small means.
Production wise it is not bad at all, the guitar is a little dull perhaps but the vocals sound just fine.
A bass, a little drums, perhaps a second guitar and this would be a absolute killer pop song.
Actually, I think arrangement/instrumentation wise I'm Yours could stand role model (but that is just my personal opinion of course)
In any case, fab work, keep 'em coming!
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Wow, excellent first track to post.
Great voice and the production ain’t half bad either.
Very good lyrics too... I really lack the way you avoid obvious rhymes, it scans very well and you’ve got loads of interesting similes and metaphors. Lovely turn around in the last 2 lines too.
As Jambrains says, there’s enough build going on to keep it interesting, while still keeping it simple and subtle.
I’d be very proud of this one if I were you. Reminded me a little of Sheryl Crow. I have no suggestions other than share this one around a lot, and write lots more.
Welcome!
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I have to agree with what has been said previously
This is a lovely song
You have an excellent voice which has been recorded well
The guitar is a little muted eq wise
Nothing a bit of tweaking wouldn't cure
The arrangement is spot on I'd say... Introducing extra instruments may or may not add to the track!
Personally with this I'd say keep it simple
Nice job
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I completely agree with all that has been said, a really good song with a great performance, and I love the harmonies, I don't think it needs anything added, its great in its simplicity and engages interest all the way through, well done, and welcome to the forum, I hope we hear a lot more from you.
Cheers, Mikey
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Hi Sarah. Great first post. This is a very well thought out song. Great vocals and backing is just great. I love the backing vocals. Reminded me of Joni Mitchell. Great production as well. Just going to listen again :)
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Hi Sarah,
Welcome to the forum ;D
Wow! What a fantastic song! You sing it beautifully mate. I love the imagery in your lyrics, the “wildflowers ripped from the cracks of the sidewalk” especially. I also love the “I’m still learning to be on fire without burning you.” Really great stuff. :)
I honestly don’t think you need to dress up the production any more than it is. You have done a fab job. All it needs (to my ears) is a little more polish. I think the guitars maybe a smidge out of tune? I may be wrong as I’m no expert, but it def sounded a bit off in the verses. I agree with Previous comments about using some,or more EQ on the guitar to brighten it up a bit. The only other thing I noticed on your awesome track is the Lead Vocal Volume fluctuates in places, especially around 2.10ish, it gets noticeably louder there and then dips again towards the end. It’s a good idea to turn the volume up a little on the choruses (genre depending) and it’s done a lot in pop, but the trick is, for it not to be noticeable.
I hope that’s of some use to you mate. It really is a wonderful song and I look forward to hearing more from ya. ;D
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Yo Sarah.
Wow,what a first post! I hope you stick around and get involved in the community here.
You have a lovely voice,easy,not forced and really natural sounding. Others have mentioned the Joni Mitchell similarities,I hear that,but you are your own singer too. Wonderful.
Great lyrics and great song and great performance,only one thing lets it down for me. The guitar sounds boxy,cheap and worst of all, out of tune,it lets the whole song down and it's the first thing to get right before recording or performing. Both you and the song deserve better.
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Phew! @Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) I was worried it was just my ears. ;D I’ve been listening to some really dodgy takes I did on my uke this afternoon & my ears are all out of wack!! ;D
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) Yes I noticed after I wrote it that the verses sounded similar to I'm Yours! I'll have to check out the song again to see if I can get some ideas.
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) @KOTQM (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22043) @Mikey (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20986) Thank you so much for the positive feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen, and it's nice to hear good things from a second ear :)
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) Wow, Joni Mitchell is one of my songwriting heroes so that comparison is awesome, thank you!
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) Thanks, I'll have a look at the vocal track and try to make it more subtle. In terms of the guitar EQ, to make it brighter would I boost the higher frequencies?
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) Thanks for listening! Yeah, the out of tune guitar has been bothering me ever since I posted the song...obviously I didn't check that enough when recording. Is there anything I could do production-wise to reduce the boxy sound of the guitar, or is it more likely to do with the instrument itself?
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Welcome to the forum Sarah. I echo everyone else's sentiments. The immediate observation from just a few seconds of listening is that you have an incredible voice. And after a couple of listens to the song, an impressive talent at constructing a catchy tune. Comparisons to Joni Mitchell are inevitable and that's a very very good thing! As surely Joni Mitchell is one of the greatest singer songwriters of all time. Hope you stick around here
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Hi Sarah,
Well, boosting the higher frequencies will certainly help, but I think “cutting” mid range frequencies will actually help more and is often more effective than boosting. You need to have a good sweep around until you find that nasty boxy sound and cut as much out without it sounding too weird.
I use a great website called therecordingrevolution.com he has loads of great,free video content on mixing.
Hope that helps
Leo ;D
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Hi Sarah,
Well, boosting the higher frequencies will certainly help, but I think “cutting” mid range frequencies will actually help more and is often more effective than boosting. You need to have a good sweep around until you find that nasty boxy sound and cut as much out without it sounding too weird.
I use a great website called therecordingrevolution.com he has loads of great,free video content on mixing.
Hope that helps
Leo ;D
+1. Cutting mid should do the trick though a slight boost in the upper freq range may add some 'shimmer' as well
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Hi Sarah,
Yep...another fan here ;D ;D
Love the vocals.....great character and emotion.
Guitar tone is a bit dull/damped. But it does give
it a more intimate feel in the delivery. As if you're
in a room playing just to me ;D Changing it to a
brighter/fuller sound might change that...be careful
ATM it supports and accompanies the vocal really well.
Lets the vocal shine IMO
Lyrics are a work of art ;D ;D Love everything about it.
Sounds very commercial to me...if it's not, then things are
worse than I thought ;D ;D
Excellent work.......More please ;D
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Hi,Sarah
Well what can I say as a writer some really good imaginative lyrics in there , your voice sounds great - it's a good melody - sang so confidently, it's quite a long song but you get away with it because it's so listenable
I can't find any faults I look forward to hearing more of your stuff
Katie xx
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Hi
I also hear a bit of a Jason Mraz 'I'm Yours' influence.
It's a good first effort. The best moment is the 'wildflowers ripped form the cracks in the sidewalk' which is good as it is the 'hook' of the song. The change in tune (sounds like you are switching to a major 6th maybe?) really helps push the line and the lyric stands out more than most of the rest of the songs lyrics.
Overall I think there were too many verses. They are somewhat weaker than the chorus (lyrically and melodically) yet more of the song was given over to the verse. I would've probably removed a verse completely - the song is already >4 mins so you wont lose anything - and then perhaps even lose a second in favour of another chorus, solo or break. You have basically 3 verses before the first chorus (OK you can argue that the 3rd one is a break into the chorus, but the guitar arrangement is largely the same so its not enough of a change to give some movement to the listener). You could cut that to 2. You really want to be getting into that chorus ASAP.
Another 'trick' is what the Beatles used to do - start with the chorus. In this case, I think you wouldn't want to start with the 'full' chorus, but perhaps just replace the acoustic intro with the last 4 bars of the chorus, without vocals. That will mix up the long first minute a bit and give a hint to the listener at what is to come.
It will be interesting to hear your future stuff. Once you have written a song, be cruel to it - mess around with the arrangement, the structure until it is the best it can be.
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Hi Sarah,
Welcome to the forum! This is pretty impressive stuff. I love your lyric writing - cliche free and honest. Your singing is lovely too as the guitar playing. Production is simple and clean - it needs no more than what you have here.
If you wanted to present this to a publisher, I would bring the chorus in earlier and make it shorter but as it is I think it's a lovely song. I would be very proud.
I hope the comments from the other members encourage you to write and post more of your songs on here.
M
PS The more you give in the form of listening and commenting on other's work, the more you will learn and the more rewarding this forum will be :-)
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Just to add my praise!
Really enjoyed the song and the delivery. Some neat lines and imagery in the lyric. Like the build from uncertainty...hope you care about me...to greater certainty....I know you care about me....to the last two lines.
The use of the weather as a metaphor for state of mind is an old one but you used it in such a way that it felt like it just happened to be winter as part of the story and it worked.
I think the chorus timing is fine myself. Starts at 1.00 which isn't too long into the song I don't think....and everything that came before was so nice that I wasn't desperate for anything else to happen.
Yes, nothing else needed arrangement-wise...keep it simple. You've got the voice to carry it with just the guitar.
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Hi Sarah,
Lovely song and the your vocal tone is super nice. The harmonies sounded sweeet.
Well done and welcome to the forum.
Cheers
Andy
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@mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) @Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620) @Katie Wilson (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21305) @montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) @Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra @Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938) Thank you all so much for your kind words of insight and for listening to my song! I think this is a great community you have here and do intend to stick around :)
@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) That's really useful, thank you!!
@Ramshackles (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=6887) Thank you for listening to my song in such detail, and for your helpful comments. Personally, in terms of lyrics I do quite like the extra verses because it gives me more time to flesh out the story, but I definitely see where you're coming from. I will look at making an alternate version with less verse that could be used for more commercial situations.
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Hi, Clearly a talented singer and songwriter.Just need to polish up on the details (like the out of tune guitar and the quality of the guitar tone). But.....an excellent first post,welcome to the forum!
Cheers
Jamie
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It’s a great song - great percussive guitar, engaging tempo and light and shade in the vocal. The production works well, enough new elements to carry the length.
It’s not pop, so for me there’s no problem delaying the chorus - the verses are supposed to be interesting too! I thought there was a lot of content, and a lot of different ideas that weren’t always totally obvious to me but that also works as part of the message (lots of mingled adolescent thoughts and slight disorientation).
From a writing point of view there were a couple of lines that perhaps didn’t 100% fit the rhythm (e.g. “we talk slow heart”... ) which could be good to avoid if there’s any alternative (sometimes there isn’t!). But that’s being extra picky because this is already so good.
Great stuff and doesn’t get old on more listens.
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A really beautiful song.
Really clever lyrics and sung so beautifully.
I've read all the other comments and they are a true reflection of the quality of this song.
Well done.
Sandeep
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Lovely tune Sarah! Beautiful refrain at the end of the chorus and the image of wildflowers pushing through cracks is really vivid. Catches the ear and the imagination really well.
Production wise, the vocals and guitars are rhymically busy enough that you don't really need to add much on it, it would just get cluttered I think.
I think the piano can be integrated with the guitar better, rhymically getting them to support each other. Also there is an odd reverb on the piano which makes it seem further away than the guitar which feels odd. Would keep it dryer.
Vocals are really nice with super harmonies.
It's really great work!
Tom.
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WOW~Sarah! If you are only 16, what will you be writing as an adult :o this is amazing in every way! Beautiful melody...I agree with the "I'm Yours" vibe. The imagery in the lyrics to so poetic, and to top it off you have a gorgeous voice :-*
I like the dull guitar, because it makes your vocals shine even more :)
I wouldn't add much to this track, other than tuning the guitar :) :)
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@crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) @Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528) @tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) @adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) Wow, thanks to all of you for listening and for the great welcome to the forum from everyone!
@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) Yeah, I rushed this track and ignored the timing/tuning issues a bit. I have learned my lesson! I don't think I put any reverb on the piano, it probably sounds further away because it was really badly recorded lol
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) Thank you for listening to the lyrics, you really got what I was going for. That line bothers me too, I've looked at it before and couldn't think of anything...might have to look at changing the whole couple of lines around it at some point.