The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: crystalsuzy on March 12, 2018, 12:13:40 PM
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Hi guys,
Here's a song I've been working on for a while, so my ears are now numb. Any advice would be most welcome :P
It's kind of a stream of consciousness thing, so there are 4 very distinct parts, which were challenging to join together smoothly, so don't be surprised if you suddenly feel like you've skipped into another song ;D
It's a fairly heavy subject, so was a bit of a therapy piece, as I live with a loved one that suffers with drug addiction and mental illness :'(
Still trying to decide if I should make more than one song out of this track, and if I do, how I should split it up :)
https://soundcloud.com/crystalsuzy/an-endless-train-to-nowhere
We’ve been going round on this burning wheel, for so long
Don’t now how we got here, but I wonder where I went wrong
But maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
Helpless …helpless
Mary-Jane changed his brain, when he was still young
Then the dragon, singed his soul; and blocked out the sun
Now he’s frozen in crystals; have these drugs won?
Helpless …helpless
I say you need some help…right now
You say that you’re all right…for now
But round and round and round we go
Nothing ever changes; you don’t want to know
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
As Crystals explode into ice; I’m dragged down into his hell
Psychotic nightmares or evil spells? What’s real, what’s not?
Becomes more fragile with each fix and shot
But he doesn’t care; cause he’s way out there, with translucent eyes
And a broken soul, as he watches life through a tiny hole
I can’t get through the broken glass; I feel so helpless, as he
Starts to crash; I can’t break his fall; he’s like a bouncing ball
So I watch him wither, into something very small
I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore
My heart is broken to the core. I can’t take it anymore
You say you wanna leave; you wanna get out, right now
I say you gotta go, you gotta go, somehow
But round and round and round we go
Nothing ever changes; no one ever goes
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
It’s like a loop machine!
We’ve been going round on this burning wheel, for so long
Don’t now how we got here, but I wonder where I went wrong
But maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
Ya, maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
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Hi Crystalsuzy,
Only had a quick listen, so initial views. I like the idea and the individual component, but the Segways need some work in order to make it flow. Paul McCartney was a master at this. It is doable, but the segways need careful planning. Love the almost whimsical approach to a very dark subject. Nice work and bags of potential. Wemcome to the Forum.
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Whato Crystal Suzy.
I can imagine that your ears are numb, it's always a big job trying to piece together scenes in a song like this.
The subject matter has spawned loads of songs, and I can imagine that you found quite a bit of calm sea in between the cans.
The first part was a little loose on the Vox, but that can be fixed, really strong 2nd and 3rd phases, reminded me of talking heads, nice vocal harmonies. I also liked the way you separated each Vox track in the mix.
I read the lyrics again without the music, and they are really good, I hope it does make you strong Suzy.
What does He think of your music?
I'm going to PM you.
cpm
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Hey Suzy...this is quite an accomplishment. As others mentioned, the transitions need work, but I think it's really a great piece. I can feel the frustration and hope, mainly frustration, and helplessness. The contrast of the different sections is very effective. Transitioning from one section to another seems quite tricky to me; I wouldn't know how to do it. But I can tell it will be important to get them to move logically, though not necessarily "smoothly" from one to the next. Jarring elements would be very appropriate.
I hope you keep developing this one.
Vicki
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Hi Suzy, I always look forward to listening to your work. Your four song concept is great. It's a trippy vibe. Totally unique and original and I absolutely love that so much. It's so lovely to listen to something other than a force fed 3 minutes of nothing :)
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A beautiful and personal song. I'm not sure about it suddenly changing, I got a surprise lol.
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Hey Suze,I hope all is better with you than the song would suggest.
Man,I don't know where to start with this one.
I think it's an epic piece of work,ranging from singer songwriter territory to Beatles influenced psychedelia. I absolutely love what you've created here and whilst you say it's a work in progress,I'd be very careful what you change.
Personally I'd alter nothing about the structure of the song at all,other than using someone who knows production to spread out the sound and make it even bigger.
It's a damn fine song. 8)
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Fascinating. So many different sides and edges to this, merging very well, if you ask me, musically and lyrically for the background story. Clearly took a lot to do this and is very heartfelt. Everything working really well, the light, shade, rough and smooth, harmonies and psychedelia. Loved the early guitars and interesting percussion and transitions. it’s another very clever piece, lady. Be proud of yourself and your great strength and love.
Big love cxx
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HI CS, another piece of interest from you, always trying something out! As others have said the transitions need sorting and smoothing, but I think that could be done. The change to the arpeggios might be a bit difficult. I especially liked the 'I can't take it anymore' section which is way too short, you could nearly carry a whole song with that idea. Took me into CSN&Y territory!
Great ideas (as usual!)
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi, as a personal story and message....its faultless. And I wish you and your loved one peace..
However, as a structured piece of music I had some challenges (and I totally accept that I might be the problem)
Anyway...these are the critical comments;
The phrasing and tuning in the first part of the song just needs a little work to sit more comfortably with the backing. Its only slight, but it is noticeable. But I liked the melody and also the whistling was just perfect.
For the second part of the song...I think this is by far the strongest musically and melodically.
The other parts were ok but didn't grab me the same way musically.
I personally would focus on making two very strong songs out of this work using the themes from part1 and part2.
None of this advice/criticism means anything compared to the power and intent of your feelings, thoughts and lyrics..which I totally respect and admire.
They are just the thoughts of a pretty conservative, main stream pop kind of guy.
Hope its ok to both fully admire and yet criticise at the same time!
Much love,
PNB.
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Hi
I loved the vocal style on this, really dreamy, I tried not to read through the threads so not to colour my thoughts.
For me it sounded like a few different songs put together but hey, I like the fact that you weren't afraid to step outside the box here.
Vocals need a few minor fixes but the style and sound is spot on. I spend ages tuning mine so I am not the best person to comment on this.
Great work.
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Hi
I loved the vocal style on this, really dreamy, I tried not to read through the threads so not to colour my thoughts.
For me it sounded like a few different songs put together but hey, I like the fact that you weren't afraid to step outside the box here.
Vocals need a few minor fixes but the style and sound is spot on. I spend ages tuning mine so I am not the best person to comment on this.
Great work.
Ha, made me chuckle ref the track length, our last one was too long.....lol
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Suzy!! One of these days you’ll just post a nice simple affair with you singing while playing a bloody triangle!!! ;D ;)
Kudos to you for writing a tough song from the heart. You have done a fab job mate. Your harmonies throughout were lovely. As always, I admire your creativity & originality.
Great stuff!! :D
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Hi,
I loved it. It's already on my soundcloud playlist. :)
It's gentle and quirky to start off with then it runs into lots of different things.
Personally I'd separate them and let them all shine in their own right.
Great stuff!
Johnny :)
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Hi Suzy.
Firstly great respect for writing such a complex heartfelt song with a difficult personal subject matter. I'm writing this review after one listen so this is just based on first impressions. I love each individual element of the song, although the opening and closing sections I think would be stronger with just one lead vocal. The harmonies work well on the other sections but not in these. The second vocal is a bit of a distraction to be honest.
The big big question for me (and this needs repeat listens) is whether the overall song is better than the sum of its parts. I'm not sure it is after one listen.
At present there is a bit of a jolt between sections and this doesn't help the whole for me.
Epic work here regardless.
Cheers Micky
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Hey I really liked this!
I feel like the 'non-repeating' song form is super under-rated and really feels quite casual and intimate for some reason :)
Also really enjoy the contrast (for most of the song) between the musical mood and the subject matter; really cool effect
Messager
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Blimey!! a concept album in less than 6 mins....my only crit is the joiney bits..they let the song down IMHO... :) :)
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Hi Crystalsuzy,
Only had a quick listen, so initial views. I like the idea and the individual component, but the Segways need some work in order to make it flow. Paul McCartney was a master at this. It is doable, but the segways need careful planning. Love the almost whimsical approach to a very dark subject. Nice work and bags of potential. Wemcome to the Forum.
thanks for taking a listen and for your supportive comments, @Mike67 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20900) :) I totally know what you mean about the segways...maybe I could get Paul to work on this ;D ;D
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Whato Crystal Suzy.
I can imagine that your ears are numb, it's always a big job trying to piece together scenes in a song like this.
The subject matter has spawned loads of songs, and I can imagine that you found quite a bit of calm sea in between the cans.
The first part was a little loose on the Vox, but that can be fixed, really strong 2nd and 3rd phases, reminded me of talking heads, nice vocal harmonies. I also liked the way you separated each Vox track in the mix.
I read the lyrics again without the music, and they are really good, I hope it does make you strong Suzy.
What does He think of your music?
I'm going to PM you.
cpm
Thanks so much cpm :) Still struggling with the joining of the parts, but thanks for the reference to the Talking Heads :o I feel like this situation
has made me stronger, but the stress, has also paid it's toll on my health. I haven't payed this one for him yet...just can't quite fine the right time for it :'( I've written 4 other songs about him though, which he liked, but made him cry :'(
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Hey Suzy...this is quite an accomplishment. As others mentioned, the transitions need work, but I think it's really a great piece. I can feel the frustration and hope, mainly frustration, and helplessness. The contrast of the different sections is very effective. Transitioning from one section to another seems quite tricky to me; I wouldn't know how to do it. But I can tell it will be important to get them to move logically, though not necessarily "smoothly" from one to the next. Jarring elements would be very appropriate.
I hope you keep developing this one.
Vicki
thanks @CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) :) I'm really glad that the emotions of frustration and helplessness came through for you...that would be my main goal ::) And now to get all the parts to flow logically and smoothly, although nothing really flows logically with him ??? It's all over the map, which is probably why this song came out as it did, as it was a stream of consciousness creation :) I like the jarring elements suggestion, though :)
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Hi Suzy, I always look forward to listening to your work. Your four song concept is great. It's a trippy vibe. Totally unique and original and I absolutely love that so much. It's so lovely to listen to something other than a force fed 3 minutes of nothing :)
Thanks for you very kind and supportive comments @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) :) I'm so glad that you like the concept idea and that you liked the vibe ;)
Means a lot :) :)
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I thought this was very touching...and managed to say something that very few writers could manage to do.
There was a lovely feel of lost innocence in here that was quite moving.
Amazing stuff, CS - a real treat listening to this.
And - if you'll pardon the slightly thoughtless pun - a real "Rock" Opera ;)
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A mini masterpiece , especially like those little pulses and the small guitar segments. Can empathise with anybody who lives with somebody with a mental illness.
The different segments reflecting those different states of mind...brave topic to cover, but you covered it well.
Sandeep
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That was brilliant, beautiful, and really disturbing. Made me cry when you sang about your broken heart. I think the disjointed quality of it really adds something cool. It makes me understand what it's like to feel so out of control. Although I already kind of understand, if you get my drift.
You've made a really beautiful piece of art. I love it.
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Hi Suze,
I always look forward to your songs - I know it's going to be a treat for the ears and the mind. I love your use of images and oblique ideas which suggest ideas rather than revealing all. Typing as I listen, the soundstage could be a little wider. You've got a lot going on which could benefit from more panning. This features your characteristic use of sound samples and frequent, unexpected changes of direction. Vocals are lovely as always. Stepping into your world is a leap of faith like listening to Joni Mitchell but trusting that it will make sense in the end.
Another masterpiece.
M
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A beautiful and personal song. I'm not sure about it suddenly changing, I got a surprise lol.
thanks for your kind comments RKM :) I know what you mean about the sudden changes...still working on that :)
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Hey Suze,I hope all is better with you than the song would suggest.
Man,I don't know where to start with this one.
I think it's an epic piece of work,ranging from singer songwriter territory to Beatles influenced psychedelia. I absolutely love what you've created here and whilst you say it's a work in progress,I'd be very careful what you change.
Personally I'd alter nothing about the structure of the song at all,other than using someone who knows production to spread out the sound and make it even bigger.
It's a damn fine song. 8)
I'm humbled by your comments Skub :) Luckily I have songwriting and playing music as a therapy, so yes I am better than the song suggests :o
Your review means a lot to me, so it's much appreciated :-*
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Powerful stuff Suzy. Really hard to comment on something very personal and raw. Great respect to you for putting this kind of thing out there.
Loads of great things going on in there, I preferred the inner sections which reminded me a little of talking heads more loose stuff. The outer sections seemed very different and didn't quite fit in with the rest. If you could find a way to join them to the inner sections musically then it would be even more powerful.
Found the vocals a little overwhelming in the mix perhaps, harder to hear the rest of the arrangement.
Something unique from a truly unique voice. Respect!
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Fascinating. So many different sides and edges to this, merging very well, if you ask me, musically and lyrically for the background story. Clearly took a lot to do this and is very heartfelt. Everything working really well, the light, shade, rough and smooth, harmonies and psychedelia. Loved the early guitars and interesting percussion and transitions. it’s another very clever piece, lady. Be proud of yourself and your great strength and love.
Big love cxx
thank you so much @Cazrolina (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20891) for your heart felt comments...I'm humbled :) I'm glad you appreciated all the different sections and that you didn't find the transitions too shocking :o this is such a reflection of what it's like living with someone with these disorders...that's why the arrangement is like it is ::)
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HI CS, another piece of interest from you, always trying something out! As others have said the transitions need sorting and smoothing, but I think that could be done. The change to the arpeggios might be a bit difficult. I especially liked the 'I can't take it anymore' section which is way too short, you could nearly carry a whole song with that idea. Took me into CSN&Y territory!
Great ideas (as usual!)
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks so much @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) :) I'm still pondering as to what to do with this creation :) You're right, I could probably make two or three songs out of this track, but would I loose the emotional roller-coaster vibe? I'm glad you like that section, because that and the feeling of helplessness are the real biggies for me ::)
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Hi, as a personal story and message....its faultless. And I wish you and your loved one peace..
However, as a structured piece of music I had some challenges (and I totally accept that I might be the problem)
Anyway...these are the critical comments;
The phrasing and tuning in the first part of the song just needs a little work to sit more comfortably with the backing. Its only slight, but it is noticeable. But I liked the melody and also the whistling was just perfect.
For the second part of the song...I think this is by far the strongest musically and melodically.
The other parts were ok but didn't grab me the same way musically.
I personally would focus on making two very strong songs out of this work using the themes from part1 and part2.
None of this advice/criticism means anything compared to the power and intent of your feelings, thoughts and lyrics..which I totally respect and admire.
They are just the thoughts of a pretty conservative, main stream pop kind of guy.
Hope its ok to both fully admire and yet criticise at the same time!
Much love,
PNB.
thanks for so much your honest take on this track PNB :) It's totally OK to 'admire and criticize' ay the same time...I really appreciate it :)
Every-bodies opinion matters and I totally respect yours. I'm still trying to work this one out, and I really like your idea of using part1 and
part2 to make 2 separate songs ;)
thanks for bringing the phrasing and tuning in the first part, to my attention. I knew something wasn't quite right :-[
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Hi
I loved the vocal style on this, really dreamy, I tried not to read through the threads so not to colour my thoughts.
For me it sounded like a few different songs put together but hey, I like the fact that you weren't afraid to step outside the box here.
Vocals need a few minor fixes but the style and sound is spot on. I spend ages tuning mine so I am not the best person to comment on this.
Great work.
Ha, made me chuckle ref the track length, our last one was too long.....lol
Thanks again for your kind comments Rich :) I'm thinking I should maybe make two songs out of this one, but still pondering how to break
it up ::) Maybe I'll make the 2nd part a song of it's own ??? a far as stepping out of the box, I don't think I was ever in one ;D ;D ;D LOL!
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Suzy!! One of these days you’ll just post a nice simple affair with you singing while playing a bloody triangle!!! ;D ;)
Kudos to you for writing a tough song from the heart. You have done a fab job mate. Your harmonies throughout were lovely. As always, I admire your creativity & originality.
Great stuff!! :D
LOL LB! ;D Just for you I'm going to post a song with just me singing(which might be hard to take) and a triangle...well maybe one other instrument ;D ;D
Thanks for the kudos and your kind comments :) Everyone has their crosses to bare and mine just happens to be this one...well one of them anyway ;) It wasn't that difficult to write, but it was a difficult one to post :'( Kind of exposing myself a bit, but I know it's to a kind and compassionate audience :)
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CS, love the ambition and as you say its a difficult subject.
I enjoyed listening to it. Especially the 'I cant take it anymore' and love the whistles.
Thoughts only a question about the structure and juxtaposition between sections, I think the one between 1st section needs to be more integrated. The rest are more joined up. On the structure I think I might drop the 1st section and just leave it to the ending. I not sure musically you have to repeat sections, having 4 or 5 specific interlinked elements would work well for me. Then it would be more powerful, imho
Anyway I dont know how you do this is.
In awe
:)
neil
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Hi,
I loved it. It's already on my soundcloud playlist. :)
It's gentle and quirky to start off with then it runs into lots of different things.
Personally I'd separate them and let them all shine in their own right.
Great stuff!
Johnny :)
thanks for sharing this song or songs ;) I'm still trying to decide, if and how, I should split this one up. I appreciate your suggestion and support :)
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Hi Suzy.
Firstly great respect for writing such a complex heartfelt song with a difficult personal subject matter. I'm writing this review after one listen so this is just based on first impressions. I love each individual element of the song, although the opening and closing sections I think would be stronger with just one lead vocal. The harmonies work well on the other sections but not in these. The second vocal is a bit of a distraction to be honest.
The big big question for me (and this needs repeat listens) is whether the overall song is better than the sum of its parts. I'm not sure it is after one listen.
At present there is a bit of a jolt between sections and this doesn't help the whole for me.
Epic work here regardless.
Cheers Micky
thanks so listening and your kind comments, @mickyplankton (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20769) :) I appreciate your suggestions and I know what you mean about whether or not the whole is better than the sum of its parts ;) I'm still struggling with this one ::) Can't decide how to break it up ???
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Hey I really liked this!
I feel like the 'non-repeating' song form is super under-rated and really feels quite casual and intimate for some reason :)
Also really enjoy the contrast (for most of the song) between the musical mood and the subject matter; really cool effect
Messager
thanks so much @Messager (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21320) :) I'm glad you like the mini concept EP, even though 'the joining of the sections' needs more work. It definitely has many different moods, but that's exactly how it really is, thus the stream of consciousness vibe :)
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Blimey!! a concept album in less than 6 mins....my only crit is the joiney bits..they let the song down IMHO... :) :)
LOL @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) ;D I know what you mean about the 'joiney bits' ::) I'm given it a break, but will work on this some more :)
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I thought this was very touching...and managed to say something that very few writers could manage to do.
There was a lovely feel of lost innocence in here that was quite moving.
Amazing stuff, CS - a real treat listening to this.
And - if you'll pardon the slightly thoughtless pun - a real "Rock" Opera ;)
thanks for feeling the emotion of this "Rock" opera(I like it) @PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) :-* that's what this one's all about. I'm humbled by your comments :)