The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: pompeyjazz on February 25, 2018, 05:44:47 PM
-
Been busy organising the compilation album and also a bit of FAWMING :)
Here's one of my FAWM numbers inspired by a visit to my home town of Coventry a few weeks ago.
Boy has that city been mashed up by the developers. I think it's the same as a lot of big cities these days where the centre is taken over by student accommodation.
The ruins of the old Cathedral get me every time there and I wrote this song about the Coventry blitz. My grandparents were bombed out twice and I still have the old clock that my granddad pulled out of the rubble of one of their flattened houses.
Siren sounds evacuation
Women children running startled
Images of broken bodies
Covered in an orange dust
The war of greed where no-one wins
And men machines dehumanised
Minds erased of memories
Fuelled by bad amphetamines
Just want to live our lives
Families and children
Let us live in peace
The bombs came in late November
Pouring down a rain of terror
Molten metal, smoke and sulphur
Lighting up the sky
Fire spread across the city
Some were saved, no more the pity
Trapped beneath the rubble
Only knowing they would die
Nobody asked our opinion
Just want to live our lives
Let us live in peace
Oh the bombers overhead
They're sounding our death knell
Is it them is it you is it me ?
I just can't tell now
Some could never reconcile
The terrors of those fateful nights
Where everything around them
Was savaged and destroyed
Simple few reminders
Of a city's darkest hour
And now fewer can remember
But that city will never die
(c) Bradley – 2018
-
This is an interesting one, :-\..words are really good but not sure the melody works with them, I admire very much that your all over the place genre wise, quite a talent really....
the..just want to live our lives bit sounds a little forced if you catch my drift, I understand this is a FAWM thing so done very quickly but I think this serves to illustrate that there is no point in doing things too quickly, a bit more time honing this song would make a big difference..
best, Kevin :)
-
I think you've probably hit the nail on the head here @shadowfax (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20024) I'm not usually short of ideas anyway and I didn't like the FAWM principal. I'm not knocking it as it's a great encouragement to get new ideas out there but what I learned from it is that I don't work best that way :)
-
Beautiful song, nice melody, nice voice, congrats
-
Yes a good song, well constructed, but similar to Shadowfax's comment: I like the melody, like the lyrics, but not sure they fit brilliantly together.
I think the 8-line verses are the strongest - good build up at line 4 (e.g. "lighting up the sky")
BTW -what is FAWM?
-
Hi John
Different again from you - you are a chameleon my friend.
This is a brooding piece - love the piano (of course I would) and the vocals.
Not 100% sold on the chorus melody or chorus lyric. I think if it had a better hook there it would be golden.
Ignore me at your peril leisure. :D :D
Paul
-
Hi John , doesn't really work for me as a combination , good lyrics but I felt that for me they needed a bit more energy in the melody a bit more anger - I don't know nothing but that's just how I felt - it didn't really click for me -as I say good lyrics but the melody didn't work for me
From my own writing point of view I feel a sense of anarchic bitterness in this so I can imagine an angry Johnny rotten singing it or a cynical Terry hall (from Coventry ) singing it
But what do I know just sharing my thoughts hope,that's ok
-
Hi Pompey.
It doesn't quite rank with your very best songs, but there is still a lot to admire here. Piano probably is the best element. Like the others I was not completely sold on the chorus. I think it would work better if you spoke the chorus rather than sing it. Or shorten the delivery. It feels like you are stretching the delivery a bit too much I think you sing really well overall in this but again an angrier, more acidic delivery might be better.
-
Hey John
From your commentary I thought you'd written a song comparing urban developers to the Blitz rather than the Blitz itself. (That'd be a great idea for a song... write that one next?)
As it is I still liked a lot in the track - I liked the instrumentation a lot (was there a trickling distant piano mixed quite low?). Your voice & delivery is great as usual. It's not the hookiest piece you've ever written but has a subtlety about it - it's hard to pigeon hole or pin down, which I think is a good thing. Some powerful images in the lyrics: the orange brick dust leapt out to me... it felt like a detail only someone who was actually there would pick up on. (I know you weren't but you get my point).
-
Yep. Sorry about the defects on this track as it was a FAWMster.I should really have posted in wip to be honest :)
-
John,
Thought we were going to have some glam rock with the title!
Liked the lyrics and verses all worked well with the chords, melody and vocals. If I had a question it was more around the chorus which musically felt a bit lightweight and could do with some guitars, strings and backing vocals to make it more memorable and hooky.
Love the fact you've got their clock. I've got my grandma's matter of fact wartime diary, they lived in Plymouth. My dad was evacuated for a while, they had an bomb shelter and the house 2 down was completed destroyed and the occupants died...
:)
neil
-
Yep. Thanks Neil.It was a fawm song so I'm going to give it a bit of attention when I get some time
-
Yo pomps.
I listened to this one a while ago on soundcloud and forgot to comment on here. Soz man.
I liked parts of the song,but overall I think it reflects the rushed aspect that FAWM must be and as such sounds unfinished and not up to your normal high standard.I wouldn't want to work that way,I'd end up with an even bigger pile of pish than usual. :D
Lyrically it has great imagery and the verses work,the chorus melody is where I'd expect it up a notch with a hook,etc,but maybe still needs a bit of work?
I really liked the bridge.
Cool concept for the song,John and I bet you finish it properly in your own time,rather than the FAWM principal.
-
Yep agree 100% Davy. Or should that be 96% I don't really agree, or maybe I do. Fawm is brutal. I got this song maybe 66.2 % there but will continue to complet ion. :) . That clock is still so flipping accurate. :D
-
Hi John, I really like the arrangement and the instrumentation, chord progressions etc , but the package isn't quite finished off, which I see concurs with others comments. I'd keep the backing track and find a new melodic/lyric combo! But as I've said many time before, what do I know! :P
Cheers
Jamie
-
Thank you all for your comments on this one. It's been really useful to me. I've posted a new version with beefed up chorus and some bv's
https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/blitzkrieg
It's so great to have constructive feedback :)
-
Love the epic scope here and the epic sound it executed very well in the production. Liked it very much.
-
Edit: listened to the original link!! Listening to the new one now (everything from I love the big...is related to the first track) ... I think for me I'd prefer this with a simpler production but I really admire your work and effort here! I love the piano! Sounds so nice! Lyrics and delivery are excellent. Piano, vocals and some gentle percussion is how I hear this but tbh what do I know :P
Great hearing your stuff as always John!!
I love the big production you manage on your song and putting all this together doing FAWM and the forum album just shows how good you've got at this.
I respect the comment of previous posters and can't add anymore to them. I did enjoy this one John ...But for me I think a simpler more stripped back backing music would really let the lyrics and vocal shine. I think it's a really challenging subject but you're lyrics do it so well!
All the best
Darren
-
This is great, man...
I've always loved the piano part in particular...but this newer version has given the song wings. Great story and very sympathetically told. Super vocals :)
I'm reading Max Hastings' Bomber Command right now, would you believe...
Really lovely song, John.
-
Hi PJ,
It wasn't the song I was expecting from the title; I was geared up for a bit of a thrash fest.
Having just got back from a holiday in Dresden listening to this song seemed quite apt.
I thought the verse vocal and music worked well.
Interesting arrangement and instrumentation. Hard to pigeonhole the genre - no bad thing.
I liked the bridge too - might have ramped the power chords up more for the drop out back to the piano.
Cool and different.
Digger
-
Hi PompeyJazz
Nice, is that the Abbey Road Plate Reverb I can hear???
cpm
-
Yep ! Good spot @cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308)
-
this song sounds to me like 70's kinda music. The tempo and arrangement keep my interest so I listen on read the lyric of which I think are good.
I like this:
Some could never reconcile
The terrors of those fateful nights
The sing's style is not of my kind but I do think that you carry the tune for the listener to listen.
You did your thing your way and it is your song. I have nothing to criticize.
-
I would reign in the reverb just a little.
I'm a little conflicted as although the chord progressions in the verse are strong..they are a little on the "major" side for the sentiment of much of the lyrics.
If the theme of the song weren't quite so heavy that would be an issue for me...
I find those "progressing" chords against such a devastating lyric to be slightly abrasive.
The chorus doesn't work for me at all....melodically the verse is much stronger.
There is no doubt there is huge talent here...its just not "gelling" for me.
I think its the very dark theme comprised with a slightly "praying for time" style chord progression.
I can hear the talent though...in fact you'd be hard pressed not to.
Pnb.
-
Hi Pompey,
Think most peeps said it all but, but for me, only thing that stood out, try cutting the high end from your reverb plugin, that will tame those highs on your vocal, also drop it back in the mix a bit. (I feel I am not the right person to comment on vocals, I literally spend hours trying to make myself sound OK/Passable, Ha, ha)
Great work to Pompey, deep subject and the track gave that feel,
Nice
-
@irwin (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19439) @pnb (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21327) @Cawproductions (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20938)
Thanks so much guys. Feedback so much appreciated :)
-
These are great lyrics. Like damn, it has horrifying lyrics over an upbeat track like We Will All Go Down Together, by billy joel. It really gave me a big epic vibes, like you were there. I feel like the chorus could use a little tightening, the entrances didn't feel telegraphed enough, and some of the timing felt slightly off. Overall tho, I think you nailed it on the contour, which I find one of the more important aspect of a song. As the lyrics rise and fall, so does the intensity of the track and that's really something great. Good work!
-
Hi PJ,
There are some well worn lines in here and I'm not a fan of this reportage style of writing - if you'd built the song around the clock being pulled from the wreckage that you still have then that would have been more original and interesting to me. I don't think it's a bad song and your delivery has real authority and grit - I just think it's not one of your best.
M
-
Hi John,
There are some great lyrics and sentiments.
The piano sections are really brilliant.
When I read the intro I thought you were going to allude to how the present has built upon the past.... I totally missed the point.
I think you have all the components of a good song...its just not finished yet?
The tune is really good., even though the lyrics are good, there may be too many.
I like the lyrics ...nobody asked our opinion , perhaps this could part of your recurring chorus?
....it's nearly there
Sandeep