The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: jacksimmons on February 02, 2018, 03:18:45 PM
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Hi guys! Long time since I posted anything in finished songs. I've been a bit busy with work and band projects buuut I'm always a lurker on here and am loving everyone's output.
I posted this in the WIP section a few months back but now it's finished. It's my attempt at a sort of disco/dance tune. As always, really appreciate any and all feedback especially on melody and production. Thanks in advance!
https://soundcloud.com/jack-simmons-1/disco-demo
Lyrics:
Lights go down
You show me there is beauty in a frown
Tell me something new about your day
just to pass the time in an offhand way
Tell me how
a smile can turn a doomed day upside down
Even in the morning when I'm feeling worst
you are not a demon, you are not a curse
Later when you get home from work
I know it might sound a bit absurd
Put some time aside, aside to check in on me
Everything's a phase apart from you
I've found a way to make it through these lonely days and nights
You set these dark days of mine ablaze
when you walked in to my life from out of your own cold
your own cold, and now you're mine to hold
Some nights
That little bit of life can pass you by
I stayed dressed in her bedroom
listened to the water while we stared at the moon
I fall back in time
There are certain songs that still make me cry
Curse the DJ and his empty head
Get me back home, get me to my bed
But then you go and call me up
mispronounce a word and it picks me up
Put some time aside, aside, make me happy
Everything's a phase apart from you
I've found a way to make it through these lonely days and nights
You set these dark days of mine ablaze
when you walked in to my life from out of your own cold
your own cold, and now you're mine to hold
Heavy heart
I guess I'm always cursed to have a heavy heart
Put me on a plane going anywhere
Put me on a train somewhere, I don't care
Lights go down
You show me there is beauty in a frown
Tell me something new about your day
just to pass the time in an offhand way
Everything's a phase apart from you
I've found a way to make it through these lonely days and nights
You set these dark days of mine ablaze
when you walked in to my life from out of your own cold
your own cold, and now you're mine to hold
Everything's a phase apart from you
I've found a way to make it through these lonely days and nights
You set these dark days of mine ablaze
when you walked in to my life from out of your own cold
your own cold, and now you're mine to hold
Everything's a phase apart from you
I've found a way to make it through these lonely days and nights
You set these dark days of mine ablaze
when you walked in to my life from out of your own cold
your own cold, and now you're mine to hold
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It's a lovely song, particularly the vocal and support vocals..really good job...as a disco/dance track I think it's lacking in the bass dept..particularly the kick...needs to drive a bit more dynamically IMHO.. :) :)
If you don't call it a disco/dance track then..it's fab and no probs.. :) :)
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Very nice song, brought me back to 90's disco :) Great Job.
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It's a good song - the harmonies were great, good arrangement, decent melody, though I found the verses more memorable than the chorus. Biggest gripe though is that it's too long. I don't think there's enough variation either lyrically or musically to warrant the length.
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Agree with Bankie that the verse is strong, particularly the vocals. I would recommend you rework the chorus, as it feels unnatural and a little forced.
Kevin
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Hi jacksimmons!
I think this is a really good song. My dancing days are sadly far behind me so... not the best one to judge disco/dance qualifications in a song. Imo it's too interesting.
The melody is catchy, maybe some countermelody in the intro to really get hold of the listener.
The backing vocals and the lead occupy about the same space, nice with lower harmonies btw, they're a bit too similar to me.
Martin
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Hi, love the verses and the vocals, but there’s something unnatural about the chorus, it doesn’t sound quite right, I don’t know if it’s timing or technical? Also, if your going for a disco/ dance type sound it’s missing the whole bass/kick thing. Maybe needs a bit of development,but it has potential imho :P. But, what do I know ???
Cheers
Jamie
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Broadly agree with the others responding on this thread. Good song, VERY good vocals and - especially - harmonies, but verse works better than the chorus. Also maybe consider deleting a verse and chorus to bring the length down a little?
The best point for me was the unexpected variation in the length of the melody line - really introduced a bit of interest into the melody.
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Yep. Im in agreement too. But this is still great work. Verses are soooo good. Fab melody as usual. And Such an interesting feel with the voice/synths. Needs fatter drums. Less of something (words/notes?) in chorus sections. LOVE the disco flute :) Really cool listen. Having another. cx
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Thank you all for your feedback! It will be extremely helpful. This was definitely one of those songs that was slaved over rather than sprung up fully formed and perhaps that shows in the final version. Wrote about five choruses for this damn thing before I finally settled. Back to the drawing board, I think.
Peace
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Your vocals arrangement and production are always top class. There is one hell of a lot of work in this. I love the vocal work in particular . I really get Moody Blues vibes from your songs Jack which is a great thing. Excellent work.
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Hi Jack. Good to have you actively back on the forum. I also agree broadly with most of the other comments, except to say this song rewards repeat listens. I will be honest, it didn't blow me away the first time I heard it, but I've listened about 3 more times and each time, it grows more and more. I think it's a very solid album track, but maybe not a standalone song. Love the Abba/Sparks/prog rock fusion. It's very clever. Possibly a little busy in the word dept. A lot of lyrics to condense into even a nearly 5 minute song. But overall top marks as far as I'm concerned.
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HI Jack - great bounce to this one. Bold use of different instruments too - is that a flute?
I think the bit that feels not quite right is "your own cold, and now you're mine to hold". Your own cold might be OK - it's not something you hear much but why not, it's quite creative and in context it's fine. "Now you're mine to hold" feels so rushed and I think sacrifices meaning and style to the rhyme...
Worth a look I think. Particularly as the rest is extremely cool - the little details of everyday life are very telling and immediate, really great writing.
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Yo Jack.
Most of what has already been said,I agree with too.
The verses are so good they build the listener up to expect a spectacular chorus/hook,it's just missing that final magic touch. I hear a Scissor Sisters thing going on.
You set the bar high for yourself!
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I like it , it's not something I Woukd listen to when chilling as its not my thing but I could dance to this as its very danceable
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Hi Jack!
I enjoyed the listen. It has a load of potential 100%.
There are certain aspects i would look at.
The length of this song, at 4:41 for me is way way too long.
Keeping it short and sweet will defo benefit your song.
Musically i found some elements competing with your vocal. This should never be the case. Your vocal is No1 and anything around you should only be supporting YOU and not fighting for space with YOU. The electric guitar in the verses for me doesn't need to be there. I wanna hear you.
A very good song none the less!
Johnny :)
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I really like all of this.
Full of surprises, excellent production.
Thanks for sharing! :)
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Really like this Jack, my kind of song, loved the BVox arrangment, they are very tight, and nice levels, must have taken quite a bit of planning, and execution.
I love the way you exepriment with your voice Jack, take quite a bit of nerve to play with that.
Brave to put in a flute solo, nice use of the strings with the Chorus,
Great work.
btw I like Elastic Justice too....
cpm
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Quite likable.
but, in the world of lyrics (other than opera, and maybe folk) less is more.
Pretty likable song though
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Hi jack,
Nice track, I think someone said before, as a dance track I would like the hear that Kik and Bass absolutely bangin. Suppose thats a production thing.
Nice song tho, lyrics and vocal always good mate,
Cool track.
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Yet another great song, up to your usual high standard, keep 'em coming Jack
Cheers, Mikey
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Promising start. Got all the bits in here, disco drum, octave bass, sythns and guitars all period correct.
And your vocals, great with the vocoder bv's too. The guitar part is the hook.
In terms of suggestions, there is a lot going on structurally and it was only towards the end did I finally get which bit was the chorus. Now that maybe me being thick but its need to build to a really simple catchy chorus. So I would have gone straight to the chorus a 46 secs and make it lift off at that stage. Like dancing queen does.
Perhaps less is more for a dance track and this a caught up with a more complex show tune in a disco style?
I hope this makes sense and is helpful.
I did enjoyed it..
:)
neil
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Thank you everyone! Really appreciate you all taking the time to listen, and the criticism and feedback has been invaluable. Still have a lot to learn about dance/disco music. My next tune is a Pet Shops Boys rip off and I think I've taken all of this on board for that one :D
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Hi Jack
I liked this. Do I hear a touch of the cap to Edmyn Collins. Looking forward to your next song,
Keith