The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Jamie on January 10, 2018, 11:23:12 AM
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Hello all, it's been a while! All constructive comments welcome!
Cheers
Jamie
https://soundcloud.com/jamie1802/into-the-darkness
Into the darkness
Feel the jagged edge of love
Cruel and extreme pain without drugs
A bitter taste of loss and revenge
Looking for ways to defend and avenge
Take a step into the darkness
bible black it's oh so starless
Take those hooks from your heart
You're not thinking straight it's pulling you down
Just take your hate and turn it around
You now no good can come out of this
You know the cost can you take the risk
Adorned by roses and a crown of thorns
Crawl in the dirt covered with worms
Take all your words and twist them around
Tangles your thoughts you feel like you'll drown
take a step into the darkness
Bible black it's oh so starless
Take those hooks from your heart
You're not thinking straight it's pulling you down
Just take your hate and turn it around
You know no good can come out of this
You know the cost can you take the risk
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Hi Jamie. Really good to hear from you again. This is a very atmospheric piece. You know I always love your chord progressions and melody is always a first with you. I enjoyed the atmos you created. Excellent when the full blown stuff kicks in. Maybe it could have been earlier? Welcome back :)
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Hi Jamie
So nice to hear your unique style again!
Great atmosphere and melody lines - pitch-perfect vocals.
Love it when the horror theatre comes in near the end.
I think that would have been a great intro - the slow pace at the start dragged a little TBPH.
Good work - nice to hear you back!
Paul
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THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I will echo what pompeyjazz said: loving how atmospheric this is. Thoroughly enjoyed the entire first 3:30, and just when I thought the energy of the song had already peaked, 3:37 was the sweet release I didn't know I wanted until you delivered it. Great work.
-Tyler
PS: You've gained a new SoundCloud follower!
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A dark moody piece, bit slow to get going though, when it does it lifts a lot...should come in earlier I reckon..
as usual a very interesting chord sequence goin on...
best, Kevin :)
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Very steampunk-Smiths-esque, I'm into it! I love the lyric "bible black" - it's just one of those lyrics that's feels clever.
I must echo shadowfax in that I feel that it's a little slow to get going but lyrically and musically well suited. Good job! :)
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Yo Jamie.
A melancholic piece and a genre you do so well. Your voice is great on this,I'd find it hard to sing for sure.
I loved the phantom of the opera ending too. Tre dramatic! 8)
Loved it. :)
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Really beautiful. Dark and moody. Reminds me in mood of Bowie's later work. I'm loving the vocals, the lyrics, and the instrumental ending is lovely. Wow, that went by fast. I was listening as I was writing. Really enjoyed that, Jamie.
Lynn
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Welcome back Jamie,
words and music go well together. It may be an odd thing to say but that listening to your song was an enjoyable way to spend a Friday afternoon.
I enjoyed that :)
Keith
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Hi John, thanks for your kind words, and take your point about the arrangement. My thinking was that the words were all about thinking before acting rashly and the idea was that the unleashing of the synths and drums was to underscore the impact of acting rashly. Don't know if that makes any sense! ??? ::).Glad you got something from it!
Thanks Paul, its good to be back, just felt a little jaded and lost interest for a while. Hopefully ill be reinvigorated! Take you point about the arrangement see my comments above......Thanks for comments about unique style thats cool!
Hi Tyler, glad you enjoyed it and i can always handle more followers! i'll take beautiful!
Hi Kevin, see comments above ref arrangement! One day I'll get it right! ??? ::).Hope you got something from it!
Cheers guys its appreciated!
Jamie
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Hi exfairy, thanks for listening!Glad you got something from it! Steam punk eh! Cool.....
Hi Skub, good to hear from you! i'm wearing the mask as we speak :o ;)Thanks for the vocal comments i'm always so unsure of my vocal capabilities .
Hi Lynn, love the comments about Bowie thank you ;D Pleased you enjoyed it, makes all the hours worthwhile!
Hi Keith, I'm so glad i brightened your friday afternoon, its what I set out to do ;)
Thanks for listening guys it's appreciated!
Cheers
Jamie
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Really like this , your voice is fantastic , song reminds me of someone but I don't know who , maybe Bowie or a heaven 17 type sound . Drifts along brilliantly I imagine the smoke rising as someone sings this on top,of the pops
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Hi Katie, thanks for listening. Someone else mentioned Bowie in this thread, so that's a good thing. Not sure it's top of the pops fodder, but there you go, glad you enjoyed it! Comment ref my voice is welcome if a little ott! 8), but i'll take it ;)
Cheers Katie ;D ;D
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I loved the unusual melody and chords... very potent, like a Bond theme.
I did like the minimalism of the first verse but agree with some of the comments that it should build more quickly thereafter. To me this feels like a massive epic on which some of the faders are currently turned down if you know what I mean... really love the structure and feel of it though, and very nicely sung too. Huge potential in this track, although I realise 'going big' might compromise the subtlety you've gone for.
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Hi, someone else suggested a bond sound to another one of my songs recently! I’m not plagiarising just lucky that it sounded like something else! Yes maybe subtlety can be overdone! As I’ve said before I kept it low key (too long obviously)so that when the instrumental outro kicks in it sounds big! But I get the point as others have mentioned this before ::) :P. Pleased you got something from it! ;D
Thanks for listening!
Cheers ;D
Jamie
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I actually really like build up being towards the end. By having it there, the song's core remains moody, but we get a lift at the end just to punch things home.
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Hi Bankie, pleased somebody likes the structure and outdo ;). I think it must be my affinity with prog rock that pushes me towards longer songs and different song structures from the standard verse chorus bridge etc etc.
Glad you liked it!
Cheers
Jamie ;D
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Great intro and that bass really does its job and then you hit us with everything at the end, except my friend for me one thing was missing at the end, that chorus, right at the end, great vocals would love to have heard them at the end as well.
Great to hear again Jamie 8)
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Thanks Pat, I'm usually critiqued on lacking brevity in my writing so I wasn't going to push it with another chorus :o. Glad you enjoyed it!
Cheers ;D
Jamie
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Hi
I like this I hear elements of 'Yes' here which I like, great ending.
Royston
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As a piece of songwriting, this is excellent.
Full of unexpected twists and turns in term of chord progressions and melody, and yet not in the least bit contrived or attempting to be clever.
Great ending...a proper ending.
For me this is what songwriting is all about...expression.
Slight criticisms sound wise;
Quite a lot of buzzing from something (amp, mic etc)
The bass although central to the music is still a little loud balance wise.
You have some great chord sequences in the early/mid parts of the song and yet I’m straining to hear them. I want to audibly “swim” in them.
Well done and thanks for sharing
PNB
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Hi guys, thanks for listening!
Hi Royston, I’ve been compared to Yes and Jon Anderson before, and I have no problem with that , I’ve seen them live many times and they were a great band in the original line up.glad you enjoyed it!
Hi pnb, great comments thanks! I always work at my chord progressions I like to find original and quirky progressions that are not too ‘out there’, so I’m pleased you noticed.
Thanks again for listening, it’s appreciated!
Cheers
Jamie
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Nice and moody. Love some of the lyrics too "pain without drugs.."
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Cheers RKM, thanks for listening and commenting....cool!
8) ;D
Jamie
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Fine contrast with the moodier and slow paced melody to the dynamic ending, something like a movie score there. Glancing above I see Bowie was mentioned - and yes Hunky Dory era Bowie would have liked this I am sure. But you have your own sound, underpinned by a melancholy sweet rock voice. Good one.
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Hi Jamie,
Lovely song mate ;D Nice to hear your work again......6/7 years now ?
I remember when you only had a Boss 1200.....like me ;D ;D ;D
Don't ya just love these DAW 's ;D ;D ;D
Great work...lovely and moody/melancholic, but with an uplifting
sense of hope......I thought ::) ::)
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Hi guys, thanks for listening.
Hi MA, ill take any comparison with David B! great comments thank you very much!
Hi Bin, good to see you back, hope all goes well with you! Yes, the Boss 1200, I still wake up in a cold sweat when I think of it :o! Yes, it must be getting for that time, doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself! ;). I'm a bit disappointed you might have found some optimism in my doom laden stuff, or is that irony? ;) :o 8)
Cheers! ;D
Jamie
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Good song and well played, I especially like the BVox.
Did you play everything?
cpm
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Hi cpm, thanks for listening!Glad you got something from it! Yes I played everything except the drums. They were a combination of Logic pro x drum tracks and my Korg Kronos workstation :P.....
;D
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi,
I really missed your voice - a blast from the past!
Nice atmospheric mood from the start - perfect for the song subject. I thought the lyrics were interesting and refreshingly cliche free but the melody was a little unadventurous and the track lacked a little in energy and musical interest until around 3:40 which is a long way in and then it stopped.
So to be honest, I don't think it's your best work but parts (particularly the lyrics) were excellent.
M
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Hi Alan, good to hear from you! I Don’t expect any sugar coating and you didn’t disappoint! I’ve not been prolific since the middle of last year(glad you noticed), I’m particularly impressed that you were complimentary about my lyrics, which have always been a source of pain for me!
Always nice to hear from you!
Cheers
Jamie
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Really interesting, otherworldly feel. Great lyrics again. Got a french movie-esque feeling from this for some reason. Could imagine a george michael (older album) vibe too, and agreed with the others. Im here late in the game, but thoroughly enjoying a second listen. Some great melodies, and loving the big gothic epic blast off at the end. great outro. cx
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If to compare who you sound like in this tracks - I Would say "Moby". I would make it a little bit quicker literally just a few BPM's up. Overall I like it, the title of the song actually does the job especially to what is going on in the track from 3:39 minute. Like it.
Thank you.
Best Regards,
Slava B.
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Hi guys, thanks for listening!
Hi Caz,happy to get a positive comment on the lyric! And.....I know what you mean about George Michael, I thought that too, just wish I could sing like him! ;D
Hi SB,I’m not too familiar with Moby, but I’ll take it as a positive! :D
Seems like the outro is a hit!
Thanks again!
Cheers
Jamie