The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on January 02, 2018, 11:58:06 PM
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Happy New Year Everyone!
I wrote this a while ago but have kept it on the back burner. I'd like some feedback on it, especially if you think it reminds you too much of some other song.
It's about trying to love someone who's miserable all the time. I hope you can't relate, but I bet you can.
Thanks so much for anything you say. I really appreciate it,
Lynn
Listen to Rain Rain by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/rain-rain
Rain Rain
Hey, I was wanting to say I love you
But I'll save it for a sunny day
I was wanting to say I want you
But the clouds got in my way
Remember the day we first met
How the rain it started coming down
There haven't been any blue skies
Since you've been around
Rain rain go away
Rain rain go away
Come again someday
So, the rain is finally stopping
After 40 days and 40 nights
Now that the clouds are parting
I think I finally see the light
I wanted to say I love you
But now I'll save it for a rainy day
And without a cloud in the sky
Maybe you should go sway
Rain rain go away
Rain rain go away
Come again someday
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Hi thanks for sharing , I know someone very much like this - sounded like something from the 60s to me which isn't a criticsim , I think it would make a good album track , but then what do I know
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You know what, I think you could sing just about anything and I'd like it because of the tone of your voice. You've just got a 'hipster cool' kind of delivery that works every time with me.
On this one, you bring an interesting C&W feel to it. I guess it's pretty conventional for you, but I liked the simplicity of it, and it's a real strength of your catalogue that you can go right 'out there', and come back to convention too... a great balance. Standouts in this one for me were the jangly guitar and the way you pause before the choruses and then they arrive with a minor chord, not what I was expecting but it worked very well.
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Reckon this would be a top tenner in the sixties! :) :)
lovely commercial sound you got goin on :)
as paulyx says...very cool 8) 8) 8)
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Yes, there are some people to whom you want to say "you can decide to be miserable all your life or not, it's up to you". Unfortunately I used to be attracted to all of them...
Nowadays I'm attracted to breezy jangly clever songs like this. I like the way you don't actually say what's going on but we get that "give you some space" idea. The cheerfulness of the track works really well as if to say that you won't let their moods affect your take on life.
Nice job indeed.
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Yes, as others have said it has a great 60's vibe and I also like that jangly guitar and your voice is perfect for the arrangement. I'm a sucker for this sort of thing so this was a slam dunk for me. A very lovely thing indeed. It didn't remind me of anything else, BTW.
M
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Instant appeal to this one....lovely voice and general feel good vibe. Backing vocals are great too.
That verse melody just carries you along nicely and the change into the 'rain rain' part is great.
Interesting how you hold this off for a few bars after the verse rather than go straight into it...it's such a nice move into that 'rain' part though that it would've been good either way.
Good 'pop' length too.....why can't I ever get below 4 minutes?!?
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I absolutely love the jangly guitars and vocals on this one Lynn. It's very strong on melody and has a strong sixties feel yet also an indie feel as well. It's a perfectly honed lovely little pop song. Love it :)
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Hey Lynn,
I'm really enjoying the lyrics, they read very well and carry such rhythm. Also a fan of the two-section contrasting structure, something about it is just very satisfying.
I often fall dawn a rabbit-hole on similar style of lyric in trying to match individual lines, ('Hey, I was wanting to say I love you, But I'll save it for a sunny day' ->' So, the only sound is hateful, but the rain has gone away', sort of thing) which leads for incomplete, nonsensical songs.
Here however you've managed to find a really nice way to include clever contrast whilst progressing the story well and maintaining some mystery and insight throughout the song, such as the biblical references not being predictable from the first verse, but still relating and adding new possibilities of interpretation throughout.
So you've me on side before listening, and what can't be loved about that performance? Everything is to love - I'm not sure I can imagine a style doing these more justice with the bouncy guitar, pleasant melodies and friendly harmonies cuddling your ears. Really supports the lyric portraying a loving narrator.
I'll stop rambing sorry, all that and nothing constructive!
Keep 'em coming!
Scott.
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Hi
So what stands out for me is the interesting backing vocals right from the intro. I really love the swooping down on "rain rain"
I cant think of anything to compare this song to, its a lovely song that lilts along with a nice vocal delivery.
Now this could be controversial, but I thought it could benefit from being played in a higher key. Its just a feeling I had and I might be on my own on that one!
Thanks for posting
James
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Yeah...count me in on loving this one too
Fab vocals and tip top jangly guitar...was this one you and Keith too?
It sounds lovely and I like it very much.
ps
I've always appeared to be a right miserable bastard...the deadpan delivery of gallows humour is definitely something that has served me particularly badly over the years. Reminds me of the guy who "pretended" to by a psycho to get a lesser sentence but wound up in Broadmoor because it turned out he really WAS a psycho. It is - I think - one of the (several) reasons that I was always so unpopular with the opposite sex in my younger days. As it happens, I'm no more popular now...it just doesn't matter any more. I'm rambling again...sorry
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I read through the lyrics before listening
and I saw some lines, or images that reminded me of Prince, some of his softer stuff.
I was intrigued. I wasn't disappointed but I couldn't hear the prince influence when listening.
Nice, the song is quite light and breezy.
Earlier someone commented it might be a good album track, I understood what he meant and I agree.
Thanks for sharing.
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Hi Lynn,
what puts me off the song, as you know, is its similarity to another song. I'm pleased you've got some really good feedback and no-one else has mentioned it, so it may just be me.
I think the mix could be better though. I'd have preferred some fairly heavy drums with punch in the bass drum to drive the song. It may be me be all I can hear is the highs or a tambourine?
The bass is very good I'd leave it as is.
The backing vocals after the first verse and before the chorus should be louder and the guitar quieter. The vocals are the hook and not the guitar.
The chorus should get a bit of a bosst so it stands out more.
A short guitar solo by Slash would be the cherry on the icing on the cake. You can't always get what you want though, which is exactly what the lyrics say to me.
Keith
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Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the kind words. You've been way too generous. I'll give individual comments later, but in the meantime, I'd wonder if you'd let me know if you hear too much similarly to Knocking on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan?
Thanks again,
Lynn
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This is a very lovely lilting song Lynn :) In a way, it's hard to believe it's about a miserable person, because the song itself, makes me feel really light and happy :) I love the ooo's...they're the highlight for me and of course your beautiful vocals. The jangly guitar really adds to the 60's vibe, which I love :-*
I do not hear much of a similarly to Knocking on Heaven's Door, although the first 3 chords, once you mentioned it, sound similar, but the song itself has a totally different vibe 8) Great song writing :)
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It's a lovely song and sounds upbeat despite the morose lyrical overtones. It reminds me of happy days spent listening to pirate radio,so thanks for that memory jog. :)
Sure you may be able to flow it with Knockin,but lots of tunes have trod that path and remain unscathed. Sometimes melodies just end up where they end up. If you are pitching a song such things may matter,otherwise just let it flow and don't over analyse.
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Ayo, Writing as I listen
I like the background vocals. And I like your voice, reminds of whats her face, reminds me of christine mcvee. I like the composition but the vocals could be more forward in the mix.
I love the thumping bass. Good work with that! I really like the words to this, simple but catchy. I can hear this in like an indie flick. Harmonies are really effective. Good work. I like your song!
Cheers.
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This sounds really great to me!
Light and jangly - I can see why people say it has a 60s vibe, but at the same time it sounds like it could be one of the songs you hear played in-store in Hollister so also very of the moment, with a light, Americana feel.
A catchy gentle melody, and the slight angst in the lyrics give a nice "pull" to the song.
The voice and playing are lovely and certainly help show the song off in the best way!
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Hey
You have a cool voice...nonchalant, like a female julian casablancas ;)
Agree with everyone about the poppy 60s vibe.
Would love to hear you try a more modern indie/folk sound. Maybe by losing the chorus effects on the guitars and the fake drums?
I reckon your voice would sit very nicely with either some acoustic-y folk-indie-pop music (Im thinking sufjan stevens Carrie and Lowell) or just adding a lazy drawl to strokes style garage rock :D
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Maybe by losing the chorus effects on the guitars and the fake drums?
I'm not sure if Jess will be outraged or complimented by you thinking her drumming is fake. Those are real drums. We recorded this in my friend's third floor apartment, and it was getting late, so we had to muffle them with rags and she probably held back a bit. But I swear they're real.
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate that.
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Maybe by losing the chorus effects on the guitars and the fake drums?
I'm not sure if Jess will be outraged or complimented by you thinking her drumming is fake. Those are real drums. We recorded this in my friend's third floor apartment, and it was getting late, so we had to muffle them with rags and she probably held back a bit. But I swear they're real.
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate that.
:D That teaches me for listening on crappy earbuds on the train
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Thanks Katie
Thanks Paulx. Really flattering that you think you'd like anything I'd sing, but I can definitely prove that theory wrong. I have no range. It's why I write my own songs, so I can make something I can sing. Haha.
Thanks Kevin. A commercial one might slip in every now and then. ;)
Thank Viscount and Pompeyjazz. I always appreciate your input.
Thanks so much, Scott. You can ramble away. It's so nice to hear.
James, the BVs are my friends Jess (also on drums) and Joel (of the band Death Vessel, also on acoustic guitar and bass). They'll be glad you liked it. I have no range so probably a higher key would be awful. Haha.
PaulAds, funny, you don't seem miserable at all. Thanks so much for your kind words. This one is BK. Before Keith.
Rightly, I love Prince and he's influenced everything I've done, perhaps not in an obvious way. Thanks so much.
Keith, thank you for listening to it even though you have issues with it. You're the best.
Thanks crystalsuzy. That's good to hear. I think it's different enough, too, but was curious if anyone else thought it's too close.
Skub, I thought this would appeal to you, and be a good companion to Little Miss Monochrome. Thanks for listening.
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Thanks Adam. I always like how you interpret my lyrics. Really interesting to read your comments.
Thanks Montydog. I'm glad you liked it.
Giitlesriddles, I think I've been told that before about what's her name. Haha. Thanks for all the other comments. My friends will like them.
Thanks dasntn. I think my roots are showing. Haha.
Thanks again Ramshackles. I'm all over the place stylistically, so there might be some of that happening in some of my other songs. I didn't tell Jess you thought her drums were fake, so rest easy. Haha.
Thanks once more everyone. I have had an awful few days (2 deaths in my family) and your comments are really lovely and make me feel better.
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Hey Redrhodie
Not the first song of yours I've really enjoyed. As someone earlier mentioned it's hard not to like your singing because you've got such a great tone! This song is lovely and with great lyrics.
I enjoy your music and look forward to hearing more. Thumbs up from me. I can't really offer anything constructive because I have no nits to pick here.
All the best
Darren
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Hi Lynn, sorry to hear about your bad news. Hope you are OK.
Just wanted to say I listened again and think you are completely safe with the Knocking on Heavens Door comparison. I could only really spot that similarity in the first few bars and you quickly establish a very different feel. I wouldn't expect a lawsuit from Mr Zimmerman.
Sending ya positive vibes.
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Enjoyable listen - very retro .....in a style that i really like anyway so its a no brainer for me.
it will defiantly get a second listen. :)
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Think this is the first I've heard of yours (but my memory may be playing tricks on me).
Anyway, I'm late for the party and basically joined in to say +1 to everything said about the 60's vibe, great vocals (that needs to come up a tad in the mix imo) etc.
A very pleasant acquaintance :)
One thing, and it may just me my perception of tempo being askew but to me the guitar playing straight 1/4th's at around 1.27 and a few seconds onwards is a bit out of sync?
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Hey Redrhodie
Not the first song of yours I've really enjoyed. As someone earlier mentioned it's hard not to like your singing because you've got such a great tone! This song is lovely and with great lyrics.
I enjoy your music and look forward to hearing more. Thumbs up from me. I can't really offer anything constructive because I have no nits to pick here.
All the best
Darren
Thanks Darren. The feeling is mutual. I like your songs.Hi Lynn, sorry to hear about your bad news. Hope you are OK.
Just wanted to say I listened again and think you are completely safe with the Knocking on Heavens Door comparison. I could only really spot that similarity in the first few bars and you quickly establish a very different feel. I wouldn't expect a lawsuit from Mr Zimmerman.
Sending ya positive vibes.
Thanks again Paul. I'm okay, thanks for the concern. I appreciate the vibes. Enjoyable listen - very retro .....in a style that i really like anyway so its a no brainer for me.
it will defiantly get a second listen. :)
Thanks Morefrog Jones. Glad you liked it.
Think this is the first I've heard of yours (but my memory may be playing tricks on me).
Anyway, I'm late for the party and basically joined in to say +1 to everything said about the 60's vibe, great vocals (that needs to come up a tad in the mix imo) etc.
A very pleasant acquaintance :)
One thing, and it may just me my perception of tempo being askew but to me the guitar playing straight 1/4th's at around 1.27 and a few seconds onwards is a bit out of sync?
That's entirely possible, Jambrains. We played without a click track. Also, the set up was such that we couldn't play all together, so we did guitars first, drums last. In other words, we're lucky it sounds this good. Haha. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for the feedback.
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So you ditched the guy because he couldn't control the weather. Despicable.
Is this sunshine pop or raindrop pop? Either way it's impossible not to love the carefree vibe you get on this stuff.
That analogue sound is a winner with me aswell.
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So you ditched the guy because he couldn't control the weather. Despicable.
Is this sunshine pop or raindrop pop? Either way it's impossible not to love the carefree vibe you get on this stuff.
That analogue sound is a winner with me aswell.
Thanks so much, silver machine. Raindrop pop has a better ring to it. I'll go with that.
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Hi,
Good direct and catchy tune. Which provides a good platform for you. Dreamy vocals and story.
Like the guitars and harmonies. It's like it's been demo found in the vault and has its own charm.
Neat one
:)
Neil
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Hi RedRhodie
Nice song, and a great idea.
I felt that the verses might benefit from a bit of variety to the melody, and meter of the lyrics, I found myself knowing what was coming all too soon, take a risk and hike the melody upwards, or downwards, and leave out lyrics making space for the melody that people have in their heads from the first verse.
As they say in Jazz, if it's more than 50% predictable people will be bored, and less than 50% then they'll also be bored.
Hope you don't mind.
CPM
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Thanks Neil. I appreciate the kind words. Glad you liked it.
Interesting thoughts cpm, but it seems I'm damned to be boring no matter what. Oh well. I guess you can't win 'em all.
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Hi, a nice uplifting 60's vibe to this. Like the vocals they suit the vibe, and it didn't sound too much like anything I know ???.
Well done!
Cheers
Jamie
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This is really good, love the coolest of it all, great imagery of a live stage performance and that is one of the coolest imagery i had in a while, are you in band 8)
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Hi, a nice uplifting 60's vibe to this. Like the vocals they suit the vibe, and it didn't sound too much like anything I know ???.
Well done!
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks for listening, Jamie.
This is really good, love the coolest of it all, great imagery of a live stage performance and that is one of the coolest imagery i had in a while, are you in band 8)
Yes, I'm in a band. Right now it's me, Dave and Keith. We don't play live at this point.
Thanks for the nice words.
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Hi Lynn,
It reminds me of that song... insert title of a quality 60s song. ;D
Nothing leapt out at me - just sounded great.
I'm a sucker for 60s rock/pop, so it works for me.
Strong tune and vocal delivery.
What's not to like?
Digger
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Hi,
Lovely 60's vibe. Very good vocals and groovy rhythm.
Not sure if I like the jangly guitars ...
Anyway, Good stuff!
refusedrevival
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Hi Lynn,
What's not to like?
Digger
Thanks Digger. You can ask our friend that question.
Hi,
Lovely 60's vibe. Very good vocals and groovy rhythm.
Not sure if I like the jangly guitars ...
Anyway, Good stuff!
refusedrevival
Thanks for that, refused revival. Glad you liked it.