The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Katie Wilson on January 01, 2018, 11:26:57 PM
-
Underneath the trees
Underneath the trees
Where we used to play
lies a stone , that I buried for me and you
It's such a long time ago, now
but every now and then
it comes to my mind
the words that we shared , at the time
we're gonna be friends , forever
nothing's gonna spoil our dream
as we kissed and shared an ice cream
and buried that stone , in our hearts
It's been such a long time now
but I know that , you're like me
and you'll take it, to the grave and beyond
because under the trees
and the green leaves
we made a bond, that's not broken
although no words were spoken , on that day
and our lives went separate ways
that stone still lies there
and so do the words in my soul
underneath the trees
Where we used to play
lies a love that's buried , forever
-
Hey lady your'e doing this all wrong.
you need to review other peoples work if you want them to look at yours, thats the deal here.
You're also swamping the board with your own work, so other peoples stuff gets pushed off.
You need to play fair.
-
Sorry is it ok just to,post then in one place then . I do apologise I'll,keep,them in one place xxx
I've tried to delete them but I cant but,I'll,just add them to,the same one really sorry again xxx
Decided it's best if I leave I didn't mean to cause any trouble sorry again xxx
-
No post each lyric separate. Read and comment on other peoples efforts. They will then be more inclined to respond to your work.
Slow down your submission rate. When youve got a good amount of feedback on one song then it's time to post another. That way you dont swamp the board.
We understand your eagerness, but we all have to be aware of everyone else here.
-
I tried to send Katie a message to encourage her to stay with us, but she has apparently already left the forum. :'( I can go to her profile, but I can't send her a message....and she's no longer on the list of members.
-
Hi Katie,
If you happen to follow this thread then please consider returning to the forum. I couldn't imagine that anyone has been offended by your posts. There is a small learning curve re forum etiquette that's all. Sometimes it's easy to deviate from the forum rules a little. There is a good collection of people here who have various talents and who will from time to time, offer to help you. I'm confident that you'll settle in quickly if you decide to return. come on back and I for one will offer to set this set of lyrics to music I.e, vocal melody and chords.
I hope that you reconsider and decide to return to the forum.
Paul
-
Hi apolgies all round , I am silly and over sensitive, at the moment I just write and write at will , I shall refrain from putting to many lyrics down and just share what I consider my best ones .
And thanks Paul for that kind over that would be amazing xxx
-
Cool :-) I'll hopefully take a look at your lyrics tomorrow (got a long car journey today). I'll have a look at your song more closely when I return and will add melody and chords.
Relax into the forum and enjoy the experience.
Paul
-
Wow that would be fantastic , thank you
-
Hi
thought I would post on these lyrics just to say that out of what you have posted so far, this is my favourite :)
I like some of the images you conjure in the lyrics. I'd explore this more in your next works. In some of your other lyrics I felt you were spelling out too exactly your thoughts/story and not leaving enough up to the listener.
Of course this is subjective, but I like it when there is just enough information to allow you to imagine some vivid imagery and develop your own interpretation than when every detail is spelled out.
This is contrasted in your first two verses:
Underneath the trees
Where we used to play
lies a stone , that I buried for me and you
It's such a long time ago, now
but every now and then
it comes to my mind
the words that we shared , at the time
First verse is quite nice and conveys quite a lot of information in relatively few words. The second verse is not as good, IMO - quite a lot of words used to say fairly little. There is very little for me, as a listener to think about or interpret.
Can the sentiment be condensed into something more poetic?
As a quick example, you can pack a similar sentiment plus a little more imagery into a line such as:
Though my face is worn now
Snatches of moments somehow appear
Ok, not a great example, but my point is, for each statement, thought or snippet of story you want to include, try to analyse what you are saying and ask yourself:
- Is it succinct enough?
- Can it be more poetic?
- Does it serve the story/emotion/etc I am trying to convey?
I think there is lots of potential here :)
-
Thanks Ramshackles I really appreciate the feedback , I get where you are coming from and I shall use it in my next set of lyrics
Thanks Katie X
-
Hi Katie,
I really like some of the imagery here.
I played a little piano to this tonight and submitted something to Logic Pro (my Digital audio workstation). It quickly became apparent to me that it's written in a free style. With your permission, I'd like to take the best parts of the imagery and craft this into a structured framework. I also think that this will be a great learning experience for you as a lyric writer and is very important to your development as a songwriter. :-)
Paul
-
Great do whatever you like xxx
-
Hello Katie,
I've spent a little time today, rewriting and setting your lyrics/ideas to music. It is now complete. I was responding to your personal message but unfortunately, your profile is no longer listed.
If you'd like to hear/read what I have done, then please log on to the forum and send me another personal message,
Paul
-
Hi Katie,
Just in-case your profile has permanently been deleted, I thought I would post the following lyrics. They have been set to a very delicate piano track. I think they capture the essence of your message.
Underneath The Trees
Underneath the trees,
where we used to play,
Lies a stone that’s buried there for you.
That was long ago
many summer’s past.
How I often often think about our love.
A kiss once given can never be undone.
The briefest moment, like ice-cream in the sun.
Underneath the trees,
promises remain;
cherry blossom drifting on the breeze.
Underneath the trees,
we will always be.
Say that you’ll be waiting there for me.
A kiss once given, can never be undone.
The briefest moment, like ice-cream in the sun.
Taken to the grave,
a promise that we’ll keep.
My love and I will sleep and then return.
Underneath the trees,
where we used to play,
Lies a stone that’s buried there for you.
Come on back Katie. I have made quite a beautiful recording.
Paul
-
Going to bump this thread several times over the coming days in case Katie happens to look at the forum. It would be a shame not to hear what I have recorded.
Underneath The Trees
Underneath the trees,
where we used to play,
Lies a stone that’s buried there for you.
That was long ago
many summer’s past.
How I often often think about our love.
A kiss once given can never be undone.
The briefest moment, like ice-cream in the sun.
Underneath the trees,
promises remain;
cherry blossom drifting on the breeze.
Underneath the trees,
we will always be.
Say that you’ll be waiting there for me.
A kiss once given, can never be undone.
The briefest moment, like ice-cream in the sun.
Taken to the grave,
a promise that we’ll keep.
My love and I will sleep and then return.
Underneath the trees,
where we used to play,
Lies a stone that’s buried there for you.
Come on back Katie. I have made quite a beautiful recording.
Paul
-
Wow thank you -you done that for me , I am up and down like a yo-yo - I will listen and send a personal message xxx