The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Darren1664 on December 14, 2017, 05:53:07 PM
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Hey
So this little project started a while back and I am pleased to be able to share it now, and I must thank again Pompey for all his work on getting this track to where it is now. He produced and added backing vocals, synth, the drums and probably more to this track. He's done a fab job and I am really pleased to have him work on another one of my tracks.
I am not overly keen on my own vocals (I struggle to hit the right notes). If you agree I'd love to hear any comment on improving my voice.
The song is basically about those things in life that we know aren't good for us but we simply can't resist them. We tell ourselves that a little bit more will be fine, that when the time is right we'll give up and move on but we just slip further and further into them because we're hooked.
Here's the link:
https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/man-reborn-1
and the lyrics:
Man Reborn
I ride a boat to the fires of hell
I let my shame draw from the well
Of my soul, of my soul.
and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row.
Darker and darker my mind will go
Let blindly by a desire to know
Just how far I can go, Just how far I can row
and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row. Onwards I row...
And I've grown attached to the boat I ride
Consequences I've learned to hide
From myself
From those that love me best
and if I cared enough then
I'd seek help from above
I'd reach out with both hands
For guidance back to land
and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn...
and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...
Onwards I row.
Many thanks to all. AND MASSIVE THANKS TO POMPS!!
All the best
Darren
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Hey Darren man, youre a pilgrim in a sick and twisted world dude.
Most rock songs are about getting up some speed on that highway to hell, but you wannna do a handbrake turn and check out the self help literature! Youre a saint, man!
One question man, why are you in a boat on the highway to hell? It aint a canal to hell yknow?
Musically, yeah unusual riff and beat, very proggy but catchy, 1970s low bpm, tailor made for unsteady dudes in platform heels.
Liked it man, made me want to stomp about the house.
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Hi Darren.
This is awesome. Liked it on the first listen, LOVED it on the second. It's got a real groove and is very very catchy in a slight slow burn kind of way. In my opinion, you don't need to worry about improving your voice. Not on this song at any rate. Your vocal range suits the key and it's not the kind of song where you need the vocals to be pitch perfect- not that they are noticeably off.
The lyrics and vocals are great. As is the guitar. What a great sound!
I'm not 100% sold on the synth. It starts to sound a little bit Pet shop Boys at one point, not that that is a bad thing. Just that the synth is a little high in the mix for my personal tastes. The guitar is the real star for me. Great ending too.
This is my fave song of yours by a mile Darren, really great work. Cheers Micky.
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Wau.. guitar caught me from first moment , nicee
But voice looks for me little atmospheric and too dry , but if you will remaster it it will be Great
Nice lyrics i Quite like them
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This is great guys.....lovin it ;D
Moves along really well....great gtrs. I think your vox is fine Darren.
No one is ever happy with their vocals ;D ;D . Truth be told......
So don't worry ;D It has it all...confident, in the zone and full of
character.....what more do you want ;D ;D
Loved it ;D ;D
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Remember this one very well. Some songs on here - no disrespect anybody - don't stick in my head much but this one did.
Don't remember what I said about it before except that the 'and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn but no...' line is a cracker lyrically and melodically and I probably mentioned Jona Lewie.
Not 100% convinced that the treatment is right (though I'm getting used to it) but it's great to hear the bigger treatment nevertheless. Vocal ain't that bad either old son...maybe you could experiment with trying it in a higher key? Maybe you've done that already but if I'm not wrong this is in the same key as you did it before (I had a relisten to the old one) so maybe you've just gone with the key you wrote it in and not experimented....
Great song anyway. Bloody marvellous!
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Hi Darren,
Enjoyed this, liked the dirty, driving guitar riff and the rhythmic lyrics.
I didn't really notice an issue with the vocals but as suggested earlier, taking the key up might help you as it's quite low in you register.
Something else that might help is playing a guide melody in to use while your recording. The melody has a lot of movement which can be tricky to pitch and often when a note is quite a leap from the previous one,nthat can be tough too. A guide melody would help you securely pitch the notes and then you just delete it when you're done.
Yodasdad
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This is just great
I enjoyed listening from beginning to end, twice (!)
It made me smile and then unexpectedly chuckle.
Well done Darren! and Pompey!
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Great lyric, refreshingly honest and clued-up...with a super, bone-crushing backing from PJ.
Brilliant work, fellas!
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Hey hey
Thanks all for the listen and the feedback! Really appreciate the time and effort you forum goers put in
Silver Machine
Haha thank you. Great comments. I think I'm more of a 'sensi' than a saint. Most of my songs are about me trying to figure out what going on inside so are generally very reflective and self helpy. I guess I'm in a boat because I'm using the traitors passage :P Thanks for the feedback and all the best.
mickyplankton
Wow thank you! Really please about your comments with my voice. I suppose I notice the off notes more than other may but I'm you don't feel it affects the song. I appreciate your comments regarding the synth, although it something I particularly liked as I don't often get to use it (because I don't know how) :P. Really pleased to hear your comments. Cheers.
Pacho
Thank you for your kind comments. I'm really please you liked it.
Binladeda
Wow another great feedback, thank you. Chuffed again that you think my vocal is fine :) that's really nice to hear. I'm really pleased as well that you liked it - "confident, in the zone and full of character" you flatter me :P thank you so much!
Viscount
I really appreciate your time as you were very helpful during the WiP. Also really chuffed with your comments especially regards the lyrics. Your 100% right with the key - I never experiment but this is something I ought to work on! Thanks for the tip. All the best (and very much looking forward to the finished version of your WiP ;))
Yodasdad
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed and appreciate your helpful comments. A guide melody sound like a great idea. Something I can incorporate into my key choice. It's really great to get tips like this. Thank again for your time pal.
Rightly
Thank you very much for listening (twice?! ;D) and for your kind feedback!
PaulAds
Ahh really nice to hear mate. I'm quite precious about my lyrics so any compliment to them make me beam!! Thanks for listening and commenting.
Thank you all!
Darren
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Wow, I don't know how I missed this. Great song. I think your voice sounds fantastic. Love the driving rhythm and the melody. Lyrics are stuck in my head already. Really cool.
Lynn
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This song caught me from the first moment I heard it. It's one of those songs that won't go away and you sure don't want it to go away. Always difficult to comment on a song you have worked on as there iare going to be bias but I love this song ☺
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So funny! and I love this part "and I often think in quieter times, if I don't sink too low, that I might rise above these flames a man reborn..."
The reverb sounds me perhaps too different of the backing... too separated? Perhaps my headphones make me think that...
Me encanta.!!
Mora
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Yes! Onward we all row, don't we? ;D ;D
Good stuff guys. I liked the echo treatment on the lead vocals and the lyrics are solid.
Nice work
Paul
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I really liked your vocals, so there. For me this one didn't grab me at first but then the keys came in and really likted it. Perhaps they could come in a bit earlier, in the background? Also liked the theme and lyrics, and the onwards I row works well as a hook. Good one!
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I've listened to this stomper a few times over the past weeks and it grows on me like a 3 day stubble.
Top work Darren and John. 8)
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Nice one,
I enjoyed this its got a good synchronised grove going on. I liked the meaty guitars and drums with had an 80's feel.
And I liked the deep tone of your vocals for much of this. The verses work well, the bit I'm less sure about is the chorus and to a degree the pre chorus. There are a couple of line where you've a lots of words and you slip down ( sink so low ) or up to the note on the chorus. I'd consider doing multiple takes between lines to give yourself time to breath and work on hitting the notes that offend, you're not far off but as others have said you are melodically jumping around a fair bit.
Well produced and not too long.
Good luck
:)
Neil
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Liking this song..everything works nicely, the almost spoken vocal fits it perfectly..good job!!!
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I know I've already commented on this but.....it's bloody great!
Love it!
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How did I miss this one?!
It's ace. That sawing rhythm of the main guitar is what really makes it for me.
The best one of yours I've heard Darren. Really nice half-sung half-narrated delivery - your voice sounds a bit Mark Lanegan in places... deep down and gruff.
The only bit I didn't like was the synths, they just felt a bit out of place to me - I'd swap them for a nice gnarly guitar solo I think.
That's a tiny crit about an epic song though - hats off to both of you.
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Great lyric writing and a good song - love the feel of the backing track music.
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Wow some more great comments, thanks forum!!
redrhodie
Thank you so much, really glad you liked it :)
Pompz
What can I say, you brought it to life! Thank you so much :)
moraamarolaloba
Thanks for listening and commenting and for the feedback on the reverb! Really please you liked it :)
Paulski
Yes we do :P thanks for listening and for your kind comments
adamfarr
Thanks Adam, great to hear all the positive feedback regarding my vocal. It amazes me how a few have been like 'not sure on the keys' and you're like 'can you bring em in earlier' :P just shows that a lot comes down to tastes. Thank for listening and you comments :)
Skub
Haha glad it does!! And thank you for enjoying it!!
Neil C
Thanks you very much. Your comments on tracking my vocals are real helpful. Only recently worked out how to do this in Reaper but it is something I am definitely going to implement and practice.
shadowfax
Thank you for listening and commenting!!
Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra
That you have come back to comment again means a lot and makes me smile! Thank you Viscount :)
PaulyX
Thanks very much! For listening and your very kind comments :) Mark Lanegan, one to look up :P
Morefrog Jones
Thanks Morefrog!! I am glad you liked it
Thank you all for listening and commenting really means a lot, and your comment really help me move forward with this music production malarky.
All the best
Darren
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By the end of listening to this I went from not liking it to really liking it. I love hearing songs that have non-obvious melodies and chords and you've got a great chorus there. The lyrics read quite melodramatic but then the actual music is this kind of fun, deapan Lou Reed/Jona Lewie kind of execution which seems to thumb its nose at the seeming doom and gloom in the lyrics and say "ahh life sucks, who cares, chin up".
I can see what you're saying about the vocal, the sort of slightly off-key thing is defs a valid style but its a tightrope and the more complex melody lines can tend not to come over - I'd love to hear the chorus slightly more nailed, pitch-wise. Ignore the sticks-in-mud who are poo-pooing your synths. They're like the people who toured with the Beatles in '62 and went "ooo, shaking your mop tops? I'd drop that if I were you".