The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: rightly on December 03, 2017, 09:18:30 AM
-
Hello. I wrote this about 2 years ago.
I remember not being excessively happy with the local Divas.
The song was brewing for a while, I got distracted with other songs and forget how to play this on guitar.
Instead of learning the song again, I decided to get busy with Cubase.
... and this is the result. Hope you enjoy it.
https://soundcloud.com/rightly/see-you-first
Rightly
Feedback would be very welcome!!
See You First
a good axe, a fine form and a full house
can you dig this scene of clockwork clowns?
little hierarchies 'mongst the mediocre
I'm all too often hit when this stuff comes down
watch that river running in reverse
you will not see me, not if I should see you first
-
the brothel basement, walled in, tortured soul
blind to beauty from pillar to post
sings like a cowboy, never once saw a horse
'standing in what looks like bordelaise sauce
should you think that it could get no worse
you don't phase me, not in any universe
-
walk barefoot n' I've got dirty feet
like any sailor far away from sea
-
with a little love, what is there to lose?
no one going nowhere no time soon
inane skeletons, all poised for conquest
n' falling nothing short of the burlesque
over-hyped, deluded amateurs
we'll step outside, I'll take anything that hurts
-
watching the river run in reverse
you will not see me, not if I should see you first
_____________________________________________________
-
Jacques Brel meets Nick cave and the Bad Seeds with a touch of Alex Harvey, brilliant. Impressive lyrics with a melody to go with them.
The only thing that I'd change is the musical interlude at about 2:16. It doesn't seem to go with the mood of the song. That may just be me though.
Keith
-
Hi Rightly.
I'm a massive fan of your music. But your move to Cubase is how I imagine it was for Dylan's fans when he switched to electric, albeit on perhaps a smaller scale :-)
In short, it takes a bit of getting used to. Some of your unique style, particularly with regard to rythm, is lost in the transition. And a great song becomes a lot more conventional sounding because of it.
I do like the organ, but I don't like the percussion. In particular that rim shot or whatever it is, just is irritating quite frankly as the song progresses. Appreciate you are getting used to a new DAW, and it's great that your music is evolving, but I think you should rethink the percussion in this instance and possible up the vocals slightly in the mix so that this wonderful song gets the backing it deserves.
Cheers,
Micky
-
Rightly!
Feck that was good - FECK!! ;D ;D
Lyrics are astounding!! ;D ;D
Sounded like the doors at times but totally original.
and..
Fecking good ;D ;D
That's all I got - tips hat and leaves room..
Paul
-
Probably the best set of lyrics I’ve seen here. In fact, I like them as much as anything I’ve ever seen anywhere. I wrote something from a very similar perspective many years ago...but I’m relieved to find that I can’t remember how inferior it was compared to this.
Musically, it’s perhaps a little experimental at the moment...but it’s a big step forwards for you.
I’ve read the words many times over and like them more each time.
Knocked me out cold :)
-
Yes it's a great lyric and sounds great the way you enounce it. Some neat, unusual-in-a-song words which I would never think of for a song but which you make work brilliantly.
The backing is maybe not quite right but I still really like it....appealing as anything..the whole song is. The nutty breaks at 1.00 and 2.15 are my least favourite bits but so what...
Maybe could be chopped down about half a minute....
Sure to be a big hit!
-
Sensational set of lyrics as usual Rightly. This has a slightly different sound to what we're used to you, I guess it's due to your move into cubebase. It's quirky and unusual and I really liked it :)
-
The lyric is an interesting abstract, but it doesn't suggest anything tangible. Not to me, anyways. But, I must admit to being sometimes slow on discovery. Maybe a hint as to what you were conjouring ;D.
The melody is generic; however, your delivery is forceful and poignant......now, if I just knew what you are singing about :o
Always a marvel...........
8)-Tom
-
A really tightly packed song... dense lyrics full of imagery in every single line, and lots of layers of instruments all doing interesting things. Sometimes I wondered if I'd like a tad more space in the music to be able to hear what's going on a bit more (especially as the bassline sounds so interesting) but then again I did also like the insistence of it as it is... it is sort of relentless about making its point. A great way to lampoon who you're writing about without being too obvious about it. Dunno what the river in reverse is but I got a sense of the rest and loved it.
-
Hi, your song creates a scenary full of the grotesque of life and its black and white shadows. It reminds me some french and spanish singer-sonwriter style, it is normal, you are describing a reality through the modern poetry...
Good track!
Hasta pronto. Mora
-
That was truly great. A piece of art. Fantastic, compelling lyrics. Music suited it perfectly. Loved it.
Lynn
-
This is crying out for a crisp acoustic to play alongside those cool drums. I still think there is scope to lift this to new heights with further instrumentation and a vocal lift strategically placed in the structure.
Well done, yet I still hear new avenues that you might explore with this one.
Paul
-
Thanks for all that feedback. It's valuable, I appreciate it.
Although I'd really like to I haven't time to answer every post individually.
So I'm marvellously learning Cubase.
I'll make some fabulous mistakes which I won't be able to unmake.
It's quite time consuming but I'm lovin' it.
There are a lot of new possibilities with Cubase, still I won't stop rocking out with the stripped down basics of guitar n' voice.
lol. I get criticized whatever I do.
I've a whole bunch of songs that need recording, I expect Xmas to help me find the time.
It's all good, I feel like I'm moving forward.
Thanks for the attention, the best is yet to come.
Rightly.
-
Great stuff - really enjoyed it.
When i get a bit more time hope to revisit the song to delve more deeply into the layers of a really good sounding piece of music.
-
Thank you for all the positive and constuctive feedback
I think I'll leave this as it and move on.
Lots more to come.
Live and learn,
Rightly.
-
Great lyrics, as everyone else has noted 8) Well sung too :) I found the backing track made me feel a little uncomfortable, which is probably what you were going for, so well done :)
Good for you for getting into Cubase...way more than I could handle ::)
-
yes!
thanks Crystalsuzy, you're a star!
you're perceptive. The song isn't meant for a comfortable listen.
The music is jarring, as is the place which the singer is in. I'm glad you that.
Really, you don't get along so well with Cubase?
I'm really enjoying it, and making prfress with it.
There are plenty times when something goes wrong and I don't know how to correct it, it can be very frustrating.
It's effecting the way I play my acoustics. I think I can go back if I want - so that must mean I'm expanding. Exciting times for me.
I'm glad you like it!
-
Wow ;D ;D . Blew me away....
Lovin the groove. Bass and drums are excellent. Great arrangement..
Shades of Morrisey and, well, genius...in the vox and lyrics ;D
You have real style my friend...
If anything, and in the spirit of perfection, as it's excellent as is....
I think it's just a tad too busy. Just drums, bass, keys and vox for me ;D
Love it...
I'm a fan ;D ;D ;D