The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: LostBoy on October 22, 2017, 12:06:57 AM
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Hey everyone,
It's been a while, but this song has just for some reason taken forever to get finished! Sigh...this one is a sculpture for sure, I tried sooo many things before settling on what I initially started with!! :D
Anyway, it's done now, which is great, but I've had it for too long to be objective about it any more.
This is where you guys come in... ;D
Is it any good?? Haha! Simple as that!!
All thoughts good & bad are very welcome. Cheers!
Leo
https://soundcloud.com/leo-b-5/time-machine
Time machine
Life just lately,
seems to me that my whole worlds gone crazy
I'd give anything to just escape it
Leave my troubles in the dust.
Well I remember
When we were young & mum and dad would fight
Our imagination took us to the sky with
Just some crayons and a box.
We built our rocket you and I
Saved the world so many times
Nothing could touch us we were so high
Chorus.
If I had a time machine I'd go back to '85
I'd grab my telescope sit back and watch us fly
Staring down the sun
Every battle won
Those were the days my friend.
Well years go by &
All the innocence gets left behind
But I will never forget those times
When the world was at our feet
And man those 80's
When every television show was great
Yeah our imagination cleared the plate
We were living the daydream everyday.
We built our tree house by the brook
Found treasure everywhere we looked
Life was good.
Chorus
Oh take me back, far away when we were kids
When summers never ended & life was just pretend.
Oh let's go back to a simpler time than this
When life was just a playground
Our hearts were innocent.
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I'm no judge of what's good and what isn't...but I like it! :) I especially like all the clever near rhymes you used. Excellent, in my opinion.
There were some background oooo's that might have been out of tune, although it's likely I don't understand the chord that's in play at the moment, so maybe not. :-\
Vicki
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Great stuff!
I liked the switch to falceto - so gentle and right on the spot!
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Lost boy,
I could listen to your tunes and honeyed vocals all day long. As this is no exception, it has a Gary Barlow feel to it, which is a complement.
The only thing I wasn't certain about was the sampled(?) counter melody that was inserted a various point after the chorus, i.e. 1.15 sec.
Anyway its lovely piece
Majestic
:) :)
neil
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Is it any good? :P It's VERY good.
Really enjoyed listening to this. So easy to listen to. I think lyrics, the vocals and background music are brilliant. I have no nits to pick at all. Great work
Thanks
Darren
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This is top notch stuff Leo :) Your vocals are always absolutely top notch, you've got an amazing vocal range. Lovely melody and atmosphere and nice sentiments in the lyrics. Top drawer stuff :)
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Hi Vicki,
Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad u like it. ;D
Haha! I promise the "ooohs" are in tune, I think it's just that they are maybe not what people would expect right there. ;)
I'm glad you like the lyrics & hey you are an awesome judge of what works for YOU. ;D
2tuoo Thanks mate! ;D
Neil... thanks so much mate. You are always so nice about my songs, it gives me great confidence moving forward. So cheers man. (Ps, sampled singing???:D come on man! That's all me! Haha!!)
Darren...thanks very much buddy! That's very encouraging. I appreciate your time. :D
Pompey...you sir are too kind!!! Thanks a million:D
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Hi Leo,
Outstanding song mate. Nice to hear you including your kids ;D ;D
Beautiful piano, and your voice is always a pleasure to hear.
I did think there could be a bit more of an intro before you started
singing, but then it would be a bit long I fear ;D ;D As it is, 4.20 is
pushing it......
Love the lyrics....full of nostalgia. An amazing piece of work. This will be
a priceless memory for your kids in years to come.
Absolutely blown away mate.....loved it ;D
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Yo Leo.
One of my favourite things on this forum is to click on a Lostboy song and listen to the great vocals. Man I could listen to you sing the bloody phone book. :)
The song plays on the old nostalgia thing which is cool,because it neatly sidesteps the maudlin and the cheesy and remains classy.
The only gripe I have is,you don't post anywhere near enough songs Leo,so get it friggin' sorted man. ;)
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Haha! I promise the "ooohs" are in tune, I think it's just that they are maybe not what people would expect right there. ;)....
Yeah, the more I listened to them, the more I was pretty sure I was wrong. They were too solid to be pitchy. Like you said, it just wasn't what I expected. ;D
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That is great, I love the nostalgia factor, and the lyrics really capture the mood, and as for the vocal, well its outstanding, well done mate, a real cracker of a tune.
Mikey
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Hi Lost Boy! Really great work, really. I liked it very much. Perhaps the child voice could sound lower? It is the only thing I can say you that I noticed was not in the ensemble... But, what does mean this in a so good song? See you. Mora
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I am a fan of this,
Really nice track and vocal is smooth and very easy to listen to.
Great work Leo...really nice.
I am gunna get a Simba if it makes me sing this good, or its going back in the box.
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Fabulous writing - the crayons and the clearing the plate are just too good.
The chorus really lifts and is super catchy - just what a chorus should be.
Some lovely touches all through it buillds just right for me.
And you have that voice - totally distracts me from all the rest, just a pleasure to hear. (A very small thing - could it be a bit too compressed? - to me it could do with a touch more airiness somewhere).
Great song. Your machine would need to take me back a bit further than the 80s though!
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Hey There
I agree it's a very well written piano ballad.
I knew the instruments would kick in :)
Very good. Everything fits together very well and I can't criticise much.
Maybe some delay and reverb could be added here and there to make it a little more creamy.
All good
B
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Hey Leo, I think it's all been said already but I can only concur, this is a lovely song in which your vocals are the shining star. I'm sure so many people will identify with the sentiment, and I'm glad you made it about childhood, not about going back to a better time in a love affair (that's been done to death). Bit like Vickie something felt pitchy to me about the middle note in the "ooohs", I knew you (of all people) couldn't be singing flat so it must be intentional, but my ears wanted it a semitone higher. That's the only thing you could possibly question about these vocals though - they're spot on, and emotive without being OTT. Great track.
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Binladeda- thanks so much! U are always so nice about my songs & voice. It is much appreciated! Yes an intro would be lovely I agree, I just couldn’t spare 8 bars timewise :) & yes, I was so happy to get my 2 year old son on here. Thanks again! ;D
Skub- thanks very much mate! Yes I need to write more I know! ;D I am onto the next one already.... the fun part for me is the writing & singing & I can do that part at a reasonable pace...the part that takes bloody ages for me is the music!! ??? ;D
Vicki- Haha! Well...a few people on a couple of diff forums have shared your thoughts now...maybe I am out of tune on the ooohs afterall? :o I’m not too proud too admit a possible mistake of judgement, however i guess it sounds nice to me, but it’s weird because it IS a dissonant harmony line, which is assossiated with unpleasantness! Sooooo? ;D
Mikey- thanks a lot man for taking the time to listen and comment. ;D
Mooramarolaloba- thx so much! Haha! Yes u r maybe right about the kid being high in the mix....however that’s my 2yr old son ;D...and who wouldn’t crank the volume on there kid? Haha!
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Oh Lostboy - you and your velvet throat! ;D ;D
Green with envy.
This is an epic piece of art IMO.
Love the vocals and the piano especially.
A couple of oohs sounded odd to my tin ears as well, but I quickly told myself to shut up because the rest is so stellar.
Paul
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Sounds absolutely fantastic.
Your voice is really great...it always is, but some songs help show it off a bit more I guess...and this one seems to.
It’s funny how different times mean different things to different people. 1985 was probably as bad as things got for me...not just personally...but the whole social and political thing that was happening around then was, in many ways, where the “good old days” looked to have been ritually disembowelled by vacuous consumerism, greed and spite...oh dear...there I go again ::)
Wonderful song...and a really lovely performance.
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@Caw productions, Adamfarr, thebutcher & ALL THE PAULS!! ;D Thanks so much guys for your generous feedback. I really appreciate it. :D
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I am happy to report that I have FIXED THE OUT OF TUNE “Ooooohs!” ;D
A HUGE THANKS to all who brought them to my attention. ;D that’s why this forum is so awesome and useful.
Initially I just couldn’t hear that they were off, then I played the part on a piano & well....they were actually pretty bad! Haha! To fix them, as I don’t have any pitching software I literally had to just record the “oooh” melody with a piano onto the track, then sing over that piano until I bloody well got it right! :D which I’m not too proud to tell u took me longer than I thought....haha! It turns out that the “Ooooh” shape and sound is my vocal Everest! ...well, that and MJ’s “Man in the mirror” on karaoke nights!!! ;) ;D
Cheers again everyone.
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Really tender and tasty composition, arrangement, performance. Singing about my era, and I felt it. Nice work! I could've used a bigger final chorus, felt like it needed a big drum fill and some 80s power chords :)
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Yeah..just listened, this is a fine song, no crits from me..a fine song mate!! :) :)
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Is it and good?
YES!
Simple as that.
Actually, its great mate, the lyrics, melody, orchestration...love it all...very nice.
Perhaps ever so slightly dated in terms of the production/arrangement but I like that. I'd quite like to wind the clock back a bit in terms of the music that's around now.
Glad I listened.
Yodasdad
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Is this good? No. This isn't good. It is marvellous, amazing, awesome - you name it.
Wow. Deeply moving melodies, stunning vocals, beautiful arrangement and production.
Hit ready just like it is, playing up there with the big boys of the ballads like Elton John, Phil Collins etc.
Perfect. Bye Wolfi
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What they all said! Im arriving here very late in the game, but better late than never! A beautiful song, beautifully performed and beautifully crafted. Nice one!
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Hey Lostboy. By complete coincidence I also recently wrote a song called "Time Machine" and also included a reference to '85.
Aside from that, our songs have nothing in common! Ha. I'm pretty glad we didn't publish them at exactly the same time as yours is a far superior effort. A masterclass in songwriting and performance. Beautiful straightforward lyrics and faultless singing. Great song.
This forum is fantastic and it can be very humbling at times when you hear songs of this quality.
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Oh WOW, I am going to have to watch out for your posts - this is sensational! You seem to be able to pick out the right notes, spot on, as simple as plucking apples from a tree. High ones, low ones, consistent tone throughout the range. I am sure you know your voice and what sounds good on it - but I was thinking it would be even better with just a touch of flattering reverb.
The subject pulls at my heartstrings and draws me in - such a strong song, a real privilege to hear it.
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What superb singing! A beautifully written,played and performed song. Impossible to find anything to nit. Pure pleasure to listen to.
M
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@cmerk,Shadowfax,Yodasdad,Wolfini,Cazrolina,Mickyplankton,Billsaunders & Montydog...phew... ;D
A huge thanks to you for your amazing comments about this song. I appreciate your ears,time and thoughts a lot.
Also a big thanks to Darren1664 for putting me in the Oct song comp. Im up against some whoppers,but I’m just so chuffed with the response to this one so far... ;D ;D ;D