The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: 2tuoo on October 19, 2017, 09:55:11 AM
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I wrote this one yesterday because (drum roll) I was abnormally tired
Kida weird way to rest by writing songs but I wanted to dig into what I feel this time.
At the beginning, This was intended to be rant/outcry but somewhere at the end of writing, I thought about the value or meaning of tiredness caused by daily grind so the song ended on positive note.
Suprised myself to be honest.
If you want to audiate (not sure if this the right word for hearing music in your head) this while reading - imagine oriental battle drum setting the tone and female vocals do the singing on high notes.
Verse 1:
You drag your feet and push through force field
You struggle with your worst enemy
You grind your teeth but push anyway
You smell defeat all the way any day
Chorus 1:
You’re tired tired tired
You’re deeply uninspired
Verse 2:
You stand your ground and still can fight
You at your bound but recharge every night
You look around everybody tired too
You should be proud they look up to you
Chorus 2:
You’re tired tired tired
Your strength makes us inspired
Bridge between the song and the instrumental:
Inspired (raising energy) inspired, inspired
Inspired (raising energy) inspired, inspired
Chorus 2 repeated:
You’re tired tired tired
Your strength makes us inspired
Out:
inspired
*most of my songs include some () comments for me to remember the musical expression intended so I wouldn't forget, I left it there but it's not a part of the song itself
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Hello,
This is interesting, though some of the wording seems a little odd. How about something like this....
You drag your feet but push on through
Struggle with your enemy
You grind your teeth but still you say
I'll taste defeat but win the day
You're tired tired tired
You're deeply uninspired
You stand your ground you still can fight
Recharge that spirit every night
Everyone is tired too
Make them all look up to you
Don't know if that works, just making suggestions. Like your idea though. Different.
Vintage54
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Thanks Vintage54!
I'll try to implement some of the change.
The modifications on 2nd line of each verse change the rhythmic pattern I'll try to use your suggestions and add some words to keep the with going :)
About the change in the last line of the first verse :
You drag your feet but push on through
Struggle with your enemy
You grind your teeth but still you say
I'll taste defeat but win the day
I'm not comfortable with my own version of this line at all.
In your suggestion, it gives out the punchline of the song very early, do you think there is a way to show daily grind and desperation (with hopelessness) in some way?
thanks!
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When I first read your lyric, I didn't understand what it was trying to say. I read your explanation, and then I could kind of see what it meant, to some extent. Then what Vintage54 wrote helped me understand your lyric better.
You mentioned that changing it like he suggested wouldn't work because it changes the rhythm. Does that mean you already have a melody for this? If so, hearing it would help know what kinds of suggestions would be most useful, at least for me.
I think I like the way your song morphed into a different feel than you originally intended. I like the message of what you have at this point. I'm looking forward to hearing how it sounds.
Vicki
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Good stuff
Really stages though
I like what vintage suggested too.
I hope it gets music.
Very creative.
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thanks Rightly,
I hope to get to it soon.
I have an interesting audiation problem with this song, I hear it in my head in Female vocals.
Seems that this might become a collab proposition since the only singing woman I know sings Death metal by growling :(
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I love how this is originally quite a negative, dark song but subtly gets more positive, without losing it's eerie tone! I love it