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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: pompeyjazz on October 18, 2017, 05:38:19 PM
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Hi All,
Here's my competition collaboration entry submission. It's the story of a hold up in a shop with a twist ;D
This started life as one of Binladeda's backing tracks, we added another section, PaulyX came up with the lyrics with a fine twist and vocals, Skub created some of his wonderful multi layered backing vocals, some baritone and lead guitar and me, well I just had to whip all those reprobates into shape - Damn hard work I can tell you ;D
Now do as I say and just put the money in the bag.......
https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/put-the-money-in-the-bag-binladeda-paulyx-skub-pompeyjazz
PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG
She put her make up on, put her touche in the motor
Put the motor in its usual place
Put the strip lights on, put the cash in the till
Put her service smile right across her pretty face
So I put my shades on, put my plan into action
Put my smoke out after a drag
I put the gun in her chest and I put it simply
“Put the money in the bag”
She went as white as a sheet but then she pouted and said
"What you ask is certainly doable
But first I've got to say
While anger is an energy
Sugar, you should run on renewables.
I can see in your eyes
You're not a bad geezer
Ain't it time you gave a little bit back?"
Well I almost slipped... but then I stuck to the script
"Put the money in the bag.
I’m quite a reasonable gentleman, but I don’t take no blag
My advice to you honey, is put the money in the bag.”
Half an hour later, got the cash and hid the shooter
I'm walking to the lockup and its getting colder.
I got away unobserved but I can't escape the words
Of that bird hanging heavy like the bag on my shoulder.
Then I come across a bloke with bin liners for a coat
Sleeping by the side of the railway tracks
With a rucksack for a pillow
I sighed and knelt and swallowed
And put the money in his bag.
For what does it profit a gentleman of conscience
If he gains the world but feels his spirits sag
My advice to you my comrades is:
Put the money in the bag.
(c) Wild / Sands / Vance / Bradley - 2017
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thoroly enjoyed this chaps terrific collab
love the mood it creates
title grabs you first off
pressed play and away..
lovely groove and bassline
like the positive ending to the lyric not sure id have felt if he got in his beamer and drove off
great vocals and arrangmnt all round
felt just a little bass heavy but could well be my speakers
top marks
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Great stuff all!! Read the lyrics and they're great and I love the twist at the end and the sentiment behind them.
Music and vocals really strong with some great production. Excellent track and a really great groove to it. And there is so much going on! Well done
Thanks
Darren
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I think this is going to be a favorite. Of mine, at least. I like the story. And everything. No nits.
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Hey guys,
I'll be back later to say more, but for now... daaaaaaaaaayyyme ;D ;D.
--- and I'm back
You've all smashed it here in my opinion, this has came out really really nice. May be me being a little bias as you've pulled together somewhat of a dream team of personal faves here, and it's fantastic!
Well done to everyone, I have nothing to add apart from praise, and I hope y'all keep at it working together going forward.
Feels like it needs to be retrospectively added to the Reservoir Dogs soundtrack. :)
All the best,
Scott
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Man, I gotta say this lyric is awesome, dude that is the shizz.
So we got four guys working together in harmony, performing a heartwarming tale of a gentleman criminal giving to charity. Hey can it get any more uplifting and ultra feel good?
Next time I meet a robber I'm gonna shake his hand and say, you doing a great job man.
It all works guys, no egos on show, no grabbing the spotlight. Very much enjoyed.
But is it dark? It's for this Dark competition right? Didnt exactly feel the darkness, guys.
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Collabs are getting bigger and bigger...a cool tune well executed, not a crit in site from me.. :) :)
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Great song!
It has everything!
I think that the vocals need a little volume boost
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Well done guys,
Great collab, got a madness meets kray twins vibe for me.......loved it.
Only one thing from me, and its only IMHO, on my system the the vocals were quiet,
But the song was good so feel free to tell me to keep quiet and deal with it.... 8)
No But seriously, great work guys,
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Great job guys, enjoyed it a lot, I agree that the vocals could come up a bit, but loved the song.
Mikey
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A great song reminded me of Ian Dury and the Blockheads, a very good thing indeed.
Good luck in the competition,
Keith
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Lovely backing guys..got the lovely groove of those old Grace Jones numbers with Sly & Robbie supplying the riddim and the swampy atmosphere of stuff like...oh I don't know...that thing by Robbie Robertson. Some great sound there....not too keen on the main snare sound though...guitars lovely lovely lovely
Nice vocals all...Pauly you're a knockout son...very distinctive delivery...vocal parts are all great.
Great lyric. Great song concept.....made me think of Razzle In My Pocket... not the subject matter...the general storytelling bit.
Cool.
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Hey guys. Great collaboration. Reminds me of the Specials in one of their gentler moments. No nits on this one. It's got some great touches. The production seems spot on to my ears.
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All
This is a great track with some dark humour and a positive message at the end. Love the lyrics and the East End accented robber. A posh robber just wouldn't work in this song!
The quality of the overall track reflects the multiple great minds involved! The groove particularly stood out for me with the bass taking the lead at low volume on my monitors.
An enjoyable listen
James
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Haha! Well who doesn't love a fourway??! :P ;D
I love the whole thing! Especially the awesome change up before skubs "put the money in the bag!"
What a fantastic, engaging piece! Bravo gents!!! ;D
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fab collaboration
Intelligent and witty, with a great groove. Love all the little detailed arrangement strewn across the plinth.
Like a British Steely Dan
Nowt else to say.
:) :)
Neil
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Great story telling and some great individual gems of lines within the lyrics.
Pure British in style - put me in mind of an episode of The Sweeney. ;D
Definite echo's of late 70's New Wave.
Painted lots of pictures in the mind - a four minute film script ;D
I Could almost feel i was eating pie and mash in some dodgy London Cafe and then off for swift half in the Winchester Club with Dave.
Its Also instantly Catchy
Good Work Guys.
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Engaging from start to finish. Lyrically, there’s so much going on for the listener. The wordplay engages the us as a fine story unfolds. There’s a lovely contrast between melody and spoken word. Music is cool - especially as it doesn’t appear to be trying too hard. It is simply accomplished.
Great work all round!
Paul
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I liked very much the story. I was watching what was happening!!!
Very unusual, different.
Mora :)
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So entertaining to hear those familiar voices cropping up...
Backing is moody and jazzy - very cool and very "Bin" (probably on the milky bar side of "dark"... but that's a flexible concept).
The renewables line is genius, and there is some real creativity in some of the rhyming. And something really satisfying in the story...
The spoken bits really break it up well. Such a good colab.
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Nice! Great rhythm making me happily, uhm, sorry, darkly bounce along.
Sweet lyrics. But why is he framing that poor guy for a crime? ;)
absolutely marvelous how the net makes such collabs possible.
Well done, guys. Bye Wolfi
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Magical collaboration, gentlemen.
Loads of little elements, all with a contribution to make. I thought the story and the lyrics were really exceptional. It’s amazing to hear what’s possible nowadays. John must have had his hands full :)
Good luck in the competition...this is a great entry.
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What a great story!
I love the role play type vocals which have been carried through with aplomb.
The production is so engaging and has a professional polish, I especially like the full use of stereo field listening through headphones. Just brilliant I have to say, and I love the twist - very witty, very clever and a credit to you all.
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Well, I knew from the names on board that this was going to be quality, and I wasn't disappointed.
There's nothing I can really critique here, everything's very polished, again, as expected from you guys.
It all fits together nicely, without a hint of multiple writers, guys, I think you've formed a band...I name it Pompey and the forumites.
Icing on the cake was the lyrics.... man I wish I could come up with lines like that, nice Job Pauly.
Well done all.
Yodasdad
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Love it, love it LOVE IT. What a fantabulously brilliant collaboration. Class acts, the lot of ya. Cx
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Well, when you build a house on a solid foundation like bin's backing track, how can you go wrong?
This has a hypnotic effect that draws you in and holds you a willing prisoner until the end.
Vocals and bass are the stars for me but you can't ignore that stellar axe swinging ;D
Paul
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Bleedin' hell, that is waaaay crazy! The vocal reminded me of Ian Dury crossed with early Squeeze put to a Grace Jones backing track and that Robbie Robertson song that Viscount Cramer referred to. This is so dense with so many lovely arrangement ideas that i could listen 20 times and still hear more. Sounded great to me
M
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Hi Guys,
This is really well crafted. Lots going on but it just gels.
The vocal delivery is top notch.
Super groove. Smooth creep funk.
It just moves in the shadows.
The backing vocals are brill.
Digger