The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: pompeyjazz on October 09, 2017, 10:25:27 PM
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Hi All,
The “dark” song competition has been great inspiration to go off kilter and try something a little different.
This started with just a couple of dark synth chords and I had an idea of somebody being trapped in tomb. I have to credit Mrs Pompeyjazz for taking the idea forward from there with the “Tuthankhamun's Tomb” idea and the “cackle from the jackal” and scarab lines. So we have the story of tomb builder Nebamun who was left in the tomb when the other builders were finished and went off for a beer in The Pharo's Arms and was found 3200 years or so later.
This then led to some interesting experimentation with arabic sounds and I found a great arabic instruments VST. Finally, wanted a rhythm pattern that was slightly unconventional and some giant footstep sounds to conjure up the feel of a funeral march
Anyway, that's the background, here's the song...................
https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/tutankhamuns-tomb
Tuthankhamun's Tomb
No one cane hear your screams
When they left you there, Tuthankhamun's Tomb
Anubis on your shoulder
The cackle from the jackal fills the room
Thousands of scarabs cover your body
Ready to devour your mortal remains
Onset of crazy fever
Slowly driving you insane
Powerful Khepri
Can you save me ?
Alone with the Pharoh king
Waiting for the barge to the underworld
Gold and diamonds, all possesions
Fall to the floor as the shroud unfurls
Trapped in the tomb, you gasp for air
And pray to Ra for your release
Whole body slowly failing
As you sit and wait for the final feast
Only your soul
For eternity
(c) Bradley / Rattray 2017
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The start conjures cinematic images of James Bond/Raiders of the lost Ark,big sound,epic and sinister.
When the lyrics kick in we understand this is much darker and desolate,playing on than most primal of human terrors,the fear of being buried alive.
You have a gift for reinventing yourself John,a master of sonic disguise. 8)
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The next Bond theme has arrived!!! just thought the vox was bit too loud and the delay would sound better with some bottom end taken off it in my very humble opinion..
very well put together John :) :)
and scary lyrics :o
best, Kevin :) :)
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Reminded me of 1960s black and white horror programmes on the TV, definitely a huge plus. I really like the lyrics and a very good song.
Good luck in the competition.
Keith
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Nice! I liked the oud/ud/ood flute in the beginning. The lyrics had this early Metallica feeling to them. The scarab part was a bit over the top. 'Thousands' is a whole lot of bug totems.
Martin
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I agree that it sounds like James Bond. It's sexy/dangerous.
Lynn
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Hmm, interesting about how many scarabs might be eating a rotting body, Ten / One hundred / Five hundred and sixty three / 7 million. Who knows ???
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You nailed the deserty woodwindy intro (no idea what instrument) and the Bond-ish theme, epic strings. Really like the percussion and gongs and ghostly sounds going on - lots of detail.
The lyrics work well, with the various Gods being invoked. Not sure if you could add a little of the same delay as the vocal to some of the other tracks so they gel more into the same space? Perhaps not in this case.
All in all, definitely got the dark atmosphere going on!
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Hi PJ,
Dark and atmospheric.
It does lend itself to a bond theme as others have mentioned.
The outro trails off wonderfully.
I like the pace of it all - just flows nicely.
Cool change of direction.
Digger
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Brilliant Pompey,
Instrumentation ideal for the subject. Great atmosphere and sharp lyrics 'cackle for the hackle' - loved it. A dark song for sure. It would also make a great Bnd theme!
Best
Paul
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Yes, I was getting a 007 vibe too. We seem unanimous in that.
Tonnes of atmosphere in here, you've definitely captured an unusual theme and mood with this one PJ. I like the middle eastern sounding choices of instruments (they sound pretty realistic!).
It sounds like Mrs PJ deserves applause as the co-writer too. Nice one guys.
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Nice and different...dark, squeamy, with plenty of doom and gloom throughout. Did you do a lot of research or do you just know all those names and details? I have no nits or ideas for improvement.
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Man, I hear James Bond! So yeah I'm ready for babes and action scenes.
Seriously I really like the Bond touch, and your voice is like a skinny Barry White. That's Egyptian Soul, dude!
Neat interlude when the belly dancer comes in with the finger cymbals too.
It's all good man, you should be proud of it.
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Hi John...
Yeah...great song and very cinematic.
I read “fingerprints of the gods” a few years back and so I loved the lyrics...it’s a fascinating business.
The music and the sounds used fit the lyric perfectly.
Big shout out to the inspirational Mrs PJ who must get sick of seeing the light bulb go off in your head and watching you disappear into your recording ante-chamber.
One day, I reckon the technological mysteries of the Pyramids will need to be properly acknowledged and addressed, rather than trying to shoe-horn their inconvenient existence into a pre-determined and unconvincing historical perspective.
Sweet :)
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Hey PJ
Great song mate.......of course ;D ;D
Don't know about James Bond. I'm getting a big slice of
Ultravox ;D ;D
Love your arrangements mate. This is no exception, it's
really good. You seem to be on a perpetual roll ;D
Long may it last...
Good luck old chap ;D
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Hey Pompey. This is fabulously atmospheric and such a brilliant idea for a song. Stunningly original idea and imagination on display here. As a concept this has got to be one of the front runners in the competition so far. Love all the little touches. Especially the muffled shouts right at the end. That's pure genius at work there. I get the filmic references from the other comments. Its very theatrical.
There's possibly a couple of minor mixing tweaks you could do, but small beer compared to the big picture on display here.
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Yes, interesting. What is it about this song that makes it sound like J. BOND My co writer enquired ? I don't personally know but Mrs PJ wants to know NOW so friggin hurry up with your answers ;D
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From around 15 second in to 30 seconds tells ya all ya needz to know 007. The strings and the tremolo guitar do it.
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Fantastically epic and atmospheric indeed. Loved the change/interlude at the end - and being trapped in the menacing underground passageways of egyptian pyramids either side. Just an average Friday night in...
Excellent strings and brass with the drums, with guitar/strings combination giving it that spy movie edge. def got the heavy rock feel in places too. Wonderfully dark lyrics. Cool piece :) c x
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Nishhe spot Mister Skub. Moneypenny has been sent on a secret mission to investigate your source
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Nishhe spot Mister Skub. Moneypenny has been sent on a secret mission to investigate your source
:o
Oh,good. I have my source out and waiting. :)
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Loved the lyrics and Theme as I read them even before I heard song.
As mentioned by others very cinematic and atmospheric soundtrack.
This is brilliant stand alone instrumental even without the the clever lyrics.
Yes its is very James Bondish.
No Offense to PJ's Vocals but I would love to hear it sung by a towering female voice -
I think it could sound amazing.
Fits the dark competition theme really well.
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What a mix, I am truly awed! You pulled this off perfectly imo.
I think a huge part of the charme and why this works so well is that bouncing drum part, that keeps repeating through and through. That gives a real strong backbone for all those other melodic bits that keep floating in and out of the song.
Also very interesting how that strong delay on the vocals worked out so fine.
Great stuff, Bye Wolfi
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What a brilliantly composed track PJ :o This comp has brought out such different styles for a lot of people, and this is no exception. You've managed to create such a vivid cinematic soundscape, and yes I have to put a vote in for 007 8) I would imagine millions of scarabs :o Very dark, but hauntingly beautiful :) I have to agree...an epic piece 8) Good luck!
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Great big sound....love 'cackle from the jackal'.
You've certainly created an interesting atmosphere with this one John with a good dose of dark so should go down well with the dark judges I predict. I'm very impressed with the soundscape you've built ...very creative and different.
I didn't get Bond although definitely big, cinematic sound....having followed Skub's lead I did hear those underlying Bond sounds though.
I think we need a rundown of the sounds you've used here...need to know how to get some of these sounds!
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I think we need a rundown of the sounds you've used here...need to know how to get some of these sounds!
I'll do that for sure - There's a few things in there !
Added - If anybody seriously want's a breakdown of what I used, drop me a PM :)
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This has an incredible ambiance to it. The epic drums and the composition very much suit the structure, and I think that you would do well going into composition for film and TV. Your voice is awesome, and while the delay adds some atmosphere I think the rawness of such a cool and confident voice is at times enough to stand on its own.
Cool tune overall.
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Hi John
Well first digger's funeral tome and now your death march.
I'm going to find it hard to sleep tonight ;D ;D
This is gold standard song writing, performance and production.
One of your best IMHO. I can easily predict this will do well in the race.
Paul
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The tune would make it easily on a James Bond's Egypt soundtrack,
My fave part is from 3:36 to 4:00,
You did an incredible job with the percussion and the background voice.
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Love the epic widescreen intro - a bit like a James Bond theme.
Liked the the concept and lyrics. Good Oud solo too
Thoughts - I felt like it should have had a chorus over the 2 chord intro... Maybe as simple as the title...?
Epic and claustrophobic
:)
Neil
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Well, I see its already been said but as soon as the strings came in, this screamed bond theme!
Love the intro and the instrumental sections, really big, dramatic sound. If not bond, then film music definitely.
Some nice lyric choices and the story comes across clearly.
My advice though for what it's worth, go full instrumental on this and get it out there, it's made for the big screen.
Yodasdad
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Epic start! I love them drums, really powerful and moving.
This song is brilliantly produced. I thought it suited to theme brilliantly - really sets a dark scene. Great work from you as always Pompey, particularly like here how the brief has pushed you in a new direction from some of your other stuff.
Great track
Darren
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Hello John,
That is a wonderful, cinematic opening - wow. The arrangement is beautifully done - as good as anything I have heard on this forum. The vocal effect is very appropriate. I loved the instrumental section at 4.00 - very original and atmospheric. I think this would work as a purely instrumental piece - you could write a whole classical movement around this theme. Brilliantly done.
M
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Hey John!
So we have the story of tomb builder Nebamun who was left in the tomb when the other builders were finished and went off for a beer in The Pharo's Arms and was found 3200 years or so later.
You (and Mrs Pompey) and such wonderful imaginations I'm not sure if I'm more took back by the quality & quantity of your songs based on the production effort or the fact that you can keep thinking up these great ideas. Always one to look forward to at these competitions especially; last year's Second Century Superman (https://soundcloud.com/pompeyjazz/second-city) is still one of my fave all-time forum songs.
So no pressure this year... :P
And damn lyrically superb, great grim imagery in the first verse to set the scene and consistently powerful over the next. I like the use of 'you' and 'your' to really make us feel it, "you gasp for air" especially. Could've maybe played on this a little more; like the "onset of crazy fever" line could skip a few steps of imagination by giving the symptoms rather than diagnosis (like crazed delusions, cold sweat) - but that's just me being super picky.
Music is very daunting and you've nailed them Arabic sounds, really supports the lyrics and theme, that big drum bang is ace!
Musical outro very satisfying too.
All the best,
Scott.