The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: redrhodie on October 07, 2017, 12:06:22 AM
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Hi Everybody,
Something about the story of this one reminds me of Tom Petty, so it seemed like the time to post it. Anyway, sad to lose that heartbreaker. Here's Janee. Thanks for listening and any comments. I appreciate them.
Lynn
Listen to Janee RoughMix5 - Copy by faraway my lovely #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/user-468459034/janee-roughmix5-copy
Janee
Janee was a girl who wanted to see the world
She lived in this tiny town but she didn't want to settle down
But then she saw him there
Wearing black jeans with his messy hair
He took her to a play
She said, "you make me want to stay, you make me want to stay, but I won't stay."
She took off on a flight that left in the middle of the night
She got a job in a bar where she saw him playing guitar
Then he took her to his bus
He said, "you can hang with us." He took her by the hand and said, "but you can't come with my band. You can't come with my band 'cuz we got plans."
Janee was a girl who wanted to see the world
She quit that job in the bar
She got her own guitar
Then she looked him in the eye
She said, "you make me wanna cry." She whispered in his ear, "you almost made me want to care. You almost made me care. But I don't care!"
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Your link says "roughmix", which leads me to believe more development may be in store for the production? If so, I'd like to hear the guitar break get a little more "into it", if that makes sense. More carried away. A little wilder....
I like the story line. I think it could mean different things to different people, depending on what's going on in their lives. I see Janee as an angsty young thing who is looking for herself. Or maybe someone who has a certain romantic destiny but tries to run from it. Or possibly something else....
I enjoyed it very much and have no suggestions (other than the guitar thing above).
Vicki
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This is a good song, even with the untidy production it's got something..however..good production would propel this song to much greater heights....vocal sounds fab for sure and you've got a commercial sixties sound goin on!
main thing spoiling it IMHO is the timing, the drums seem to be behind the beat throughout the whole song,
this wouldn't be difficult to fix ( but that may depend on which DAW you use )
good that you stopped the main rhythm guitar 2/3rds through..the song needed that and the drums could be made a little bit more interesting..
very good work!! :) :) :)
if I can help you with anything do not hesitate to PM me... :) :)
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This is good but i think still a bit of work to be done, i think your vocals are great but at times they sound like they're laying back into the music to much, sometimes with vocals you need to let them take control with certain parts but not to much but just enough to let the listener flow, connect, if you know what i mean, but really cool song 8)
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Yeah, rebels and pop songs, they cohabit, it's symbiosis, lady.
You gotta love it when she sneers “But I don't care”, it's empowering to hear.
Damn, I'm gonna grow my hair, give my old man the finger and sneer all weekend!
Such a cool recreation of that 60's sound from the guitar tones to the cute vocal. I gotta love it all.
Like the lady above said the drums are a bit behind but hey it just makes it sound like a period piece, fully analog y'know.
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Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. Much appreciated.
This was one of the first songs I wrote, and I wanted to record it, but I didn't know what I was doing. So I called a friend who is a musician to ask if he knew of someone who would record us (just me and Dave, 2 guitars, and maybe some percussion was what I told him. Haha) and he offered to do it for us.
Long story short, we showed up at my friend's tiny apartment with a drummer and a full drum kit. Haha. Unfortunately, we couldn't all play at the same time due to the constraints of the space, so the drums, which are real live drums, were done after we recorded the guitars and vocals. So yeah, totally analog, and all backwards way of doing it. Haha. We drove my poor friend crazy, especially since my insane band mates wouldn't use a click track.
We work a little differently now. Glad you get the jist of it. It was pretty exciting for us the first time we heard it. Seems a world away.
Lynn
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Do you know I actually really like this.
but there is always a but... thought the drums were a bit too loud and seemed to be slightly off time also when the lead break came it needed to be finished off as it seemed to disappear
apart from that I thought it had a really nice groove
cheers
Lilly
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Hi Lynn,
its easy to comment on this as I had nothing to do with the song, including the production.
I think the drums and your vocal make the song. The interaction between the two create a feeling, as Jim Morrison would have said, of not really being at home. The drums are the man in his black jeans and the singer is Janee. Does she want him or what he represents? There is a tension there to be resolved.
The solo could be either of the two. The first steps of Janee playing the guitar, or the realisation that the man isn't Peter Green. Either way it works for me in telling the story.
The tension created by the music is finally resolved when she tells him she doesn't care.
If I'd have mixed it I'd have given the song a bit more bottom to increase the tension between the rhythm section and the singer and boosted the drums, of course.
Its a very good song, definitely a world away from your next song. Or maybe not :)
Keith
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Another lovely 60s influenced piece. I hear the DNA of the Byrds / Jefferson Airplane filtering down into this.
My favourite bit was the middle 8 when the guitars dropped away (which actually made me realise I didn't like the guitar sound massively! but hey, they did their job to carry the tune).
I also liked the way the vocals and percussion were high up in the mix, the other tracks felt more like background wallpaper and didn't stand out that much, but that felt right for this kind of narrative song where the words are the main attraction.
By the way, weirdly one of the first songs I ever wrote was also about an imaginary girl called Janee, who was also a wanderer. Maybe she inhabits all of our subconsciouses?
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Thanks Lilly. I'm glad you actually really liked it. Haha.
Keith, I have no doubt you could've made it better. You'll have to make it up to me somehow.
Pauly, really weird. Same spelling, too? Maybe she's trying to tell us something. Spooky. And thanks for saying that about Jefferson Airplane. Always loved Grace's voice.
Lynn
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"Almost" is one of my favourite words in songs - it's quite brutal really, more than "I don't care", it's "I considered caring but then decided not to".
It's an effectively written song with your trademark vocal sound which I like as you know. It was quite relentless all through so the drop out of the guitars worked well but perhaps a little more variation could be good and help emphasise the key lines. Anyhow, it's a cool song and the story comes over well.
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Hi Lynn. You've got a great sixties vibe going on here. Your vocals make it seem very intimate which I think is a real winner. Great melody an lyrics. Would have loved to have heard a few ooh's and ah's bv's here and there (only personal preference) but apart from that I think I think it's an excellent piece. Love the way you drop out to Bass and vocs in the last verse.
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Hi Lynn.
Your vocal has a very sexy and smooth tone, (I am not hitting here), very nice.
Has a real nice indie feel, would sit with a guitar track a bit more rocky too.
Let me know of you need a bit of help production wise.
Nice sound.
Andy
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Yo Red.
The song has a kind of 50s/60s early rock and roll charm. There are also hints of the Velvet Underground?Nico in the format of the song.
Lovely melody and your voice suits the song very well. :)
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Adam, Yes, I totally agree about the word "almost". Good observation. Thanks for the kind words. So cool, I have a "trademark vocal"!
Pompeyjazz, I'd definitely do some background vocals if I ever redo it. It's my biggest regret with this recording.
Thanks so much for the generous offers to help with production, Andy and Kevin. My friend Keith is now taking care of production, among other things, so I'm all set. But I really appreciate your willingness to help me. You're so nice.
Thanks Skub. I'm glad you liked it. I seem to naturally veer into that era. Not sure why. Glad you think it works.
Lynn
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Lovely little tune. Nice melodi and a pleasant voice/delivery.
Since I am such a lo-fi / DIY-pop lover I love this. Dunno what will happen if you polish it though? Maybe better, but better for me? :)
I love the off-beat drums, not really sure about the chorused guitar, maybe I would have wanted the vocals a little more in my face / breathy because they at times feels a bit distant.
But hey, it makes me happy and grows a smile on my face.
What more can you ask for in a song?
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Lovely little tune. Nice melodi and a pleasant voice/delivery.
Since I am such a lo-fi / DIY-pop lover I love this. Dunno what will happen if you polish it though? Maybe better, but better for me? :)
I love the off-beat drums, not really sure about the chorused guitar, maybe I would have wanted the vocals a little more in my face / breathy because they at times feels a bit distant.
But hey, it makes me happy and grows a smila on my face.
What more can you ask for in a song?
Thanks so much! Makes my day, putting a smile on your face.
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hi,
liked the storytelling which is where I get the TP reference.
and enjoying the guitar pop and your vocals, which are cool.
loved the stripped down bit towards age end when you double your vocals
:)
neil
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Hi
Nice song. I agree with others that the solo needs to 'let go' a bit more, but for me it's the rhythm guitar that to ponderous and heavy. I can see you wanted a 60s 'jingle-jangle sound' to it, but it might work better acoustic and a bit lighter. Also it could work well a few bpm faster??
Good luck
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Really lovely catchy song. Really enjoyed listening to this :) you have great ideas red and some great tracks. Looking forward to hearing more of yours.
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Thanks Neil!
Vanjayay, I'm not sure I agree, but I appreciate the listen and comment.
Darren, I'm so glad you like my songs.