The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: CaliaMoko on October 06, 2017, 08:42:29 PM
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Okay, I know the recording is rough but, you know me, that's the only kind of recording I do, right?? So, feedback on the production probably won't help me much, but you can always try....
Your opinion on how the lyric and the melody fit each other would be most helpful. Especially the ending with the repeated line--does that work as is, or should the melody lines be more alike? Or more different?
Thanks to anyone who listens!
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/love-is-bright
LOVE IS BRIGHT
Love is bright in the air
Inhale the perfume of its essence
And discover its great purpose
It can bind us together
And make us as one
Oh-oh, sisters and brothers,
We sing in harmony
Voices blended in unity.
Oh-oh-oh love.
We will never be lonely
We will be warmed by the heat of compassion
Our hearts enkindled with love.
Love is our guide through the darkness
Love is our guide through the darkness
Love is our guide through the darkness of the world.
Copyright 2017 Vicki Morrison
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Ya forgot the link Vicki. :D
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Oh...oops!
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/love-is-bright
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Seems to me that the Love is our guide to the darkness bit would make a good chorus and you should arrange the song into a verse chorus thingy...or is it specifically meant to be as is?
in which case the repetition at the end works fine.. :)
best, Kevin :)
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You have such a gift with melody Vicki that always makes me have a warm glow. This is lovely and I'm just going to listen again :)
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Hi Vicki thanks for giving us this song. In my opinion your most accessible to date. It's soulful and uplifting. Sometimes simple, unpretentious song writing really delivers and it certainly does here. A note on the production. To my ears (admittedly amateur) it's perfect. Did you record it live? If so, id love to know your recording set up. The balance is spot on. Cheers Micky
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This works really nice. I think you could maybe separate the lyrics into sections and vary the melody for each section. So for example one section it's high then the next low, just to make the melody a little more memorable. Also picking up the tempo a little wouldn't hurt either. Still a lovely song and well suited to your voice :)
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Really nice Vicki, just a suggestion on the last three lines.
Love is our guide through the darkness
Love is our guide through the sadness
Love is our guide through the madness of our world.
You need at lease another four lines and then back into the last part including those three lines, i think a organ and choir coming in on certain parts would be the icing on the cake as they say, but really nice as is.
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Lady, was you a flower child? This is a sorta flower power type anthem like All You Need Is Love but with better lyrics. I can hear the massed hippie voices as you march on the Pentagon.
The chord changes sounded a bit behind the melody at times, but it all works nice with a simple and folksy charm.
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I think the lyrics and melody are perfect together. No issues whatsoever to my ears. It feeld like it's from another time. It would make a beautiful lullaby. Very soothing.
Lynn
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Thanks for all the listens and remarks. I appreciate it a lot!
@Kevin: I am restricted to this melody for the moment; however, in the future I could develop the music with these lyrics and make it more of a verse/chorus thingy. :) I think I might like to do that eventually.
@John: You say such nice things! Thank you!
@mickeyplankton: What I said to John. :) I did not record a live performance. I recorded the guitar track using an acoustic guitar through my condenser mic. Then I listened with headphones and recorded the vocals through the same mic. I adjusted the volumes a bit so I could hear both well through the headphones when I played it back. I left both centered, since that's how it would be if I sang and played together.
@exfairy: I like your suggestions and will take a look at the melody line and the tempo. I know I'm not totally happy with the melody all the way through, and I'm still experimenting. Sometimes just having someone say things like "higher" and "lower" can be helpful.
@oldbutyet: After reading comments from you and the others, I'm pretty sure I'll be reworking this song, probably making it more conventional. I do like your ideas for the last three lines and I do think they would make a good chorus. If I end up with a full-size song, I may have it produced so things like organs and choirs can possibly be added.
@Silver Machine: I wanted to be a flower child. I was maybe just a tad too young at the time. Still in high school, though I could probably have gotten in on the tail-end of it when I was in college. Even though I was over 18 when Woodstock happened, I was still too much under my extremely conservative parents' thumbs even to imagine being able to go. Thank you for your very kind remarks!
@Lynn: Thank you for your very lovely and supportive comments!
To everyone: As I mentioned when I posted this on the Lyrics board, this melody was composed to suit the words of a prayer from my Bahá'í prayer book, so the length and stresses can't be changed. For the purposes of the prayer. However, since I've written new words (it didn't seem dignified to post the words of the prayer in a forum), I can go anywhere I want with this as a new song. So I'll be mulling over the various suggestions and comments and, ultimately, I will have two songs when I'm done. And they will be different from each other melodically, at least a little.
Thanks so much!
Vicki
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You have a lovely sweet old fashioned voice and you cannot help but be enthralled by the sweetness of the song delivery.
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Hi Vicki - I also heard "Love is our guide through the darkness" as a chorus, the melody is lovely and it flows so well. For the rest I think you did a great job given the constraints, and perhaps a freer version would be worth doing too.
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Cool making music with constraints. I should try that sometimes :)
That aside, I think this works well enough. If I had walked past you in Greenwich Village when it all happened I would have stopped and listened for a while :)
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Hey Vicki, lovely campfire vibe and extremely well sung. Personally I liked the lack of a verse/chorus structure here... it somehow made it seem almost like a religious chant or a prayer to me. A nice positive song to counterbalance all the 'dark song comp' entries.
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Hi Vicki
If only there was more of this in the world! I lovely folky song with a ending which as other have said, could well form a great chorus if you wanted it to.
James
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Beautifully done, yet again. Such sweet vocals. I totally picked up the prayer vibe as is, not a bad thing at all, yet I'm really interested to hear the lyric broken into the separate sections to frame your verses and make the melody stand out. The 3 line chorus with the slightly different ending suggestions would work a dream - and really send that message on home. Love is indeed our guide :)
cxx
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That's really lovely. I know that comment is kind of a platitude... But it really is - it stands out for its loveliness. I agree repeating the love is our guide phrase as a chorus another couple of times would work beautifully. And would make a lovely guide through the song as well :D
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Sorry I missed this one, Vicki :-[
Lyric contain a lovely sentiment...with sweet vocals and the acoustic guitar work is coming along really well too.
You continue to be an inspiration :-*
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Very nice Vicki.
I wonder if you went up to the A instead of the F#for the 'love is our guide' bit and follow it from there you'll have the right lift for the refrain/chorus ending bit.
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I know I'm slow with my thank you's...sorry.
You have a lovely sweet old fashioned voice and you cannot help but be enthralled by the sweetness of the song delivery.
Thank you! I like old fashioned. And sweet. I don't think of my voice as sweet but I suppose it sounds different from inside my head than it does outside it. ;D
Hi Vicki - I also heard "Love is our guide through the darkness" as a chorus, the melody is lovely and it flows so well. For the rest I think you did a great job given the constraints, and perhaps a freer version would be worth doing too.
Thanks, Adam! Yes, now that I have all this great feedback on the melody as is, I do want to use the words and make a separate song with verses and choruses and all that.
Cool making music with constraints. I should try that sometimes :)
That aside, I think this works well enough. If I had walked past you in Greenwich Village when it all happened I would have stopped and listened for a while :)
Thank you! I wish I could have gone to Greenwich Village in "the day". I would have loved busking around and meeting and working with other musicians back then. Although, knowing myself at that time, what I was like, it would probably have been a disaster. Not musically, but--how do I say it--I think I would have gone all wild and maybe wrecked my life.
Hey Vicki, lovely campfire vibe and extremely well sung. Personally I liked the lack of a verse/chorus structure here... it somehow made it seem almost like a religious chant or a prayer to me. A nice positive song to counterbalance all the 'dark song comp' entries.
Thanks, Pauly. That is pretty much exactly what I was going for. I do have a dark song, too, though, you know. I just need to get it into "Finished Songs".
If only there was more of this in the world! I lovely folky song with a ending which as other have said, could well form a great chorus if you wanted it to.
Thank you, James! I'm going to keep working on this and hope to make it a verse-chorus structure. If I kept these words to this tune, I would have two songs with the same melody, so I need to develop this a little differently, now that I have it, so I can actually count it as two songs.
Beautifully done, yet again. Such sweet vocals. I totally picked up the prayer vibe as is, not a bad thing at all, yet I'm really interested to hear the lyric broken into the separate sections to frame your verses and make the melody stand out. The 3 line chorus with the slightly different ending suggestions would work a dream - and really send that message on home. Love is indeed our guide :)
Thanks so much, Caz! The beauty of it being able to work as is OR as a song with verses and choruses is that I have two sets of words and it would be good to have the two songs be somewhat different. So working on developing the song form is next.
That's really lovely. I know that comment is kind of a platitude... But it really is - it stands out for its loveliness. I agree repeating the love is our guide phrase as a chorus another couple of times would work beautifully. And would make a lovely guide through the song as well :D
Thanks a bunch! I appreciate the positive feedback muchly!
Sorry I missed this one, Vicki :-[
Lyric contain a lovely sentiment...with sweet vocals and the acoustic guitar work is coming along really well too.
You continue to be an inspiration :-*
Thank you, Paul. Thanks especially for remarking on the guitar. My practice is so hit and miss with all my traveling these days that I wonder if I'm making any progress at all, so that's good to hear. I'm always with myself so I don't detect the improvement.
Very nice Vicki.
I wonder if you went up to the A instead of the F#for the 'love is our guide' bit and follow it from there you'll have the right lift for the refrain/chorus ending bit.
Thanks, Ian. I think that was one of the ways I tried it and not sure why I didn't stick with it. It does seem like it would give it more of a needed lift.
Whew! Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback. You people are all so NICE! I really am fine with ruthless feedback, so I hope you're not sugar-coating your remarks. I like to have problems to work on. ;D
Thank you all for listening!
Vicki
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Hi Vicki,
Yes, it isn't a traditional structure, but it doesn't need to be & is lovely as it is. I enjoy the melody very much & u sing it wonderfully. The repetition at the end works very well to me.
Well done mate! :D
Leo :)
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Ooof! Great song!
I can't place who the voice reminds me of.... it's on the tip of my tongue!
I'm living in Ireland myself, and this is very similar to the sort of voices you frequently hear in bars and pubs around here. I think maybe thats why I took a shine to this. It's very warming and familiar to me.
Warm.... I think thats my one word summary of this sweet little number.
Great work :D
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Lovely song Vicki. I am always struck by your vocal and melodies. You have a beautiful voice that match this style so well. And always strong lyrically. Thanks for sharing this one :)
Darren