The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Paulski on October 06, 2017, 07:35:10 PM
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This is a bit like my (2014 !) previous post "First World Problems (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=8120.0)".
I hope it works..
Boo Hoo You
Split a nail
Lost a contact
Got mascara in your eye
Can't believe the
Stupid traffic
Didn't make it home 'til five
House is chilly
Need a sweater
Never liked the colour red
How frustrating!
Stupid smart phone
Didn't tell you it was dead
Well..
Boo Hoo You
Boo Hoo You
You got trouble in your bubble?
Come and live in mine
Grab the thingy
Spark the TV
Why's it take so long to boot?
Such a bother
Flipping channels
Far too many are just news
Boo Hoo You
Boo Hoo You
You got trouble in your bubble?
Come and live in mine
{br}
You didn't land on 34
Still don't know about the war
Didn't see our bodies splayed to..
Delegitimize your claims
Boo Hoo You
Boo Hoo You
You got trouble in your bubble?
Come, and die, in mine
You got trouble in your bubble?
Come, and die, in mine
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I like it! I do have a couple possible suggestions.
1. In the second verse, the line "How frustrating" doesn't flow for me. The stress comes out...umm...not right? What do you think about trying something like "How annoying" ?? I know. Doesn't have the same strength. Frustrating doesn't have any good synonyms. How frustrating!
2. Same type of thing a bit further on: Grab the thingy / Spark the TV. I usually say tV, but this comes out Tv. Don't know how to fix it, though, unless you want to get all British and say "telly".
I'd like to hear this set to a great, frustrated, clangy, noisy accompaniment, with dissonance and crashy sounds going on. Maybe some whiny stuff, too. And maybe even screamy.
You make good lyrics, dude! ;D
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I'd like to hear this set to a great, frustrated, clangy, noisy accompaniment, with dissonance and crashy sounds going on. Maybe some whiny stuff, too. And maybe even screamy.
I thought that too as I was reading it.
"Didn't get home till five" ??? When most people get home for five that's a really good day, bunking off for most in fact. How about "Didn't get home till nine"? Rymes with 'eye' as well as five does and sounds more of a complaint.
Andrew
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I'd like to hear this set to a great, frustrated, clangy, noisy accompaniment, with dissonance and crashy sounds going on. Maybe some whiny stuff, too. And maybe even screamy.
I thought that too as I was reading it.
"Didn't get home till five" ??? When most people get home for five that's a really good day, bunking off for most in fact. How about "Didn't get home till nine"? Rymes with 'eye' as well as five does and sounds more of a complaint.
Andrew
I think the point is all the complaints are trivial, so they're complaining about getting home at a reasonable hour, so 5 is perfect.
I really like this a lot. I think the war veteran reference is not too in your face. I think the sentiment rings true. I look forward to hearing it. I'd be tempted to add a snare drum military beat someplace, but maybe that would be overkill.
Lynn
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Great stuff Paulski. Love the way that you swap attention from x to y to zee . Excellent
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Hi Paulski,
Works for me, just like the other one, which i commented on at the time. Have to say though, i'm not totally in love with "Boo Hoo Yoo" Though i can see why you chose it.
Vintage54
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Made me think of this song by some other Canadian fellows.
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Hey guys - sorry for the late response ???
@CaliaMoko - thanks Vicki - helpful as ever. I like the "annoying" suggestion - and I don't like all the hard "t"s in "frustrating" - think I'll change that. The TV prosody works with my melody line so we must be hearing it differently. Clangy and noisy eh? ;D ;D
@Vandayay Thanks Andrew -I think redrhodie nailed it - she's complaining about 5 PM like she's got troubles but she don't know troubles man ;D ;D
@redrhodie cheers Lynn - yes maybe a military snare towards the end would work. Will think on it.
@pompeyjazz - thanks John!
@Vintage54 - cheers my good man - glad you saw some value here. Not fond of my hook eh? Well - Boo Hoo You! ;D ;D
@hardtwistmusic - cheers Verlon - still haven't got around to check that video. Can't do it when I'm at work :(
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Excellent writing
And relevant comment
Folks have indeed gone soft
And complacent.
I wonder if this has already got a recorded performance?
It'll be another fine song
from you.
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Excellent writing
And relevant comment
Folks have indeed gone soft
And complacent.
I wonder if this has already got a recorded performance?
It'll be another fine song
from you.
Thanks Rightly - glad it worked for you. ;D ;D
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Alternative title, "Snowflakes"