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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: refusedrevival on September 10, 2017, 05:28:53 PM
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Hi,
English is not my mother language, so I appreciate all feedback and help what I can get.
Is there something that a native English speaker says in another way?
refusedrevival
Verse 1:
I'm driving down the highway
a thousand miles to go
My wedding bells gonna ring
in fifteen hours or so
Got my foot on the gas
I'm speeding like a maniac
I feel the engine roaring
as dusk fades to black
Chorus:
Gotta get back to my baby
find my way in time
Verse 2:
I've been on the road
seven days and seven nights
The trip turned upside down
when they cancelled flights
Don't know who's winning
in the race against time
Still some hours before
the bells are gonna chime
Chorus:
Gotta get back to my baby
find my way in time
Verse 3:
I'm driving down the highway
a hundred miles to go
My wedding bells gonna ring
in two hours or so
Got my foot on the gas
I'm speeding like a maniac
I feel the engine roaring
and the sky is turning black
Chorus:
Gotta get back to my baby
find my way in time
Outro:
I gotta make my way
back home in time
Still some hours before
the bells are gonna chime
Gotta get back to my baby
I gotta make it
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It looks to me like your usage of English is okay all the way through. I do have a couple of suggestions. One is in verse 2 where it says when they canceled flights. Since your flight is the only one that really matters I would say when they cancelled my flight. The other suggestion has to do with the chorus where it says got to get back to my baby. That's a really common line heard in many songs, so I would consider changing that to something else. Something more original.
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no matter how long it takes
stay away from "gonna" and "wanna"
if she's worth it, she'll wait
I hate flying and dislike speeding. next time, consider marrying a local girl.
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I like the idea, and the lyrics are pretty good. I would be happy to work through them for you. I could do some slight tweaking, but you also need to consider syllable consistency, as that can impact on the flow. Do you have a melody in mind?
Mike
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Hi,
Calia, Rightly and Mike: Thank you for the feedback!
Mike:
I have melody in my mind and I have already done a short demo.
So I'm not worried about syllable consistency. If you have any tweaking ideas, please let me know.
refusedrevival
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Hi,
Calia, Rightly and Mike: Thank you for the feedback!
Mike:
I have melody in my mind and I have already done a short demo.
So I'm not worried about syllable consistency. If you have any tweaking ideas, please let me know.
refusedrevival
Actually, they're OK and fit with the nature of the song. I dislike wanna etc, too, although sometimes it canna work!
So, main suggestion would be a bridge that develops the story; either concludes it or takes it in a different direction, e.g. is the road-trip a metaphor? Up to you of course.
Mike
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I like the idea of taking Noocube for better focus (https://www.sfgate.com/market/article/noocube-review-16462258.php) and the lyrics are pretty good. I would be to work through them for you. I could do some slight tweaking, but you also need to consider syllable consistency, as that can impact on the flow. Do you have a melody in mind?
Mike
It's a good start imo.